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For what reasons are you doing IVF?
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What you're feeling right now is incredibly raw, real, and completely understandable. When you're pouring your hope, your body, and your finances into treatment with no tangible improvements, it's absolutely devastating. Please know, this struggle doesn't mean you're not "blessed" or that you don't deserve to be a mother. Infertility is a medical condition, not a reflection of your worth or destiny. It's a thief of joy, energy, and resources, and it's absolutely unfair. It's okay to feel that unfairness deeply. And as for your husband, while it's natural to feel concerned for his dreams, remember that you are a team. He surely sees your pain and the immense effort you're putting in. His desire for fatherhood likely includes wanting you to be well and whole, not just to achieve a pregnancy at any cost to your well-being. Lean on him, share your despair, and let him remind you that his love for you is paramount.
Excellently put
Obviously defer to your doctors here, but curious what “treatments” you are doing? I had several friends burn through a lot of money trying everything other than IVF only to end up at IVF anyway (no guarantees there either but higher success rates than some of the less invasive treatments). Because of age and my friends’ experience, I went straight to IVF and felt like I had a aomewhat less traumatic experience than they did. Hugs and best wishes either way and even on the straight to IVF route I certainly had days where I felt exactly as you describe.
Pro
Same! We went straight to ivf. No guarantees but it is seems to be working out
I was right where you were a year ago. IVF wasn’t working and nobody could give me a reason for it and kept reassuring me that eventually, it would work. Therapy was enormously helpful in confronting these feelings, as was an open line of communication with my partner, letting him know that as much as I needed to lean on him I wanted him to be able to lean on me for support too. One thing my therapist and I discussed is that mental pressure is one of the primary reasons people drop out of treatment. So it’s ok to take a pause, re-set, do what you need to do to clear your head from time to time and not let it be the center of your life until you feel energized to dive back in, rather than waiting until you’re burned out and walking away completely.
For what it’s worth, we agreed to take a break if our transfer of our last embryo didn’t work, but for inexplicable reasons, it was successful and we will (fingers crossed) be welcoming a baby next month. I sometimes wonder if cutting myself some slack and telling myself it was ok to fail and I would be fine if I took a break was what it “took” for me to be successful. But it’s impossible to know.
Hugs and best wishes to you ❤️
Agree with the therapy recommendation, but would highly recommend trying to find someone experienced with fertility issues and IVF. Your clinic may be able to refer you to someone.
You asked for ladies, so forgive me for adding a male perspective unsolicited.
Your husband is likely more concerned for what this is doing to you than to him. It’s a battle and sometimes it takes forever, sometimes it’s quick, sometimes it doesn’t happen. Be open with your feelings, talk honestly about what happens in each of the above scenarios, and don’t forget why you married.
Sending lots of hug, dear. Not sure where you are in treatment but if they haven’t looked for endo/silent endo, I’d add that to your list. Also DNA frag for your husband (assuming he has had a regular SA). The r/IVF sub can be a good resource for infertility long haulers. I had unexplained infertility with my first and IUI #2 ended up being successful but I think it was really because we attacked my thin lining (Brazil nuts, acupuncture, cut out caffeine). Which is to say, if you have UI, honing in on certain variables could help. I hope you’re able to take a reset and get your take home baby.
Have you read It Starts With the Egg? I found it very helpful and gives evidence based advice that you won’t always/ever get from your doctor
Sending a big hug and hoping you both find comfort and peace ❤️
Just throwing it out there- I read it’s starts with the egg and made a bunch of lifestyle changes, I used inito, then I tried IUI, did all the things like mucinex and acupuncture along the way and now I’m shelling out for IVF. I found out I have a work benefit that no one had told me about- so I’d start there- dig into your benefits and your husband’s and see if anything is there. My work benefit is winfertilty and helps pay for treatments or adoption. I do still have a lot of out of pocket expenses but this helps. If I didn’t use this benefit, I would be eligible for a shared risk program at Shady Grove, which is something like $30k, but refunded if you do not have a baby. I haven’t read too much into this one since I’m not eligible if I use my work benefit, but they have brochures in office.
I’m currently doing the shared risk- it’s closer to 40k if you’re older than 38 😅, but I liked the guarantee that if it doesn’t work, I can use my money for other options. It’s also “unlimited” in a way where you can do 6 retrievals and unlimited transfers. A huge cost but then each round you’re not thinking about how much money it is to do each time. If you do more than 2 rounds it pays for itself. I have 4 embryos frozen and transferring in fall. (Took a mental break this summer from fertility for all the reasons folks listed above) but starting back up soon.
You could adopt a child, there are many many kids who need a home. And if you don't have the desire to have a child anymore then that's okay and don't let your husband make you feel guilty for that maybe you two are not compatible anymore. What are your actual dreams? What really resonates with your soul? May I ask what makes you feel such a high pressure to have a child?
Pro
Would you share what treatments have you been going through?