Hi, I’m a mid-senior level manager here. Wondering if anyone has cracked the code on getting their male partners to understand expectations when you WFH?

I’m frustrated with my partner, I used to cook breakfast for him everyday as a gesture not as something that is on me. Lately I was promoted and cannot make the time anymore.

He still expects me to « help » in the morning and feels « unappreciated » if I don’t do it. He thinks because I work from home I have unlimited time. Continue below

You just made me appreciate my husband more.  Although he does get frustrated when he comes home and there’s a bunch of packages and I haven’t even gone outside to pick them up. I even think that’s unreasonable. 😂

Start harping on the benefits of intermittent fasting and encourage him to give it a shot?!

For real, though, he's a grown man and should be able to figure out his own breakfast or skip it. My husband only gets a home cooked dinner out of me. Breakfast and lunch, he's on his own.

It sounds like you see setting boundaries but not enforcing them. So, give him one more conversation "I can't make breakfast for you in the morning, I have a staff meeting" then wave him off when he comes to ask for help. Point to your headphones or notebook, lock the door, wave him away. It takes a while to get people to change their behavior and it will need to start with you.

I've had challenges that are similar. I make substantially more money in my house where my job also requires long days and I take on a lot of the labor. So at one point, I literally listed out things I'm doing in a week and asked him to do the same.
Then we talked about it being unreasonable for not only the physical task but to also carry the mental load of asking him to do the basics.

I asked him to star the things he hates doing the most and I did the same. Household labor is not created equally - ex. I literally would rather cut my arm off than do dishes every night. He doesn't mind them so he does the dishes.

If he stars breakfast, then your compromise is taking dinners off your plate or some other set of tasks that feel comparable. Humans like choices. If breakfast is really that important he will make concessions. Whatever the choice, you can refer back to that decision.

Frankly while I appreciate his love language is acts of service and so you doing things for him is a way that he feels that you are showing him love, it's not reasonable to expect you to be doing something like making him breakfast every morning. You don't work for him. You were doing it out of affection when you had the ability to do it. The expectation of requiring something happen is not showing love. It is performing an obligation. If he wants breakfast, he can make it himself. You need to put your foot down on this because waffling on it will not make it any easier. I sometimes make my husband lunch when I'm making lunch for the kids. I don't always, and he would never expect me to be responsible for him to have lunch everyday. Your husband is an adult. He can make his own breakfast. On days that you can make him breakfast or help and want to actually do this, go for it. That's completely different. But the expectation that you will do something because he wants you to do it and not because you want to do it for him, is an obligation and is not something you should take on
Eta: I've been with my husband 21 years as of this coming August. You can have boundaries and still love the hell out of each other

I have talked to him, explained that I have a new role and new responsibilities and I need to focus. Break my work in the morning to cook for him so he feels appreciated is not possible. He says he understands and it is not a problem, yet, every morning he asks again the same question and ask me to help. There are other things similar happening. I’m starting to be very tired of him and do not know what to do anymore

Next time he asks, ignore him and text him a link to Door Dash 😆

If he is sharing that he feels unappreciated, it may be worth looking at the bigger picture. The root of it may not be about breakfast, it could be a larger overall sentiment that breakfast is one example of. Have you two talked through love languages? Do you know (does he know?) How he receives love? If you do, what are other ways you could show him that you appreciate him that also work within your work needs? Whenever one person in the household has a transition to routine, we all have a transition to routine. Any transition takes discussion of needs and conversations about how, as things shift, we all need to shift as well.

Couples therapy is really helpful for transitions and communication like this.

Also, I hear good thing about the book Fair Play, by Eve Rodsky (but I haven’t read it so can’t vouch)

Grrrr…..if you figure this out, please let me know 🥲

Divorce

I had that issue for quite some time, I've been working home since COVID. The only thing that has ever really helped is the days that my husband is home when I am, and hears the back-to-back conference calls and the furious typing answering emails. If it's something that's possible, maybe he can take a weekday off and just kind of observe what you do all day that might give him a better picture?

I had to sit my partner down and ask him where he disconnect in understanding was for certain things.

Maybe he feels like some morning you may have time and if he asks you then perhaps on those days you’ll have the time and will be able to help.

It seems like this became something that made him feel loved and now that it’s not happening you may need to figure out if a) there is some other action that can be done to replace that feeling b) make a plan to make this action work (wake up 10mins earlier or help prep breakfast the night before) or c) let him know that his constant pressure when you’ve told him a hard no feels like he’s not hearing you and it’s beginning to making question your relationship with him (if that’s the case).

I would also explain to him that WFH is so hard when it comes to a work/life balance because there’s never a true disconnect from either place.

Same problem here but if you can and have an office at home, close the door and post a sign outside "Do not disturb,
I will be available during lunch time 12pm-12:30pm and after 5pm."

Maybe when he works call him and ask him to do stuff like go and do grocery shopping or pick up the kids or run some errands, maybe deal with some billing issues, contractors you hired, something that can keep him busy.
I tell my husband that when I WFH he should treat me like I'm not here.

He's funny! I'm so sorry that he started to expect it. You should probably have a conversation about your priorities and how you guys share the load. He can cook too.

I’m sorry, that can be frustrating. If you don’t want this to escalate, maybe consider cooking/prepping the night before and just warm it up for him in the morning. Hope things get better!

That’s so tough OP, and I’m sorry to hear that this is happening. It’s difficult when a routine is broken and it takes time to adapt. Maybe you can compromise (I.e. nighttime prep for the week! I usually make overnight oats and chia pudding in large quantities for breakfast food. It’s super quick and lasts a week in the fridge). You should also try level setting with him — go through your busy schedule and explain that you don’t have unlimited time and mornings are busy. Maybe you can try alternating prep weeks.

My ex thinks I can come and go as I please because I work from home. Like I should be able to drop everything and run out any time of day to shuffle our kids around.