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Sounds very familiar. My son is now 5 with minimal issues. However he was 3, he was the exact same way. I showed him photos of what happens when you don’t brush your teeth and that worked. You have to find what motivates him. For our son, taking away his favorite toys, rewarding him for good behavior worked. We let him wear pull-ups until 4 and still potty trained but it helped with the accidents until he had better awareness. He struggled with stopping playing to go. I read him books about hitting. I would yell sometimes too but it only escalated the situation so switched to staying calm and just taking toys. I had a big container and would start walking around picking up his favorite toys when he was bad. When he was 4 things were better and now at 5 it’s like a different child. Good luck. I know this age is tough.
I feel all of this. This is exactly where we were too. He was also an angel in pre-school and pre-K, which granted was great but it was a different story at home. Taking the toys seemed cruel at times and he would completely flip out and I would say, “I will stop taking your toys if you stop X, but you have lost these toys until tomorrow as long as you don’t do X anymore.” It was bad the first 3-4 times I did it but he quickly learned and the behavior issues stopped. I would only need to threaten or jump up and say “where is the bin?” And he would start saying “I’m sorry momma”. He would refuse to say I’m sorry during that time too. He would deliberately not say it no matter the punishment. It was the only thing that worked for us and kept the hubby from getting involved. It was a rough year. I would not want to go through the 3s again.
Oh, I've been there. After searching the internet, listening to podcasts, reading books I've concluded that my daughter has to go through this phase and I have to be sane when this ends. The most helpful thing was to remind myself every time "don't join the chaos" and "quick and clear consequences".
Hygiene was always a non-negotiable for me, screaming or not - we are washing hands, brushing teeth, tbd. It's just we do it calmly, we will have time to read 2 books before bedtime. If no - no books today.
Regulations is hard for 3 y.o. but it was also hard for me.
Another thing I noticed, it was coming and going in waves. Like she'd be struggling a lot with regulation for a few weeks, then she'd be an angel for a week, then again. Noticing this helped me shifting thinking from "she is so difficult " to "this phase is so difficult ".
Can't say my husband and I achieved zen in parenting, more often than not I'd jump in to regulate him as well. Lots of one-on-one coaching with him too.
We've finally turned the corner at 4.5. No more violent meltdowns for months!
Check out doctor becky Kennedy.
I’d recommend the book 1-2-3 Magic. I found it extremely helpful.
@VP it was difficult for my husband to transition from our son’s meltdown to playtime too. I had to keep reminding hubby that son was only 3. Just thought of another thing that worked for us too, if we were able to see the meltdown coming early enough it worked to do something silly like tickle or do a funny face. He would forget he was supposed to be mad and we could move onto doing whatever it was we were about to do (like brush his teeth). It didn’t always work but it worked more times than not and we still do this for the few times he’s on a verge of a meltdown now. I do like a “quacking” motion with my hand and then would tickle him. Now I can just do the motion and get a smile or a laugh without actually tickling him.
Concur with the tips others have shared! There may be other issues in play. Bath time and brushing teeth were a big problem in my house. No amount of positive reinforcement would work. It turned out that my daughter has an anxiety disorder and autism. I hope you just need to find the right motivator (i.e., maybe gummy bears instead of M&Ms). Good luck!
Plenty of solid advice already given. I now have teens but just coming to say the parents that didn’t let their kids lose it and freak out and experience disappointment now have the biggest assholes as kids. Hang in there. It’s rough but necessary.