My in-laws expect us to spend the entire week before Christmas at their house, but my family lives across town and wants us there too. My spouse says we should split the time evenly, but that still leaves no time for our own traditions. It's so frustrating having to figure this out every year. How do you all handle the holidays with demanding families and in-laws?

We told both our families no and moved 1,000 miles away from both. Worked out great.

Make a schedule that alternates annually and don’t give in to guilt.

We do every other year

I'll start like all the above selfish people above. Do what YOU want. But then keep in mind, this is the time of community and family, so if that is important to you then one thing on YOUR wish list would be spending time with family - evenly, you and you wife are equals/partners. Throw in other things that the both of you want to do, but keep in mind the two of you can always get some time together, spending time with family is npt always possible throughout the year. The mpst valuable thing in life are people and relationships. People in the wester societies focus too much on themselves, which is not aligned with human nature, we are social beings. We'd have less suicide, therapy sessions etc. if we embraced that more. Only my opinion, do what you want with it and Merry Christmas.

I just stay home at my own house and tell them to come to us

We do Christmas eve with my in laws, Christmas morning/day at home, and Christmas dinner with my family.

Planning on this as long as humanly possible. 17 years success so far.

Yeah we decided on what we wanted in advance, added time for rest, and realized that it wasn’t worth visiting family this year. Would be more of a drain than anything else. You can ask if they’d want to come to you (which may not be likely), but ultimately after a while there’s no perfect transition from being the ones who always travel/visit others to having time for yourself. It will be weird not seeing my mom for Christmas this year…but we’ll get over it lol. It’s exhausting

Move

The above in-law suicide, the point is both you and your in-laws should focus on each other, making each other happy and not wanting to commit suicide by pushing own agenda all the time. At the end, you picked your in-laws, you could have walked away.

Setting boundaries. It’s tough and easier said than done. Just telling them that you wont be traveling this year because you want to have your own traditions with your family and have your own Christmas.

Alternatively, tell one side that they get Christmas, and the other gets Thanksgiving and they switch every year.

Give them either Thanksgiving or Christmas and flip flop. Otherwise, alternate Thanksgiving and keep Christmas for your own immediate family. My partner’s siblings follow the second option so we adopted that too. The siblings and their partners are happily married ranging from 12-20+ years and have close relationships with both sides of the family. We are happily married for 13 years and counting. We are close with both sides of the family and it even extends to the next level of aunt/uncle and cousins relationships. We have 2 WhatsApp/text groups of 20+ people to coordinate rotating thanksgiving hosting duties and potluck of sides. Christmas gifts get sent directly to people’s homes. Whomever is free gets invited to a Christmas meal where there’s no obligation, just show up and bring something if free.

Rotate every year & always make time to see the other family we didn't have lunch with.

Is there some reason you're not able to have your traditions while away from "Home base?" If you're staying at the homes of others maybe find a bed and breakfast or Air bnb instead and stay there so you have a space that is just dedicated to the 2 of you. I'm sure your families don't need you in their face 24/7 and would completely understand you going off to do your own celebration things. Just speak up. It's your life. Quit letting everyone else dictate how you live it or you're never going to find the balance you need.

We got married and now it’s our family traditions. We decide. And they can show up or not. With a grandchild now…we hold all the power!

We set clear boundaries and manage expectations while also doing what is best for us. We do every other year for each side of the family and how much time we spend with them depends on what else we have going on and how much rest we feel like we need.