Mother of 2 under 2 - high achieving corporate woman & spouse wondering if we’ve been sold a lie. What do families do to make it make sense? Seems like burnout is the only option for working moms. Dads’ opinions on the topic also welcome.

Context - have already hired for childcare and cleaning but the sheer learning curve of navigating new humans and mananging work / household logistics while being a present parent just not enough hours in the day. Not to mention sleep deprivation and illness.

I know. The only way that made sense for us was for me (the mom) to leave the workforce for a while. Exhaustion, resentment, and anxiety no longer describe motherhood for me. Money is tighter, but we are all much happier and are a healthier functioning household.

If you can afford it, outsource it. Cleaning ladies every other week, laundry pick up every week (wash & fold) and grocery shop online & delivered. House is messy...I choose child, husband and career over perfect home.

I manage the family calendar and just got a skylight calendar - helps us stay organized.

We split mornings and afternoons, I do drop offs husband works very early for a Euro company so manages pick up and dinner.

We have no backup care (grandparents far away or too old) so our backup is all paid for. We have a family friend in his 20s who we took in, he does not pay rent but when either of us travel he picks up the drop off or pick up, he works at a local daycare so awesome with our kiddo. This has been super helpful this year...I feel like there is an opportunity here with young people who are trying to make it work in careers that don't pay much.

My husband and I vacation separately once a year, so that we get actual down time. I like the beach... he likes to camp.

May get our first weekend away in 4 years since we now have the trusted family friend.
I have one child, he is now 7, I probably would have had a second but the pandemic happened. Up until the age of 4 we had au pairs, to reduce the need for drop offs and pick ups.
It is not easy and the only way we manage is through division of duties. Having it all is not possible - there will be times when you are prioritizing your career and others where your family comes first. Having a partner who is there with you, is the most important part.

Teacher professional development days, sick days, school vacations all need to be a discussion; not a foregone conclusion that you are the default parent, if you want to have a career not a job. Having a boss who gets it is wildly important, a boss that recognizes you and knows you get your work done even when you step out for a school performance.
Scheduled send on outlook and teams is your friend, if you work weird hours to catch up, if you lead don't make others think they must work those hours too.
Each year gets a little easier...I advocate for doing the math... stepping away is not just income lost (401k, raises, struggling to enter at the same level you left, network, etc) but if want it then it is worth the world. I was laid off during my maternity leave and used severance, maternity and unemployment to extend my leave and it helped a lot.

No advice whatsoever. 2 small kids at home and I was a single mom up until recently (getting married in a few months to a great partner who also has a demanding career). It’s really hard - but from my experience much, much easier with a partner than without. I feel sold a lie as well. I’m being promoted to solutions architect after spending the last 6 months leading a team of 7. I’ve never been so burnt out in my life even with a partner. We share the household responsibilities and he helps with the kiddos. If I have to take a late meeting or work over he takes on homework, going to the park, etc. I’ve learnt through my time as a single mother that you have to let go of what you think things should be. The perfect Martha Stewart style mom with the spotless house and eternally fulfilled children. I’ve had to learn that some nights we have frozen pizza and others a home cooked meal. Some nights the house is spotless after they go to bed, and other times it’s a wreck. No two days look the same in that regard. I look at which needs are plastic vs glass (deadlines at work = glass, school events = glass, kids are needing my presence = glass, dishes every day = plastic, some impatient a-hole at work wants something right now at 9 pm but it can wait till the morning = plastic). I prioritize the glass and if I’m juggling too much I let the plastic ones bounce and pick them up when I’m able. People tell me all the time I have it all and I just laugh at them. Having it all is the lie we were sold. We can only have as much as we can handle, and that’s okay. Do your best and remember you’ll never satisfy societal expectations- as a woman and a mother we’re expected to mother like we don’t work, work like we don’t mother, stay fit and beautiful forever, keep a spotless home, be social, keep track of all the schedules and secondary family obligations, etc. It’s too much and no one is doing it all without a lot of help. So deep breaths. The advice to outsource what you can is solid (I had a cleaning lady and a laundry service those are great places to start). And just remember to take care of you too, as you’re able.

Having it all is doable if you accept that the meaning of it will change on a daily basis.

The mother stays home with the children. That's how they handle it.

You can handle it.
I managed solo, divorced from day one.
Child now a 3rd year chemistry major 8 hours away and enjoy our time together.
We had zero financial help.
Enjoyed walks in the evening, breakfast for dinner. Mealplannika on weekends, my child had chores from an early day because no matter how small our family is, contributions to the family unit count.
Cherish the little things.
Time flies.

I feel for you. But make dad help and find the right one for your kids. It's the most important decision in your life. Kids are 1st. Your jobs can take a break once in a while

Me & wife both 34 have 2 kids and another on the way.

We split the drop of and pick ups based on when we both go to the office(on different days). We both have managers that also have family’s and this is very important and helpful as they are in the same boat. I have a shorter lunch to be able to do both the drop offs. We are luck and have grandparents that can help with some of the holiday cover. Normally as we both work from home we split the days we need and have half days off. Were possible plan ahead and get things ready in advance e.g. kids lunch, clothes for the next day. Once structure is set keep to it and if you divert from it, reset the next day.
Kids have a set bed time and the evening are then free for us if we want to do something together or separately. If the last couple or years we have both dose apprenticeships and courses specific to our careers by sticking to routine and supporting each other when the other is busy as above.

Feel like the above is me just rambling, sorry.

