I’m tired of trying to explain to non-law friends why I can’t just 'take a mental health day' or ignore emails after 6pm. They think I’m making excuses, when really I’m just trying to survive in a high-pressure profession. I miss feeling understood by people outside this bubble. How do you handle these conversations without sounding defensive, or do you just stop trying to explain?. One friend even joked that I 'act like I'm a surgeon,' and I laughed, but it stung. I’m always expected to be available, but explaining that without sounding dramatic is exhausting. I just want to feel understood.

They’re right, you need a break. There’s nothing about the practice of law that requires this. Your workplace is harming you.

I wish I’d listened to non-lawyers about my life earlier. Might have found a balance that worked sooner.

The answer is both....you do not need to explain to them. But possibly consider at least some of what they are saying....set some boundaries with clients, with partners etc for your own mental and physical health. That might look like having at least one day a week where you stop answering emails after 6:30pm .

Honestly who cares what they think…like seriously.

They’re right. No one dies if you occasionally ignore emails outside business hours or spend a random afternoon watching Netflix. Have you tried doing these things?

I don't bother trying to explain it.

Let’s be honest, they’re the ones with the properly centered conception of work. We’re the ones who are messed up. The practice of law sucks and the sooner we admit it the sooner it might change.

They are right though. You don’t save lives. Not everything is urgent. Sometimes it sucks because for the level of review required something that isn’t urgent becomes urgent to you, but like the world wouldn’t stop if you did. They’d just throw someone else willing in your place. If that’s what you want for you then cool. If not try to set a couple of boundaries or otherwise move on.

AmLaw 50 here. TBH this is sad (and more than a little cringe). Some tough love: One day you’ll look back and realize that what you do is actually not that important in the grand scheme of things. If something is “high-pressure” it’s because you’ve chosen to define it that way (likely because it makes you feel more important) not because it’s *actually* high-pressure. This is all artificial nonsense. I’d encourage you to revisit your priorities (and listen to your friends, who I imagine are being relatively gracious toward you despite this “look at me I’m so important” persona you’ve decided to adopt).

On days that you have plans and you know work will not be urgent (like right before a closing) can you not tell your teams that you are out of pocket for the evening? This is the SOP of my practice group and it’s pretty respected.

I will also add that as an in house lawyer I hire outside counsel a lot and I try to be specific that unless I say something is urgent, it’s not. If you’re at a firm and in a position to do so start exploring with your clients what their actual expectations are.

I don’t have any concrete advice but to say I struggle a bit with this too. I’d suggest maybe exploring therapy. If you find a therapist you jive with they can be a great partner to talk through these sorts of things with and try to reframe or figure out how to change how this makes you feel.

Agree with everything said here — but besides the advice of “maybe they’re right,” etc, I explain it to my friends like my job is my child. Sometimes I can’t go to things because I can’t get a babysitter, I can’t just ignore my kid if they cry, and I can’t just pretend I don’t have these responsibilities. Usually helps contextualize it a little bit. (Please save the “that’s sad that you have to compare it to a kid” comments — it’s just to help people understand not because my job feels like my child)

Well…we work in a service industry with demanding internal and external clients…and we earn a lot of money. It’s about delivering exceptional service and results, and a lot of times that means it’s inconvenient. If we / you don’t do it, someone else will and that’s when work goes to other associates (at the micro level) or other firms (at the macro level). A reasonable analogy is restaurants…if one doesn’t meet / exceed expectations, why wouldn’t the customer just walk across the street where that happens?

I worked for a Judge years ago who always said, "We don't decide death penalty cases here." I use this phrase myself as a way of setting boundaries with my clients since I don't do "emergency" type work, most of the time. It usually get a laugh and people understand that I am not going to kill myself outside of work hours without a conversation about why it is necessary. And when it is, happy to step up, My husband is a Big 4 partner, and I even say it to him sometimes when he is working outside the bounds of reasonableness. It it so important that you remember you've got to have some space from work to prevent burnout and few people are important enough to be handling true emergencies all the time.

I left BigLaw because I couldn’t balance the requirements of the job with the requirements of my life—including relationships with friends, need for rest, etc.

I transitioned to in-house and enjoyed most nights and weekends (deal work be deal work so it needs some time outside the 9-5, but way less). I loved it and now my in-house job is transitioning into a “always on-call“ model for the client so I’m leaving. I didn’t like working round the clock for BigLaw dollars and I’m sure as h€ll not doing it for my salary.

It’s hard in the beginning to realize your value to an organization when you are a class of 100+ but now I’m older and know I can provide value at a good salary within reasonable boundaries!

Best of luck to you in your journey!

Do they make less than you? If yes, consider helping them understand how lucrative this career is, since that's kind of why we do it right; If no, ask them how to get into their field and also tell me. Also, it's OK to acknowledge this job if f'n crazy. Because it is f'n crazy, and to a friend or SO frankly they aren't wrong to want to know your (our) justification.

yea i understand you too. when i was still in private practice, my non-law friends suggested i can consider seeking role in another area of practice i.e. from commercial lawyer to litigation lawyer or be a civil celebrant of marriage. at that time (or until now it still is) being a commercial lawyer is under immense billing pressures as the economy just didnt sound good....

Your non-law friends are correct. I wish I listened to my non-lawyer friends & family who were in the minority. However, the majority of my friends were also in toxic law firms dealing with the same toxic conditions and lack of boundaries - the danger is that your stressful bubble becomes normal. So normal that you don’t notice when burn out and health issues gradually develop. A therapist can help you with boundaries, delegation, time mgt, expectation mgt, and most importantly separate your identity from your job. If your job doesn’t give you adequate staff find a new job. Ideally, you can transition out of your practice into a more relaxed in-house or non-lawyer “JD preferred” role (contract mgt, risk & compliance, legal operations, etc) and start living your life. Good luck!

Being a lawyer isn't a job, it's a life.