How do you deal with dating someone with a demanding job? I constantly worry that the long nights of work and days with hardly any texts or calls, excuses why they can’t hang out, are just lies for spending time with someone else or not wanting to see me or talk to me

It’s 100% an excuse. I’ve seen the most busiest people with very demanding jobs make time for the people they love and care about. He/she is likely not that into you.

If someone wants to make time for you they will do that — the concern that they’re cheating on you might be anxious attachment / insecurity, but the root of the issue is valid and worthy of consideration.

It’s not that hard to send a good morning text - even when my boyfriend was working 80-100 hours a week (IB) I got a text at least once a day or a commitment to do something on the weekend if a week was going to be particularly bad. If they cant find a way to fit you into their life then their priorities might be different :( but you deserve someone who makes a forward plan even if they can’t hang / talk that week or evening and who finds a way to check in on you even if just to say hi. And most importantly, someone who will work with you to make you feel secure even given their busy work schedule, and who puts effort in to finding a solution.

It sounds like y’all just might have incompatible lifestyles.

I’m a work to live person myself and I wouldn’t date someone that regularly worked 60+ hours throughout the year at a white collar job.

I would seek therapy

Follow your intuition. If they don’t make time to send a good morning text and see you on weekends, move on to someone who will.

The devil is in the details. Nobody is too busy to send an "I am thinking about you" text, though perhaps engaging in a 5-10 minute "sweet nothings" call in the early stages of a relationship might not be a priority. Being too busy to hang out is totally fine as well, so long as they are proactively trying to fit time in their schedule for you elsewhere.

Being super busy but willing to show effort looks very different than someone who is using being busy as an excuse to stay distant. As you described the situation above, this appears to be the latter.

OP, are you seeking calls and texts during the work day, which mtg be long? Or before/after known work hours?

From my own experience, he may really just be that busy. I had issues dating as my schedule is demanding and unpredictable. I’m on call 24/7 even holidays. If that phone goes off, I have to jump.

I started telling men from the first date that yes my phone will ring at 11 pm, and I will have to answer it or I will lose my job. Yes, my email will be going off sometimes on a Friday night when we’re on a date. Every now and again I will have to cancel a date due to work, but I’ll try to give him ample notice to the extent I can. Guys would say they understood but by the third date they said they’d had enough of me having to step away to check my phone every hour.

I told my boyfriend the same thing before our first date, and he said he will never understand that lifestyle but he will never interfere or make me feel bad about it. He has kept his word. Instead when my emails go crazy on a Saturday night and I jump up from the couch to respond to emails on my laptop he makes sure I’m okay and don’t feel bad for taking those emails. It helps that he has family obligations, hobbies, and friends and is older and a bit more mature. He’s used to women being upset with him for being busy at family outings or with his friends. I understand because I’m busy too.

I prioritize him in other ways. When I see him, that sometimes means I have to work until 3 am to make up my work after our date ends. He knows this and is grateful for that sacrifice. In exchange he drives an hour out of his way each way to see me during weeks he knows I’m swamped with work and doesn’t make me feel bad for taking work calls or emails. At first he wondered if I was dating multiple guys and kept trying to lock me down to get me to be his girlfriend before finally admitting he wondered if I was seeing anyone else. Now he’s seen my work and has felt my Apple Watch going crazy with Outlook notifications late at night when we’re cuddling in the movie theater and has seen the look of horror on my face as my work line buzzes and suddenly I’m taking a call talking corporate slang on a Saturday afternoon. He has held me when my face has fallen because something horribly wrong has happened at work after-hours and I’m spiraling.

I just say see what pans out. Time will show whether he really is that busy or whether he’s juggling multiple women. If you stick around enough he will either slip up and reveal himself or like my boyfriend has, you’ll get close enough to see what is really happening when things are serious and you spend enough time together.

It’s okay if you can’t handle it. Most people can’t unless they have very busy lives of their own. But if you can’t handle it please do him a favor and tap out now. The last thing you want is for him to really start to like you only for you to decide it’s too much. If you don’t see him for weeks that’s an issue.

I will say before I took this job I dated a briefly dated a veterinarian (when I was in college) and then a medical resident (when I had a less demanding lawyer job that was a 9-5 but very low paid and struggled to pay bills). Both of them seemed to never be available, and it irritated me and made me insecure so I ended things. And that was okay. I had trouble believing anyone could be that busy. I now see through my own experience they absolutely could be. I was much less mature back then and needed someone who had a free schedule like mine.

If not hearing from him daily is your boundary, politely tell him you worry about him and if he’s okay when you don’t hear from him and you’d like to at least hear he’s not dead once a day. Don’t try this until you know he’s head over heels. My bf used to only really talk to me on date nights and maybe once in the few days between. It drove me crazy. I simply told him, and he adjusted and now texts me at least daily.

Btw, if he isn’t your boyfriend, keep seeing other men and going on other dates! Don’t put all your eggs in one basket. You don’t owe anyone exclusivity who hasn’t made you officially his gf.

If they are making excuses and not spending time with you, then they are most likely not interested. People make time for who and what they want to prioritize

OP you don’t need to spend cycles trying to dig out the root cause of why he is non-communicative. Just focus on what it is that YOU need from your partner to feel loved, seen and safe. If you need more communication in a relationship, then 1. Tell him how you feel neglected when he doesn’t communicate and 2. See id he reciprocates and makes a change. If he doesn’t, this relationship is not for you, because your needs are different. Just know that what you see now, is how its going to be for the rest of this man’s life. Can you imagine living the next XX years with this man with this type of sparse communication?

Just remember two things:
1) all of our inferences about what someone else is thinking are usually wrong, so don’t put too much weight on them
2) but their actions and how they make you feel are important. Listen to your feelings, and if you want the person to change their behavior, say something