Becoming a stay at home mom has been an immense blessing for my wife.

Maybe the lie you've been sold is also a fantasy you've been thinking of since you were a working professional. My dream used to be working in games. With so much instability in the games and entertainment field,it is not ideal for a family life anymore. It is okay to have a job or a career you like but it is up to you now how to define what success and happiness brings you. I think the lie we've succumbed to is that wanting even less of the ideal of "all " is now a sign of ungratefulness or laziness. When in fact, we had it all,all the time. It is a matter of shifting perspective and just maintaining what we cherish with what tools we have. I have roof over my head,i am able to provide with the odd career I have. How lucky am I? I draw in 3d in a computer at home. They don't get to define what success is. I do.

The only way I saw that worked is the husband stays at home with the kids. It’s better for the kids and for the mother. I’ve had three female bosses and all three of them had husbands who worked part time or SAHD

Does your husband feel burnt out too?

We’re roughly in the same situation. We make about the same and are both burnt out. I’m having the Sunday scaries as I’m writing this. And this is with childcare and in-laws nearby. We both agreed we’re just going to power through for now (i.e., both try to progress in our careers and make as much money as we can now) but then one of us will need to step back, either a chiller job or leave the workforce altogether.

My kids are raised now but it gets easier as they get older but it also gets busier as they get into sports too because you have to shuffle them around all over the place. I think there are a couple things already mentioned from my experience. 1. communication with your partner because it takes teamwork for a family to function. 2. get into a rhythm. I didnt have someone to clean my house so a routine was extremely important for me. Certain days for laundry, housework, etc. Housework fell last because can always pick up here and there. Also, the kids can help a bit (picking up toys, etc. ) and more as they get older to show some responsibility. 3. Spouse needs to assist, e.g. child drops offs, MD appts, baths, etc. again teamwork for it to work so one parent doesn't resent the other in the end. 4. consider an au pere vers out of the home childcare as may be a better option for your household to assist with childcare, groceries, housework, etc.

You just do it, one foot in front of the other, figuring it out as you go. The baby stage will be over before you know it. It’s totally crazy, but it will fall into place - it’s such a huge change. Also, your spouse matters a lot. My husband and I are expert managers now and know exactly what we need to do, but that took time. At the beginning, I really resented him before we figured it out. Once that clicked, everything got more sustainable.

I have two, 7 and 9 now, and when they were little I asked a mom at our daycare how she did it - career, 5 kids. She looked at me, shrugged, and said, “you just do it.” Whenever things get tough, I tell myself that.

It took me time to figure out, but I love my groove now. I don’t do social media or TV, go to bed at 8:30, and get my time at the gym 4:30–6:30. I’m really proud of my efficiency and focus.

Life is completely different post-kids, but so worth it - it’s like a third eye. A whole bandwidth of feelings I couldn’t have imagined. It changes how you see everything. And it gets crazier the older they get - more sports schedules and homework, less night feedings and diaper bag logistics. You’ve got this!

You sound like a complainer and a real non professional, Men have this issue too, haven't you noticed. I watched my two toddlers while working as an Underwriter . 9 hours a day, in the 1997-2003 period while their mother was working nights and getting the best of it. I accepted it and didnt complain once, albeit with no sleep. I advise you quit your job, lower your expenses, and then come back when you grow up and stop feeling sorry for yourself and feel empowered by todys "Female Power" bull crap. If you aren't tough enough to do what we men have had to do for years, stay home and leave the business world alone

Yes, we'd been sold a lie, but that became apparent a couple of decades ago, so it's surprising to me that people still believe it. For my family, one of us needed to switch to part time. I have no idea how we would have done it otherwise without completely falling apart! I remain in awe of single parents.

Editing to add: if your household income is high enough, then a live-in nanny is the solution I think.

As a dad of a grown daughter, and a husband of an incredibly talented wife, I think you're wise to question this approach. Parenting is so much more than managing the tasks that can be outsourced. My heart aches for the parent who sees their child take their first steps in a video text from a daycare worker or nanny. And, as much as I love my daughter, I (and most men I'd imagine) could never have provided the same level of care when they're sick or injured. We had to sacrifice so that my wife did not have to be a stay at work mom, and she had to trust that I would stay faithful to her, work hard enough for our family, and not abandon her with a child and a resume with gaps. My wife taught our daughter to read, and decided to continue homeschooling her until the day she left for university. We never had to worry about school bullies, school lockdowns, or pedo school teachers. We enjoyed peace in parenting.
Now, as I age and some level of elder care may be considered, I hope that our daughter and her husband don't view our care as tasks that can be outsourced. Facilities can provide all the basic needs to keep humans alive, but love and human dignity are usually absent in that business model.
Similarly, parenting is so much more than keeping kids alive until they reach an easier stage to manage. My advice, simplify your life, cut your budget, be with your family as much as you can. For me, that investment is worth far more than the size of my house or 401k.

best thing I did was to stop teaching (who wants to parent 25 kids and not their own) and stay home until the last one was full time in school. of course this took quite a few years considering there are 6 kids but worth it.

Absolutely agree with your comments. This is a delicate dance, which requires frequent adjustments and corrections in order to avoid burnout or family structure collapse. Important to remember that family and family relationships come are first priority.

One of those tasks is appropriate natural and much more delightful also much more important than the other. The other task is something you convince yourself is important.

does your husband help at all? i think so many women are used to dealing with everything and are capable of doing so for a while that the husband just lets you keep doing what youve been doing. And yes, we have been sold a lie