Mother of 2 under 2 - high achieving corporate woman & spouse wondering if we’ve been sold a lie. What do families do to make it make sense? Seems like burnout is the only option for working moms. Dads’ opinions on the topic also welcome.

Context - have already hired for childcare and cleaning but the sheer learning curve of navigating new humans and mananging work / household logistics while being a present parent just not enough hours in the day. Not to mention sleep deprivation and illness.

I know. The only way that made sense for us was for me (the mom) to leave the workforce for a while. Exhaustion, resentment, and anxiety no longer describe motherhood for me. Money is tighter, but we are all much happier and are a healthier functioning household.

If you can afford it, outsource it. Cleaning ladies every other week, laundry pick up every week (wash & fold) and grocery shop online & delivered. House is messy...I choose child, husband and career over perfect home.

I manage the family calendar and just got a skylight calendar - helps us stay organized.

We split mornings and afternoons, I do drop offs husband works very early for a Euro company so manages pick up and dinner.

We have no backup care (grandparents far away or too old) so our backup is all paid for. We have a family friend in his 20s who we took in, he does not pay rent but when either of us travel he picks up the drop off or pick up, he works at a local daycare so awesome with our kiddo. This has been super helpful this year...I feel like there is an opportunity here with young people who are trying to make it work in careers that don't pay much.

My husband and I vacation separately once a year, so that we get actual down time. I like the beach... he likes to camp.

May get our first weekend away in 4 years since we now have the trusted family friend.
I have one child, he is now 7, I probably would have had a second but the pandemic happened. Up until the age of 4 we had au pairs, to reduce the need for drop offs and pick ups.
It is not easy and the only way we manage is through division of duties. Having it all is not possible - there will be times when you are prioritizing your career and others where your family comes first. Having a partner who is there with you, is the most important part.

Teacher professional development days, sick days, school vacations all need to be a discussion; not a foregone conclusion that you are the default parent, if you want to have a career not a job. Having a boss who gets it is wildly important, a boss that recognizes you and knows you get your work done even when you step out for a school performance.
Scheduled send on outlook and teams is your friend, if you work weird hours to catch up, if you lead don't make others think they must work those hours too.
Each year gets a little easier...I advocate for doing the math... stepping away is not just income lost (401k, raises, struggling to enter at the same level you left, network, etc) but if want it then it is worth the world. I was laid off during my maternity leave and used severance, maternity and unemployment to extend my leave and it helped a lot.

Nothing to offer, but in the same situation. 2 under 2, husband and I both have demanding careers. He makes much more than I do, but I’m the default parent. I feel guilty and burned out. Guilty for my role, because I can’t keep giving to it like I used to, guilty for my children because I get about 2 hours a day with them. Can’t win, and having the same debate. Also feel lied to. I don’t believe women can “have and do it all” anymore. Something has to give.
Solidarity.

My kids are a little older than yours, but I’m definitely feeling we’ve been sold a lie. I just do everything at work and home and even when I try to hand things off to my husband, society puts them back on me.

You are me 2 years ago. I promise it gets better! Once my youngest was 1.5 and a bit more sturdy and my oldest was 3, it got significantly better. They play together, are on the same nap and bed time schedule, eat the same food, play with the same toys, swing side by side, both fit on my lap for books and cuddles. Please hang in there for a little bit. You got this.

In case it helps, what we do:
Both kids still home with a nanny who is full time+ so we don’t need to worry about drop off and pick up and laundry and cooking for the kids
Cleaner every other week, robot vacuum every other day
Batch cook on weekends
Laundry on schedule
Groceries streamlined
Husband and I split housework. He actually might do more
We both work a lot and travel a lot. Key has been to coordinate our calendars so someone is always here mornings and evenings and the kids’ routine is intact
We also value family time on weekends so we decline a lot of social invitations and that’s ok. Our lives are so busy and full right now and down time is important. Maybe once a month or so we’ll take turns going out after bed time. We do a date lunch 1-2x a month while we have childcare in place
I make more than double but think that’s irrelevant unless discussed and agreed before having kids. Just because I make more doesn’t make my career or goals or time more valuable than his time. In fact I’m looking at potentially down shifting to give him more space to achieve his career goals. Our goal is not to maximize wealth. I do want to keep working because I enjoy it. But after hustling for years I’m ok taking a cut so I can enjoy my children. Note we also have completely combined finances. I wouldn’t take a step back if that weren’t the case.

Three kids under 5 here and I don’t think I have ever been so depressed in my life. Also about to turn 40, so really dealing with ailing parents as well. And everything happening all at once - it’s just a lot. I have no answers for you. All I know is it’s not easy. And I am sorry.

I’m a dad but totally see what you mean. My wife and I earn about the same but my current job has more flexibility so I handle a lot of the morning drop offs and pickups and dinners.

As others have said - you’re really in the thick of it. When your youngest turns 3 (or 5 in our case) things do turn around quite a bit. There are definitely other problems that emerge but the sleeplessness and overall fatigue do get better.

The only other piece of advice is to try to embrace the chaos. It took us a while to accept that we can’t be perfect all the time (far from it!). The house may be messy. Showers may become a 3x/wk thing. Meals may not always be delicious, elaborate, or nutritious (let alone all 3). Bedtimes may slip. Lateness may occur. Your children may join your work zoom call. You may miss a deadline at work.

It. Will. Be. OK

Give yourself/yourselves some grace

yes we have absolutely been sold a scam "empowerment" of "you can do it all". why should we have to do it all? men are not expected to do it all. the reason we burn out is because we're doing the mental and physical load of 2 or 3 people.

