How do you reset when you feel like the weight of *everything* is on your shoulders? Between work and home, I feel like I am doing it all (making the money, managing the money, keeping the kids on track, keeping the marriage alive, etc). I’m exhausted and tempted to quit it all and move to a deserted island.

I had a matter-of-fact discussion with my husband, that in order to continue meeting the financial and emotional needs of our family that I needed the following to maintain my health and bring happiness to our family time:

1. Remove myself from the task of grocery shopping
2. No dinner prep from me, but help with clean up.
3. Two hours of down time on week nights from 9pm-11pm to relax, watch TV, read, whatever.

He gladly rose to the occasion to help me gain back some of my sanity. There was no argument…I approached it by stating my needs, not his shortcomings. I didn’t ask him to solve for the gaps that would be present. I simply stated what I needed to let go of.

It took time, but he learned to grocery shop and eventually cook. He’s actually pretty good at it now and we even have a few dishes that we enjoy cooking together as a way to spend time together.

House cleaning is outsourced. I still do the bills, but that’s more about me not wanting to let it go. As for keeping the family on schedule with events, I just stopped doing it and lo and behold, the kids and hubby figured it out.

Best part, I’m less of a bitch since I really don’t have any expectations. I just don’t do something if I’m exhausted. It’s amazing how capable others can be when the need arises. We’re all much happier and easy going.

You don't even know how much I relate to all of this. It's completely exhausting and I feel very alone a lot of the time. It's like I don't have the option to be strong, if I'm not strong than everything falls apart and I just can't have that. Too many people rely on me. I've been thinking about getting into therapy to handle constant pressure of being the strong one in every situation.

I feel the same, adding to the mix the fact that we are expatriates and my partner didn’t even bother to learn the local language (it’s been 5 years), so I have to run all bureaucratic errands, parent teachers meeting, doctor appointments, vet appointments, dealing with the landlord etc. I’m the solo income earner, and he does take care of the house and meals (kind of, the house is always messy and the food is most often than not improvised: like burgers, pizza etc). He’s a great parent emotionally for the kids, but practically I’m lifting a the weight and I feel I can’t stop. I worry what will happen if I ever collapse/die one day.

I don't know either. Drinking isn't a healthy option, I can't quit, I can't just ball up and cry, but I have to keep going. I know how you feel. When I get off work, I still have to "work" on the house until I finally just crash from exhaustion. We can't keep on like this, but I don't know what other options there are.

I've started outsourcing (because SOMETHING has to give). I hired a part time house cleaner, utilize dog daycare, using more paper plates (sorry environment but mental health), and *trying* to stress less about work outcomes. It's a work in progress.

Oh I needed this right now. Thank you ladies.

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My long term occasional SO decided recently that he is finally ready to settle down with me.

So rewind 10 years, I had a real thing for him but he was still working his way out of his prior relationship and had kids at home. So I waited patiently, I traveled, worked a lot, lived alone, was always emotionally supportive and helped him with work, I helped him clean and organize his house when he’d get down, I’d cook for him and send him things he could use. About the time I got totally good with being happily single (and post menopausal and slightly revolted by men) , he realized that he needs me full time.

Really? Why TF didn’t he decide a decade ago when I was really into him?

You’re all reminding me that I don’t need to get into this situation. Getting with him would mean I’d take care of him, his house, cook for him, pay half the bills etc etc. I’d be there to review his reports and lend an ear about his company’s dramas, and spend time with him instead of travel abroad for the summer because now all of a sudden he wants me around.

I mean I love the guy. He’s smart and generous. But is that enough?
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Agree with everything here, but to specifically answer how to reset: I just came out of a particularly hard 3 months, and once I felt things stabilize, started counting the wins. What got better? What did I learn? What did I change/have impact on? Made me “reset” out of crisis mode faster, as well as helped me communicate appreciation and achievements to my team. On the home front, it’s trying to apply what I learned in a work setting to home: delegate, ask for help, don’t get frustrated, pitch in when the team is lean, etc. which is harder b/c it’s home, marriage, love, not work, but sometimes we treat our colleagues more gently than our family, and I’m trying to be better about that

I’m through these days and don’t miss them - 4 kids - and a husband who has always had a big job and never cooked. I made two rules: 1) when I felt myself losing it - I would give him the time to help me rebalance and 2) if I could buy time I did … someone cleaning my house was me buying time.

I used to spend 5 min every morning wrapped in a towel after my shower psyching myself to survive the day. I learned to embrace mediocrity - give myself the grace of whatever my guilty pleasure that turned my brain off and letting go of my pre conceptions of what perfect looked like … who was judging me anyway except me?

My kids are grown and happy - we had hiccups along the way - one liked marijuana too much - another is taking a longer route through college - but they are good and kind and responsible.

My husband and I learned to meet in the middle - he still doesn’t cook and he also doesn’t expect me to clean …

Remember date night matters - one night a week to remind each other that you got married for a reason. Remember to laugh - remember to hold hands and try to talk - the last is the most difficult and one I’m still working on - I’m married to a sphinx - I talk a lot, he listens. He’s a work in progress :-).

Live by the mantra - this to shall pass.

I can totally relate!

Wow! I came here to post nearly the same question as I hit a breaking point tonight. Reading these posts though maybe I should give my husband a little more credit. He’s a stay at home parent, does great with the kids, grocery shops and cooks meals. That being said, he lacks motivation and the house is always a disaster. After working 6-5 today, I took the kids to the park so he could have some “downtime” - he reminded me that he had plans to see a movie (by himself - he has no friends) at 7 and was going to leave for dinner at 6. My one ask was for him to clean the house. He didnt - toys and dishes everywhere. Im SO sick of it! One child is in daycare and the other is 15 months, it’s not that hard to at least pick stuff up from the floor. Im so angry and feel like its just been building. I went to psychologytoday to find a therapist but as a female exec and breadwinner, its hard to find someone that understands our situation. Any advice welcome! Im exhausted.