Looking for advice - I pay for my mom to visit me in the US from Korea every summer for 2 months. I’m the one constantly putting in the effort to plan & ask for things in our relationship. I think my grace for others has dwindled as I have gotten older. While minor, I cut her off last week. I’d asked her to make my favorite dish almost daily for 6 weeks & she kept saying next day. I worked the weekend to get a day off during mid-week to spend the day with her. She changed plans last minute cont.

Moms are so triggering. Your feelings are totally valid, but cutting her off isn’t the solution. It will hurt you more in the long run. I think at some point in our adulthood we just have to accept our moms for who they are, forgive them for our own sake and try and see the good things they do and not focus on the bad bc they are human too.
My mom does things like these too. She promised all through my pregnancy she’d make me bone broth and help me take care of my baby postpartum. My baby is almost a year old now but I’m yet to see the broth and she just started coming around to help watch the baby and it’s because I bribed her. I realized those months I was resentful towards her I was miserable. But once I decided to just accept her for who she is, and see the good, eg she’s at least trying to build a relationship with her grandchild. I became happier.
So all this to say that your feelings are valid but in the grand scheme of things your mental health will suffer holding onto resentment

because she wanted to go to her friends house to make the said dish. It was the last straw of all the little things like this that cause me to explode mentally. While I don’t explode at people outwardly, I tend to stop communicating with them if it’s a one sided relationship. If it was a regular friendship, it would have ended long ago. What would you suggest I do?

2 months is at least one month too long for BOTH of you. Next time plan a shorter visit, and/or don't spend all your time with her, and keep some of your own life even when she visits.

I haven't talked to my mom is over 10 years and it's been the calmest, least mentally abusive, time in my life. Just because you have half of her genes doesn't mean you're the only one who has to put effort into the relationship. Mine doesn't have my cell number or address anymore. I don't put anything out on social media that would give her, or anyone that would rat me out to her, clues on where I am. She's a narcissist (not the fake Hollywood version you see on TV) and overall horrible human. I'm not going to be taken advantage of by anyone, let alone my own mother, good riddance.

I hear you and I know that you love your mom. I agree that reducing her stay with you maybe for 2 weeks is a good idea. You can’t force her to love you. Not all parents are TV / movies parents. If they are still struggling with their own issues. I bet she is otherwise she would be able to see you. So I would say don’t just cut her off but don’t sacrifice your life for her. She will ask for your time if she needs help. You should enjoy your life. That’s your duty to yourself.

Forgive and move on, someday you won’t have her around.

I think EY2 said it best. I’m in the same season as you both. Resentment took roots many years ago. It’s hard work to uproot that resentment. I chip at it daily.

I have been missing my mom for years after she became ill. Now she is gone, the pain is worse than anything else.

I can understand the struggle but living with a relative for 2 months is pretty long to me, though I have never been in the same position as yours. If I were you, I'd continue to offer my mom 2 months of stay if she chooses so but I won't plan much activities with her, that way, both are happier, I enjoy my life my way and she enjoys her life with her friends.

Long post/sorry! Im still realizing that I’m stuck with the Korean parents I’ve got, and expecting equal and particularly emotional reciprocity from anyone other than you, to yourself, will only make you resentful. Your mom is not able to understand all the visible or invisible work you’ve put into the relationship and will not understand why or how you feel hurt from a place seemingly out of nowhere, or will ultimately say something like “I understand but (inserts her own pov and expects you to accept it)”. I recommend reading Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents to help you think about your relationship with her generally. Maybe I’m projecting but I personally didn’t quite value words like “mental health” or “emotional trauma” before this book lol
As far as your your actual Q: I’d start with, does your mom even want to come to the US every summer, or are you just doing it because that’s what should be done? Why does it have to be you paying for it? Why must it be 2 months and does she really have to stay with you for that entire time? From one Korean daughter to another, “it’s the most practical/economical option” is not a good enough answer anymore because you are also an adult now with your own practical and economic concerns to think about. Hotels are also practical options so that you preserve some of your mental economy too 😁 Objectively, 2 months is a really long time. You would hate being in Korea during the worst 2 months of monsoon season for example. even if she stays with you for some of that time, you don’t need to host her every day. Mom may even want to spend a few weeks staying with her friends.
Lastly, as a Korean daughter, I honestly get really irritated when the kdramas preach “but they’re your parents and you might regret it”. If they weren’t so preachy, I’d probably agree tbh - I cut off my dad for many years and recently reconciled somewhat. I’m glad I did, but the estrangement period was also important to make a new relationship as an adult. You now have the potential to forge a different relationship with your mom as an adult - you don’t necessarily have to cut her completely to do this (a therapist would probably say) BUT distance is really important. Take a step back and think about what doing the bare minimum for your mom might be & also how you might still get some connection without actually being near her. For example, make her give you the recipe for your favorite dish (or y’know, have her show you because nobody measures anything). Get her to record a kt video or something

I am in the similar situation that my parents came here to visit me and my sister for 3 months last spring. I did offer to take them to visit other cities and they kept denying it because they didn’t want to go. So they just stayed at home the whole time. They had a couple friends here so I dropped them at their house and came back to pick them up whenever they wanted to leave.