I’m a father, but can relate to this. We are a dual career couple, we have cleaning and full time nanny, but the first 3y of a kid’s life are intense. With the first one it was kinda manageble…we were still much more tired and stresses but we did well, at the second it was veeery difficult, almost divorced, but we stuck together and after the second turned 3 things got so much better. So in the end my only advice is to brace yourself mentally, it’s all temporary and very much worth it. We both got promoted in the first 5y of the children’s life and we are very present parents. A small disclaimer, we live in Northern Europe and the work hours are better than US or Asia…so might be very different there…heard horror stories from McKinsey colleagues in US :(

since you already got childcare/cleaning taken care of and assuming you have a supportive partner personally I think it's just the season of life you are at the moment. you are building your family and it's a high touch high maintenance part of life. It gets easier with time once kids start school.

it was easier to manage pre kids and it'll become easier again with time. good luck!

Yes, Managing Director 1!

When I seek advice from other parents with older kids, they first ask, "how old are they?" When I tell them, they say, "Ohhh! You're in the thick of it." Honestly, that's helped a lot.

Therapy helped me learn that I was expecting perfection of myself and others. That was causing me to be angry and stressed and miss all the amazing things I already had.

Post-partum anxiety is so real.

What is "success"? Why are work and life expectations so high? Scew social media pics of life.

I tried to figure out different jobs, life arrangements, even considered an RV year...I concluded that, as a working mother, I cannot "have it all" because there are not enough hours in the day.

We did the daycare things for the majority of our daughters early childhood. We all hated it and having other people raise your child is horrible. We finally got to a spot where we could afford it and my wife transitioned to a stay at home parent around the same time as I permanently moved to a remote position. Stress disappeared, we got to know our daughter again and honestly we grew closer again. I know it can be done with two working parents but I will tell you it is so much better if one of you can focus on the family 100%. We have less to spend now but our day to day life is so much better.

What you are feeling is the recognition that YOU HAVE BEEN SOLD A LIE.

There’s a lot to say on this subject but here are the highlights:

1) Everyone is finite. You cannot do it all without massive consequences to your physical health, mental health, family health, and relational health.

2) Children uniquely depend upon their mothers for the first couple years of life especially. This is displayed in their physical needs (like hunger) and their emotional needs for a tender mother. Working outside the home 40 hours a week makes this impossible for you to fulfill those roles and the child cannot properly attach to you and find you a safe and stable parent.

3) You are replaceable for a company and will be forgotten. Your children will always remember if work was too important, if a big house was too important, if lavish vacations were too important, or anything else. Do not continue to trade your children’s’ only childhood years to be disposable at a company (yes, even executives are disposable).

I’m going to be honest. I used to be very ambitious and high achieving. Still went guns blazing after having my first kid. But seeing how quickly she went to school, I realised I want more time with my second one while she’s still little. I’ve decided to freelance while they’re very little and either take in part time long term gigs or if it’s full time only shorter term gigs. Also open to part time perm role. I’m in a privileged position where my husband earns enough for me to be able to do this. But it does feel like a good balance bc my resume stays up to date, no gaps, but I get more time with the kids. Note that even in this setup I still feel like I’m always dropping balls and forgetting stuff (sometimes I forget to fee the kids 🤣). So yes, we’ve been sold a lie, but if you have the privilege you can choose what is more of a priority in each phase of your life. And also know nothing is permanent. Eg if you take a step back for a few years (while freelancing for ex so there’s no major gaps/ flags) you can always scale back up later.

We also had 2 under 2. My wife was a Sr Prod Manager at a US company. We made roughly the same. She took her mat leave and realized she wanted to be a present mother (at least during the bonding period of 0-4y) more than she wanted her career. She said if she has to lose her sanity managing adult tantrums at work, she’d rather lose it to her own children - at least they’ll love her forever 😂.

We realized we can make it work with one income, and if we need more I can always get a 2nd job. We’re a team - I bring in the money, and she gets the privilege of doing the most important job - raising responsible, godly children. Hope this helps!

Stay home with your babies. Go back to work when the last one starts school. You will never get those formative years back.

It’s worth considering if you’ll look back in life and regret the decision to work versus time with family. You never get these ears back and you’re trading it in for what?

Definitely harder when they're little but feel like we've made it to the other side now that youngest is 6. We have four kids. Now I feel more like a taxi.

Two working parents is a lie setup by our society. If you want a truly happy family, one parent stays home and takes care of the family while the other earns the $ for the family.
Pros: HAPPY family, more family time together (if the working parent prioritizes family over work), children see parents as a team, you will build memories as a family,
Cons: Money is tighter, cannot afford all the "toys" (boat, RV, jet skis etc.), need to get creative to be able to save $,
Just my opinion after making it work for over 30 years as the working parent with a wonderful partner who stepped and kept home a home.

I think it is a lie. The reason for there being, historically, a division between gender roles was to compensate for the diverse needs of children. Now, with modern tech, those roles aren't locked in like they once were. But the reality of there being endless objective conflicts is clear. My wife stays home with our kids. And it isnt because im better at making money, I can promise you that! Lol. Its so we could maximize the family thing. The kids need her more than me right now, so we went that way. Anyway you go, its not at all easy. But I wish they would make this clear to people. You have to sacrifice for anything important in the end. Then it just becomes a game of figuring out the best ROI to meet your goals.