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This is just GOLD.

“i just fell asleep in the elevator”
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Blessing in disguise. They are horrible to their employees and don’t care about them. You dodged a bullet. Losing a job is never fun, and I wish you luck on your search, but trust me, this was redirection.
Coach
That's got to be crazy overwhelming. Good luck OP, please take some time to process and take care of yourself.
Call Deloitte to see if you can get your old job back or a new position. It's a great time to get a raise. Tell Tik Tok they need to pay for ALL the moves. If they don't, keep everything for your move. You can write it off on your taxes. I believe it's when you move 100 or more miles. Im not an accountant, so you should ask, but I was able to do that for a move.
Nope! Got a good amount of experience under my belt, although I wouldn't exactly call myself "old" :). You just don't know what you're talking about. Consulting companies are shedding headcount right now and there's a glut of talented people on the market, which is only creating downward pressure on salaries. Not to mention that constant turnover is part of the whole business model (if you think these companies care about "training" I'd argue you're the one who's naive). OP lost their job and has 0 leverage, why on earth would they pay them more than what they were making before they left?
Wait wtf you got laid off 1 month into working at tik tok?
It is ass
Severance?
There's nothing illegal about this unfortunately