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Chief
Don’t try to be a duckling when you’re a swan.
Pick out fabulous women’s suiting/elegant dresses. Get your hair blown out. Whatever makes you look and feel fantastic.
Then, just be your confident self. Women often have better social skills than men. Just smile and be chatty and act interested in whatever they’re saying. There are lots of topics of conversation that aren’t gendered at all—travel, wine. Women can and have played well in these settings. You can do it.
Very much this. It’s can feel hard to get into the conversation when everyone is talking about things you don’t have in common. Ask questions and for advice- what’s good to eat/drink here, how long have they been coming to this place, who first invited them. From there you can often find an avenue into a more neutral topic, or at least one you want to actually talk about. Worst case, you’re flattering them by letting them talk about themselves, which everyone likes to do.
You are invited to these and women are welcome, right? Embrace them. Trust me, as one of the guys in sport coats (which I don’t really enjoy, either, nor the feeling of those “rules” you allude to), you are more than welcome at these in appropriate attire. Your presence likely is particularly appreciated, in fact. As far as I have been able to discern, there are no particular rules other than it being preferable to act like you belong. That gets easier each time you do it. You can do it.
My reaction to this would be to doll up so that I’m coming off extra feminine and classy. If the men are still acting like boys club around me, I think it’s because they haven’t noticed me and changed their behavior.
I also would spend time at the actual place at another time without anyone from work to get more reps with the staff. That would help me feel like I actually belong there when I do attend a client dinner.
I tend to agree with attorney 2. You’re an attorney I assume you’re a smart woman, you should have the ability to read people and rooms. If you need to hang back for a few minutes to acclimate yourself, fine. When you’re ready, you just step out like you own the place.
P1, I understand where you’re coming from. The problem is that though there are others at these functions that are like me, sometimes, their attitude, demeanor, and/or response to me talking with them is off-putting to me. It’s as if they would rather not engage in light chatter.
I cannot speak for the OP, but I’m the type of person that can generally detect when others don’t want to chat. I will not force anyone to talk to me. And I don’t mind walking away from them. When you’re in an environment full of different people who behave that way, there’s a point where you decide that these type of events are just not your scene. I can play the actress but so long.
Rising Star
It makes me feel special and powerful to have a seat at these tables. I can be charming and interesting in ways the men cannot, so I seize on that opportunity.
I’m following, but I’ll take it a step further beyond client dinners. What about bar association networking events? Some law school alumni gatherings? I’ve felt this way during some of these dinner gatherings. What made the difference for me was talking with one of the event planners at the dinner, which led into a small group discussion and further mingling.
You’re not wrong. Just find the other folks that are like you. We’re there too.
F
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Just do it