I’m feeling frustrated in my marriage lately. My husband is wonderful but he doesn’t contribute to our home (cooking, cleaning, apts, etc) unless I nag him to do so. I HATE NAGGING and it feels like I have a child not a husband. Ex: I asked him to bring the groceries in so I could run other errands and he left them on the counter for hours.. his response - I didn’t tell him to put them away. Is there any world where this gets better?

That's absolutely ridiculous. And you know he wouldn't pull that at work if someone asked him to do something! This insta account does a good job of talking about the mental load that women carry in their relationships. I think it's centered on parenting but it's the same thing. She talks about how the Fair Play cards helped. It may be a good resource. https://www.instagram.com/sheisapaigeturner?igsh=ZXZsODA1ZXhqcnRn

In what ways is he wonderful?

I’m here to say that it will not get better just by asking him to be better. Couples counseling, work at it (him — not just you), and if it doesn’t improve, leave. You deserve better.

You may want to read Rose Hackman’s excellent book, Emotional Labor.

Congrats to the soon-to-be-ex-husband on his impending upgrade.

Men are very literal and direct and not good at intuiting things. What you see as incompetence is him seeing you be vague and not directly asking for what you want—he can’t know what you’re thinking or what you mean unless you say it. I’ve been married for almost 20 years and this is what I’ve learned. It’s annoying, but I’m sure you do things that annoy him too. And think for a moment—he probably takes care of some things that you don’t care to do.

Oof. Is this something new that has started happening, or has gotten worse over time, or has he always been like this? I ask because my husband seemed to be engaged in weaponized incompetence at this level with putting away the dishes, but it turned out to be a blind spot and a bit of compliance avoidance as a result of his autism. We’ve approached it differently and now he’s able to take responsibility for a fair share of the housework. Definitely agree that if this isn’t the case then the next steps are couples therapy or divorce if he isn’t putting in the effort.

Go stay somewhere else for a couple weeks so he can see how much you’re doing, then condition coming back on him developing a list of chores and telling you which ones he will be taking responsibility for moving forward.

What the best option in a situation like this? Confront him about it directly?

This is so typical and no in my experience it doesn’t. I just rely on outside help or be more detailed and make sure I’m giving direction to a super junior person on what to do. I’ve also gotten used to nagging - whatever, better than drowning.

Hire help. Housework is work and kids add to the list of chores and overall chaos. Talk to your husband and tell him to split the cost. Whenever he doesn’t want to spend the money he has to do the things. Same goes for you.
You will 100% find the money if you budget it right. Even as an undergrad single woman I had hired help which allowed me to focus on my studies and work as opposed to housework.

It doesn’t get better, until they’re “trained” with consistency. Unfortunately, yes, it feels like you are training a child , but just like with a child, this requires patience. Men are literal and you have to ask them every little step you want them to take regarding chores, unless you have a set plan where their chores are very delineated and clear. For example, if you wanted him to put away the groceries also, you would have needed to ask him to do that in addition to bringing them inside. I’ve seen some long-term husbands who have had patient and consistency who are in their fifties or retirement age who do help with chores without being asked or guided and have grown to genuinely want to contribute to helping the household run properly, but it took decades of consistency and patience from the wife. Sorry, I’m middle-aged now and that has been my experience and observations about men in relationships with women.

Other examples?

Just out of curiosity, did you all live together before? Because I don’t understand how this can happen when you first live together before getting married.