Can I just say while I'm grateful to barely have the means to pay for a nanny for my baby I do not enjoy it?

It was the same with my first, I felt so much calmer when she went to daycare at 2. No more dealing with the subtle demands of a nanny (she keeps pressuring us to pay for things we have agreed on not paying when she was hired), no more strangers in the house, no more daily oversight and management. She is a good nanny but she is a hired worker, cont

Sorry to hear. Just to share a message of support. That sucks and you are right to have these feelings.

It sounds like you have the wrong nanny. I definitely can relate to it being a little stressful having the kids home all day and a newer person in the house, but we absolutely LOVE our nanny. She feels like family/fits in well with our family, and regularly goes above and beyond (like cleaning is not in her contract, but some days when the kids napped long she will clean our whole kitchen).

Agree with what others have said about reframing perks as basic necessities. We don’t try to nickel and dime her, and try to make sure that we have special things set for her, like her favorite snacks, or something we saw over the weekend that made us think of her

You may just need a different nanny. Our first was like this - always wanting more money or perks and while not even meeting the bare minimum for some of her contracted job tasks (tidying, rotating toys, organizing, etc). She’d sit and read for 2-2.5 hours every day during naptime. I get that everyone needs a break, but she also wasn’t doing everything we needed her to do.

We made a change and it was SO difficult emotionally and logistically. That said… Our new nanny is fantastic. Our child is happier, our marriage is better (less fighting over the things our nanny didn’t do), and our home is running more smoothly than I ever thought possible. We do pay $1.50/hr more and added “load/unload dishwasher” to the job duties, but it’s a life-changing difference. She just goes out of her way to be helpful. Costco order arrived? Puts it away and breaks down the boxes. Sparkling water in the fridge running low? She refilled it. We’re going out of town? She took a prelim cut at packing for our toddler, with outfits rolled together and a detailed inventory of what was included. Early on she even came to me and said, “hey, your kid naps for a long time - I have SO much free time. How else can I help?” It almost feels too good to be true.

I can afford a nanny but prefer daycare all day long for many of the reasons you said + getting kids out of the house. Your nanny sounds like she’s doing it for the wrong reasons.

This is going to sound terrible.. but you could make some subtle hints on shopping around for a new nanny that has traits your current one doesn’t have. Not sure what city you’re in but there’s an excess of available people looking for a nanny gig versus demand/ability to pay for one.
Ours hasn’t become more demanding per se but is taking off for long vacations suddenly. We waited around for her after the first take off, but after the second one needed to find a replacement and found that the new nanny has a lot of the same great qualities the first one did 🤷‍♀️ def took some shopping around and getting references to find a good person, could tell that there were some nanny’s that had a long list of complaints from previous employers that made us quickly say nope

I haven’t had this experience, but I think it’s the way I approach the relationship. Really good, reliable, nannies are hard to find. I have one, and I want to retain her. To do that, I need to make sure she has a pleasant working environment and there are benefits that support her. I offer: a competitive hourly rate, with a small increase annually. 2 weeks paid time off, and a Christmas bonus. I also always make sure she has snacks, drinks, etc. she likes so she is comfortable and she uses my car. She’s been with us for a year and she is like family. My baby loves her, is well cared for, and I can ALWAYS count on her. I believe you have to offer fair benefits ( you are calling them
Perks) if you want a good employee. She has never once asked for anything.

I’ve never felt uncomfortable having her in my house. She isn’t a stranger, she’s taking care of my child, and I know her. I love having her around. It’s a strange choice to pursue this type of childcare arrangement if you aren’t comfortable with it.

I love having a nanny but totally understand the downsides too! We’ve had both live in and live out nannies and even one for 5+ years and there are always some issues, nobody is perfect. At the end of the day, having someone who really helps out our family far outweighs the minor drama we’ve had. It’s a very personal job in your home and with your kids / family so I totally get it.

To put it in perspective — nobody is working for free at daycare either, you just don’t have to personally manage daycare workers. And managing people is a real job that comes with emotional burdens! I try to focus on all the good stuff we get, 1:1 care for my kiddos, a ton of house chores out of the way and hot meals on the table so that when I come home from work I can just spend time with the kids.

I had a similar experience with my au pair. I’m glad we didn’t renew with her and are getting a new one. My baby is more adaptable than we expected and it’s not as big of a deal changing caregivers as I thought it would be.

We typed up everything we will offer our new au pair and will stick to that and make it clear up front that this is what we can offer and it will not change. With our previous au pair we were on a slippery slope where she demanded things and we kept giving them to her at first, and she kept amping up her demands. It was our first year and we didn’t know better. In the end it was too much and we couldn’t take her anymore.

Even if they are small things you are valid in feeling frustrated by someone who keeps asking for more and changing the original agreement. They are taking care of your most precious thing and it’s hard to piss that person off and say no. See if you can add more structure to this. Have regularly scheduled review meetings when you can get into the right headspace and defer any requests until then. I’d casually look for a new nanny on the side and swap them out if this one becomes unbearable. A fresh start and a new dynamic might be what you need and gives you the chance to reclaim your power on your terms.

We have disliked every nanny we trialed and haven’t really loved a single babysitter either 😂

I only liked one nanny and we got her during a move and the pandemic after big time failures. She was special. Otherwise I strongly prefer daycare and think it helps the child to be around peers and coordinated activities. And they provide so many hours of care — way more than nanny. They do not call in sick, show up late, have to take vacation or time off for appointments. I detested listing out instructions and calculating how much I owe her for mileage, and paying the payroll company and making sure the required taxes and workers comp and disability insurance and all that got worked out. I hate thinking about meals every day and having all the dishes to do. Getting them out of the house most of the day helped the house stay put.

How are you sourcing these nannies? I never found anyone suitable from places like care.com. I did find a great nanny from a parents board where people post references for past nannies. Find a way to get recs from
other parents who have similar values as you. I am incredibly picky, and but found a nanny who at the time barely asked about money. She was genuinely a solid, warm person who enjoyed kids.

Her main interest in this is to get maximum money or other perks. I understand and respect that but I also think there is a power dynamic that works to my disadvantage. She cares for my baby. I want her to be kind, attentive, and in good mood around my child.

Meanwhile, I haven't gotten raises in 3 years bc Accenture decided to not give them to anyone and I barely can afford anything. The job market is also bad now. So I cannot give nannies everything they want.

Please don't suggest starting daycare earlier, my kiddo is a little late with her milestones so I need personalized care for now.

Do you all comfortably afford nannies if you have them? Do you feel like the nannies become more demanding every year? Finally, do you like having them around?

Sounds like you don’t have a well intended nanny, which is hard to find. It’s important to find someone who loves what they do and get alignment on parameters from the beginning. I was lucky to have a great experience overall but there were some moments where my ocd / preferences kicked in - but that was a me problem.