I'm stuck in a sexless marriage with a 1 year old. We seem to be so disconnected and cannot stop arguing on each and every little thing. He cares too much for his family (i.e. parents living in India and sister living on the west coast) and his family always throws a wedge between us. Im so tired of this. He now wants to move back to India to be closer to family but I dont want anything to do with his family knowing what they have said about me and my kid. Any advice? Continued in comments...

There are three angles at play here: Dealing with the needs of a 1 year old, husband’s attachment to family and the lack of intimacy driven by factors above or other reasons.

If I were to tackle these issues, the welfare of the baby comes first. You have to ensure that the baby is comfortable and taken care of - does your husband help out here, does he take care of you, does he take care of household stuff, what is his attachment with the baby? If answers to most of the above are negative, that is a big red flag of a man who wants to do nothing raising ‘his’ family. Have an open conversation, post kids everyone is on edge. You are not sleeping well, career takes a backseat, responsibilities increase manifold and if only one parent is involved then that parent will lose their mind.

Not sure if you understand family dynamics in India but most men in India are way too attached to their parents. This is decades of patriarchy and mental conditioning forced on them. Pre-marriage they live like kings because their mommies act as servants in the hope that the son will get all their demands fulfilled once they start earning or through the absolute ridiculous concept of dowry in marriage. [for the uninformed, dowry in India is quite substantial for the girl’s side of the family and the practice refuses to die down since Indians want to marry within existing caste hierarchies]. Suddenly once they are married, they need to pick up responsibilities, they need to work out things with their wife and they realize that the wife has an opinion (which their mothers did not on most occassions). All of this plus the deep love for family makes the boy quite resentful and creates a perfect concoction for disharmony. You have to ask your husband point blank whether he loves his family more than you and if he says yes, you need to run.

Sex after a kid is virtually non existent unless you have help for the kid, household and are actively pursuing fitness. The physical element changes in ways not quite understood. You both need to have an open discussion on this and figure out the root cause of resentment leading to lack of sex. My suggestion is to go for marriage counseling, figure out a few things, try to reach an agreement on few topics, avoid going to India at the moment and try to settle this between you two rather than letting families enter the equation. Most often than that, familial connections in India dont have your best interests at heart and are the leading cause of divorce in young couples.

I’m both a divorce lawyer and a mom here to offer my two cents. First, I think intimacy is usually the last issue to address because it’s usually rooted in other issues. I think counseling to address the resentment you feel about his family and his maybe-codependent relationship with them is a good place to start. I agree with you that moving closer to his family will also exacerbate that issue.

Assuming he agrees to counseling, think of any other issues that are causing resentment. Does he contribute around the house? Is he an active father and co-parent? Make sure you make a list of everything so you can get it addressed in marriage counseling and not leave any loose threads unresolved.

If he’s not willing to go to counseling I’m not sure there is much to do. I know relationships really change, and sometimes struggle, after a baby - I have a pretty happy marriage but even I struggled with feelings of resentment when I was postpartum. I think things really settled down and I felt like things shifted in a positive way in my marriage around 18 months postpartum. I don’t know if you want to wait that long but those postpartum hormones can be intense.

This seems like a very difficult situation. Was there a lot of arguments similar to this before you were married or had a child? Unfortunately asking him to choose between his family and you will lead to more conflict before any resolution. If you both want drastically different things for your future, either one of you will be very unhappy or you will separate. You do need to be upfront with him on what is happening with his family and you so he sees and understands your side. It’s possible he chooses to defend you, or not. At least then you will have some semblance of an answer if you can move forward together or not.

@op, The name of this group is "Marriage advice for professionals," but all that I see generally on the comments section is to get divorced and whatnot, how hypocritical!! Duhh. Is getting divorced so easier an option these days? Don't you have any attachments with your husband? Even though you have a 1 year old with you guys, think about it. Most of the people in this group I feel are either not happy amongst their own lives and want the whole world to burn or can't really see others living a happily married life. Your husband does have responsibilities towards his parents, same as you do towards yours!! Both of you need to manage it for your own good.

Consider yourself setting an example for your child to leave your husband just because he cares for his parents. Will you be able to live with that? It will be a childhood trauma for your kid. Dont ruin his life. He needs both his parents along his side. Support your husband in every way possible and save your marriage lady. This bland psedu feminism is destroying lives for sure.

... also we are legally married in India and Im exploring my options to get a divorce. Has anybody been in these shoes before or has advice to share on how best to go about this?

See if you can take care of your child alone and marriage is really unbearable, get a divorce.. but do you have funds for lawyers, apartments, groceries, help for a baby?
Do keep your paperwork in place