I’m struggling with the disparity in my work and home life - specifically how I feel listened to and respected by my work colleagues and then come home where I frequently feel ignored and treated as subordinate. It’s really dragging on me. I expect I’m not alone - have others of you found strategies to deal with this?

Just let some stuff go? I've got 4, 3 and 1yr old. They don't listen many times and laugh when I tell them to do something.

I used to yell at them a lot and was pissed only to realize that in the 2 hrs we shared during the evening were not quality times. I stopped telling at them to pick up all toys and focused on specific ones that are more manageable for them. I've given them 4 things to do when they wake up and before bed that is a game about who can get that done first (brush teeth, change clothes, bathroom, shower). The rest I just leave, which drives my wife nuts some days so I'll clean up then.

We have more laughs and a bit more of a mess.

Through all this, the 1yr old really doesn't pull his weight no matter what I say.. Lol

I have three kids (10,6,4). Both of us work FT. It is very hard to balance everything including the parental, partner, and spouse relationship. Respect, accountability, and communication is always a challenge and even finding time for ourselves is very hard. The two things that helps are (1) divide and conqueror Distinct responsibilities and (2) do something nice for each other just to cut the tension and doesn’t fell like you are living with a roommate at times. Through that you can create a better bond and communication line which will breed better respect. Just my two cents. It takes work. Not gonna lie. Lots of work but if both can work on it it will be better. As your kids get a bit older. you will have more free time.

Guess need to realize that You can't be the most knowledgeable or smartest person in every room or wake of life.

How old are your kids? My 3 year old daughter is 1000% my boss right now

What do you mean at home you feel ignored and treated as subordinate?

From your wife or from kids or from both?

There's a spectrum of treat you like a rrockstar, to treat you neutral, to treat you like POS.

Is it more you're no longer rockstar and you don't feel appreciated? Or truly put you down.

I feel this way (towards POS) , and it started with our newborn. At that point, wife was stressed, i was no longer a point of attention to her and all her energy was focused on baby and i was treated as 2nd class citizen.

I actually really enjoyed work because people would greet me, hi! How was your weekend. Lets get lunch. That's awesome. Ask me for input and advice. I would solve problems. I felt visible and alive.

At home i was ignored. No good morning. No how are you. Didn't have meals with wife. Literally ignores and didnt speak to me except to complain about something i did wrong, or if she needed me to fix something around the house.

Unfortunately it didnt get better and got worse. Im in a unique situation where it had turned abusive.

Hopefully that's not your case. And you and your wife need some rest and reconnection and to be able share your needs with each other.
Best of luck

It may be a bit trite, but something that has helped me is to remember I’m raising an adult, not a child.

Within the many correctable behaviors may occasionally lie a kernel worth fostering, even if it’s immediately aggravating. YMMV

We’ve struggled with this too with our 4.5 year old. There are some nights it’s just a nightmare, but most we try to be empathetic if him and not reacting strongly to a tantrum if he’s tired or there are other factors at play. I’ll also say my wife has a huge ability to be able to talk him through his emotions.

The biggest challenge for us has been me then making my wife feel supported instead of just deferring to her since she’s better at it (she’s a SAHM). There is 100% an ebb and flow to it. Requires patience and kindness and communication from both of us. I’ve also found working my 12 step program helps as it keeps me mindful and aware of what I’m bringing to various situations. Even if you aren’t an addict I think the 12 steps can benefit anyone.

Last I really really struggled with the separation. Last few weeks I’ve gotten into the habit of completely clearing off my work desk and packing it all up in my bag and leaving it by the door, as if I was getting home from work. Then I put personal stuff out on my desk, as if to convert the space. I’ve found going through those motions almost flips a switch in my head and walks and stuff never worked for me

I liked the book “How To Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk (The How To Talk Series)” which helped my wife and I through some of these issues with our children. Check out the Amazon description and see if it might be a fit.

Kids are 8 and 4.. I’m not quite there yet but feel that you could be a bit more authoritarian on that front to gain some respect back. For my younger kids, I use a form of 1-2-3 magic when I mean business (not all the time so as not to overuse) and this works to get them to listen.

Yes. But let’s discuss, is this first year as parents?

I feel as I can relate to this post too much. I’m actually doing counseling since I feel my wife victimizes to get validation for decision making. Also, I am in a traveling role, therefore, I’m never home. Yet, when I am it’s always something other than me (her parents, nieces, etc.) I have came to the point I ask for extensions on my time away, but don’t want to be selfish with my son since he misses me and wants me home.

It is a tough situation and best of luck OP.