Should your spouse tell you if they are drinking or getting high? Should you care? Should you care if you have kids?

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OP, that is classic gaslighting. If he is hiding bottles he knows that what he is doing has crossed the line into substance abuse. I recommend contacting Al-anon to get some support. Big hugs and I am so sorry you have to deal with this on top of everything else.

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It’s not ok. Don’t let him convince you that your gut is wrong.

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Sending best wishes for inner strength.

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I'm sorry you're dealing with this. I would be upset and concerned in this situation, too. I hope you are able to work it out or find support. "Should you care"? Especially when your kids are involved? Of course. That's not a shortcoming.

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This is a tough scenario and I’m sorry you’re going through it. I recommend speaking with a therapist for advice on how to approach the situation. The sneakiness is concerning and it does sound like he has a dependency.

Good luck!

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‘Where there’s secrets, there’s shame.’ Heard that from my therapist when I finally started speaking to someone about what my husband and I were going through. I second the commenter who said you are being gaslit. You are not in the wrong here. Listen to the voice in your head and your gut. If you suspect something is wrong, there is. Yourself and your kids come first. ❤️

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How much Id care/feel the need to know would somewhat depend on circumstance, but in general I would be bothered if I discovered my spouse was hiding use of substances/I was put in a situation where I realized they were under the influence and hadn't told me. I think that's true regardless, but parents should be aligned on boundaries of substance use around children, and I'd also want to be able to trust my spouse was being reasonably responsible even when away from us. Regardless of whether you're actually overreacting in your specific scenario, if it bothers you, it's an issue worth discussing. If your spouse is minimizing your feelings or telling you that you shouldn't care, and isnt willing to talk through it to share what's going on/find a solution to make you more comfortable/adjust behavior, at best they're disrespecting your feelings, at worst they're gaslighting you. I *do* think parents can go out and have a good time responsibly and I don't need to know every detail when my spouse comes home; I trust him. But again, if I did feel uncomfortable or felt like there was a red flag somewhere, I'd want to talk about it and expect my spouse to listen and want to find a resolution. And that's completely reasonable.

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Hiding alcohol bottles and refilling bottles with other liquids is textbook alcoholic behavior.

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Absolutely. So sorry you’re in this situation.

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