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You don’t walk the line, you break it. No matter how carefully you speak, someone will still call you difficult. So stop shrinking and take up space anyway.
How do you know that male associates have been labeled as leaders for acting aggressively? Also, how do you know that’s a good thing?
I am a male associate with a direct interaction style and have also been told to tone it down. I know there are double standards for men and women. However, law firms are also overly polite places and people tend to last longer by keeping their heads down and picking their battles wisely.
Telling a lawyer, man or woman, that they can never be too aggressive and to ignore the opinions of others is a recipe for making everyone miserable and getting the lawyer fired.
This happened to me in my review. Male partner told me I need to learn how to take charge without being bitchy. Things that would never be said to a man.
Not difficult, perhaps overly sensitive that they allow someone else’s words to cause so much strife. Would you prefer guys and gals. Not many people use “gals”. I’m on a team now where the partners constantly ask “how’s it going boys” when talking to the men on the team. I have yet to hear one of the boys be upset by that. Don’t let other people’s words shape you.
I moved to a different employer and realized it doesn't have to be this way. I have full respect with my new team.
I changed jobs and it was only in hindsight that I realized the hit my confidence had taken from being in an environment much like you describe. My new firm has much more diverse leadership and it was a big quality of life upgrade!
If their feedback is about your personality, it’s not feedback. It’s their discomfort.
Call it out. “It appears that you are uncomfortable when I express my concerns/opinions/ideas/etc. directly. Can you please explain why that is? Or How would you like me to share this information with you? Or even. You’ve called me aggressive, what exactly do you mean by that? Can you give me specific examples? And when they give you examples, ask how you should have handled it differently.
You’ve praised Joe for being direct and straightforward, yet criticize me for the same thing. Can you explain the difference?
Stay calm and frame it as if you are truly soliciting feedback. Both you and they will quickly be able to identify times when maybe you did miss the mark on your approach and when they are simply being biased. You can plan your next steps from there.
You need a team with strong leadership, and probably a boss that's a woman. Representation matters. As a male POC, I experience some of this, but certainly not in the same ways as a woman.
You may want to read Emotional Labor by Rose Hackman. She puts this issue in stark perspective.
Adding a link. https://www.thriftbooks.com/w/emotional-labor_rose-hackman/23314350/item/58220042/?utm_source=google&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=pmax_high_vol_scarce_%2410_%2450_17400876848&utm_adgroup=&utm_term=&utm_content=&gad_source=1&gad_campaignid=17400878123&gbraid=0AAAAADwY45j7ifwkeQADFM6-dyTRFj-NW&gclid=EAIaIQobChMImq6Dh6m3jQMVz0pHAR3jFTdxEAQYAiABEgIP9vD_BwE#idiq=58220042&edition=64755960
Don't walk the line and who cares how you are labeled. Keep being assertive and take up that space! That will get you places with the people who truly matter, i.e. the people who you will be the happiest working with/for.
"Well-behaved women seldom make history."
Lucky to litigate at a firm with more women partners than men and came up under some really great strong women, but I still face this issue with clients and judges, and I’m honestly still traumatized from the number of times I’ve been called “abrasive” or “strident.”
I do great work, I know my stuff, and I overprepare for oral arguments and other important events so that I have extra bandwidth to moderate my tone. I try to let the rest go.
Try to just worry about the task at hand and doing it well. And meditate 😃. To keep yourself centered and focused so that you don’t get absorbed into the nonsense. But it is tough.
And also maybe at some point you want to try another team or another firm. People always tell you it’s the same everywhere but it isn’t always. Next time, you will be able to spot these behaviors a little more quickly and hopefully end up on a team that is at least trying to be less biased.
Fifteen years ago, I was a 30+ legal marketer. The CMO told me to be less of a school marm (he was a Brit) in my annual review. My job was to coordinate with a team of 50 on a host of legal marketing tasks against many deadlines across multiple practice groups, industry groups and countries. It was a lot and people were very busy, and a lot of coordination and reminders were needed. Had it been a man in my role, he would not have been called a school marm. In the 15 years since, I've done a lot and worked for various firms and a couple of startups and have juggled huge workloads. As you get older, it is more accepted that you are more "demanding", at least I have seen that in my case. And often, women that make partners are actually quite demanding and not "nice" because, at least until now, they've had to be to make it to partner in make-dominated firms. So in a way, while generational attitudes may eventually change things, in the meantime, try to tone down requests a little, knowing that as you age, it will be more accepted that you have authority and can be more "demanding" and not have to be so "nice" when asking people to do things they're supposed ro do and are just not doing for whatever reason.
I think it's wrong and very sexist. But, you are in the board room. You're going to have to manage this, deal with it, as boys are very sexist. and let's face it, not very bright. You be you, a professional woman and let the boys play out their power struggles. If you don't like it there...maybe decide on moving on at some point.... and finding a better place to use your skills.
The difference between you and the man in this scenario is that the man Does Not Care. Why do you?
We don’t even know that he’s not being called out. We know that OP has the perception of disparate treatment. I’ve been told the same thing OP has and simply ignored the commentary and went about my life, especially considering this is typical lawyer behavior and is/was exhibited regularly by my male and female colleagues at every firm I’ve worked for. OP could/should also call out the disparate treatment.
Paralegal 1 scenario is totally different from OP.
All of these things❤️
I’ve seen many women lawyers who tried too hard to prove they were as tough as your average jerk male attorney and it always comes across as having a chip on one’s shoulder, unnatural and obnoxious. Don’t be that person.