Rising Star
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Hi Fishes, Currently I am working in Kolkata for past 3 years. I am not a fan of the humid weather in Kolkata. Whenever I go out, its sweaty.. I have an opportunity to shift my workplace to Hyderabad. I want to know about Hyderabad weather month wise..
Weather is only the deciding factor to move. Anyone who has lived in both the cities for more than a year.. Cognizant Tata Consultancy Capgemini IBM Infosys
Rising Star
Any Saudi folks here? Alf Mabrook!
Any recruiter in search of a Scrum Master 🙂
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Rising Star
This may be an unpopular opinion, but I think the expectation that your bridal party has “duties” is dated and an unfair expectation to place on people. They should be the people you went to celebrate with a little extra and that can get ready with you the day of and be a little more involved in your day, not people that need to cater to your every wish or perform tasks that you can’t balance yourself or should have hired a coordinator for.
This isn’t against you, just my feelings about how people treat wedding parties in general, but he’s probably feeling a bit uncomfortable being the only guy there, and is trying to figure out how to make it enjoyable for himself as well.
Here’s my main question, if he was one of your closest friends but wasn’t gay, would you still have included him in your bridal party?
Pro
Is he feeling tokenized? Just because he is gay doesn’t mean he is female/fem.
Pro
I think the biggest issue here is communication, or lack there of. How did you invite him on this trip? What duties did you communicate in advance? Is it possible he feels tokenized by you in other interactions? You reference him possibly not being able to reconcile his two sides, but that feels like a huge leap to make based solely on this.
I definitely don’t think you are being intentionally insensitive and the fact that you are here looking for help means you care a lot about your friendship. I would open a dialogue, say things feel off, and be prepared to potentially be in the wrong, while respectfully telling him why you feel upset as well.
From what you’ve written, there’s a couple things going on here.
First, you seem to have a very specific set of expectations for your wedding party. This is generally difficult in this day and age because traditions have changed and people have different expectations regarding their roles. There’s nothing wrong with you having them, just that they need to be communicated as others above have stated. From your list of “duties,” it seems the only one your friend is not doing is the bachelorette trip. He’s gone out of his way to get your approval on his suit. And most of the other ones are wedding-day activities. So it seems like you’re taking one activity and making it a sign of his commitment (which doesn’t sound fair since he tried to find a compromise with bringing his partner). It could be that you have an all-or-nothing mentality, and this was communicated to him beforehand. Bottom line: it boils down to trust: do you actually trust your gay best friend or do you not? Remind yourself of the reasons why you wanted him in your bridal party to begin with.
Regarding the issue of a gay man being uncomfortable attending a girl’s trip, it’s a valid concern and different gay people will have different preferences (with a majority having discomfort).
Repeat after me. A GAY MAN IS NOT THE SAME AS A WOMAN. You keep on bringing up the fact that most of his friends are women as a reason why he should be comfortable. That is not valid. A woman might also have mostly male friends, that does not mean she’s comfortable going away on a bachelor’s weekend.
A bachelorette weekend, even one that does non-gendered activities is still an overall WOMEN-centric activity. All your other friends going are women. The topics of conversations are women-driven. Every place you go to will know you’re a bachelorette party. Most gay men are not going to be comfortable in that setting, with varying levels of discomfort. There will be many foreseen and unforeseen instances where he will be alone. For example, getting ready and changing for whatever water sports activity you planned.
Honestly, you might even enjoy yourself even more if he wasn’t there. Studies show and we all know, the conversation and the vibe changes in a mixed-gender setting, even with the addition of just one gay man. Repeat: A GAY MAN IS NOT THE SAME AS A WOMAN.
Mixed bridal or groom’s parties are a very recent modern thing and have a host of these logistical and emotional issues. Since you wanted one, I encourage you to be maximally empathetic.
Rising Star
you said everything I did better and then some. fully agree with all of this
Did you communicate all the expectations up front? I.e.: what events he will attend, what activities you may do, etc.
If that was already discussed and now that the time has come his attitude has changed, then treat him as you would any bridesmaid. Sit down and revisit the expectations and if he’s not able to meet them, reconsider his role in the wedding. If it’s just the bachelorette he doesn’t feel comfortable attending then maybe you can compromise and let him sit it out.
If that initial communication wasn’t had, take the time now to talk and get on the same page. During the conversation also give him space to share any hesitations or anxieties he might have: is he uncomfortable being the only guy? Does he feel like the activities are uncomfortable?
There’s always a chance to iron things out!
Rising Star
If he doesn’t feel comfortable going to the bachelorette for whatever reason, I would just let it go. I’ve been in weddings of friends Evo live out of town and I’ve only gone to either the bachelorette or the shower because traveling for both plus the wedding gets expensive and involves a lot of PTO. You mainly want people there with you on your wedding day, and if he’s willing to do that for you, I think that’s enough.
Rising Star
My main concern is IF he doesn’t want to do any of the duties of being in a bridal party. He seems to be just wanting to do what he wants to do instead of making it special for me. Do I let him do what he wants because he’s a guy? Or do I guide him towards typical duties? Any other advice would be appreciated. I don’t want to be a bridezilla, but I’m also questioning if this is fair to the rest of the bridal party too. I just generally don’t feel supported by him. He was excited in the beginning and wanted to get me the kitchen aid but it feels like there’s been a shift. It’s been taking a mental toll on me as well. My mom (who isn’t always right) thinks he’s jealous of me, idk.
I do have a potential “backup” if he dropped out.
Rising Star
😅 I get that. My “duties” are just more like “buy dress/suit”, “attend bridal shower”, “attend bachelorette”, “fix dress for photos” “dance floor hype” - which I don’t think a coordinator can really take on. His only duty so far was getting the suit, and I happily attended both shopping trips at his request.
It’s hard to say. I have straight male friends but I’ve always sort of kept a healthy distance (for example I wouldn’t go on a 1:1 vacation and share a bed with a straight male friend, which I’ve done with this guy - which he wanted). If he was a straight brother or something yeah I would include him because we are that close and talk weekly. He’s the first person who came to mind when considering bridal party.
Rising Star
ok those aren’t really the duties i was talking about haha . usually when people talk about bridal party duties it’s followed by some insane ask. i think he might just be feeling off about going on a bachelorette as the only guy, which could just be his own feelings on the matter and nothing to do with you. i think as long as he’s being a good friend surrounding the wedding with the exception of the bachelorette this might just be something to not try and fuss over
Rising Star
Understood thank you!