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Give yourself grace. My son at that age had clear favorite people and it flipped and got more even as he got older. Could just be a phase and not a reflection on you or your job.
The favored parent/caregiver changes a lot, especially at that age, which is when they’re just starting to branch out into the wider world. My husband is the primary caregiver, but sometimes I was top banana for a few months, then back to him, then back to me, etc. The guilt is real, and the clinging to someone else hurts, but give it time and give yourself grace. Your baby loves you.
totally fair to be sad and 100% why I went in-house right after my son’s first birthday. see if you can take a few sporadic days off or even an afternoon or weekend and do special things just you two. Take him to an indoor play place or a park or even to coffee for you then an open field (little boys love them lol).
Pro
Great advice. My working mom did this when I was young and they are some of my favorite and earliest memories (around 3) - I felt so special.
I’m so sorry you feel this way. Haven’t edited my title here but I’m an associate now too— I think I would be looking for a less demanding job if I were in your shoes
…I’m not sure how. OP didn’t ask for any sort of recommendation or say she wasn’t willing to consider a new job. Maybe she’s looking for validation in considering just that.
I don’t know you but I want to give you a hug. I have a similar experience to speak of. I wasn’t brave enough to verbalize it until later. My child is now in 1st grade. It gets better. I’d be happy to tell you more and offer words of encouragement and support.
Your feelings are valid. It’s hard to see our kid “prefer” the other parent or caretaker. Are you home for bedtime? Sometimes it helps to do bedtime routine where possible. I know it’s hard to see it but this is also a season. It won’t always feel or be this way. My kid is 4.5 now and my ex husband was with her more when she was around 1/1.5 years old. She “preferred” him more then and I didn’t force her or anything. The shift happened naturally at some point and the she wanted only me for bedtime. Her dad and I separated a year and a half ago and she lives with me so I handle it all now so she’s very attached to me - so it’s a different situation - but even before that, she flip flopped on the preferred parent and I think it’s very natural.
Chief
Prioritize your child. What you’re describing is a recipe for an attachment disorder. Kids need their moms.
(and dads—this would be similarly gut wrenching if OP were a dad too)
Pro
Very much agree with this. I suffered developmentally due to the absence of my mother as an infant and it’s really making my life hell now trying to manage the mental health issues that stem from it. There’s lots of great resources on brain development in the first years and how mother-child bonding impacts it.
Take pictures of yourself smiling and get them printed out—tape them to the fridge or the baby’s play area. Your family can point and smile at Mommy! This helps!
Print out a photo of your baby smiling at you too, and carry it with you in your handbag. I highly recommend this.
It makes so much sense that you want to spend more time with your child and that does sound really heartbreaking. It does make sense to try and work remotely since that will give you more time together. But you also will have more time to bond with your child. Your kid is still a toddler. Your kid is not going to end up with attachment disorder just because you work or even because you work a lot. There are a lot of factors there. Some of the best and most secure people I know were raised by two big law lawyers with a dedicated nanny.
Are you me? I struggle with this too and it kills me. My son does seem to flip but often it’s dads that he wants. Putting him to bed as much as I can has helped as well as going on adventures but I’m probably his third favorite person (nanny and dada) and it kinda kills me so you are not alone.
Big law, just made partner. I feel your pain. My husband is the preferred caregiver and I have gotten really upset about this. But can you try to do dinner and/or bed time nightly and work after? That’s what I have to do. Be present when you’re with him. Try to be as playful as possible (I’ve learned this is what boys this age relate to). It’s hard. Especially for someone who loves their work as much as I do. But try to force it even when your gut is to run the other way.
Toddlers definitely go through phases with this. My husband was the preferred parent until my kiddo hit 2.5 and now it’s been “I only ever want Mommy” for the last four months. You’re doing a great job, he’ll come around.
Pro
You're not alone! I only have a 6month old and my husband is full time caregiver staying at home with her, so it's hard when it feels like she doesn't want me. I work from home fully remotely and that helps me be present with her during the day for feedings even if I miss everything else. If you want more time with your son you might see if that's an option, even short term or a few days a week might help so that you get even more time together instead of commuting.
Not close with you? He's 1.5. he's probably not even very verbal yet so it's probably quite hard to tell. As a child I hated being hugged or close with anyone unless I was sick, so maybe he's just an independent first born 😂
Ok well this put absolutely everything into perspective and you should lead with all of that! Congratulations for making to the other side of a clearly common situation and finding an approach to Big Law that works for you. I agree that adopting an antifamily culture shouldn’t be normalized, but we have to help people find the light at the end of the tunnel with our similar experiences. For me it was the financial implications that weighed on me leading up to my personal switch but I made the leap. I personally feel that when you decide and make that change (whatever that may be) and know in your heart it’s the only way to achieve what’s most beneficial for your family and well-being, the parachute appears.
Talk to your firm about hybrid options or reduced hours. I worked Big Law over 20 years with 3 kids, before hybrid was even a popular thing, but I negotiated to get it. We offer coaching and mentoring for parents working in Big Law now. Feel free to DM me. It’s never easy, but it’s do-able. Carve out morning or evening as “your time “ with your child”. Make it count when you have it.