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You’re not alone. My grandmother always used to say: “little kids, little problems. Big kids, big problems.”
I feel your pain, word to word. There are time my fights with my kids feel more painful than the ones I have with my partner. Just feels like they're always against you when all you're trying to do is be there for them in the best way. Give them some space and grace -they're teens running on hormones they're not familiar with. Be the kindest you can be and let this phase ride out. You'll be fine, just make sure you're protecting your happiness and sanity.
I’ve read some articles that claim the kids are naturally breaking away from their parents to prepare them to be adults and on their own (and hopefully not living in our basement as adults - ha) but gosh why the heck do they need to be so damn mean? It’s so so so so so so hard.
One of my favorite pieces of advice is trying not to escalate arguments. Responses like “that was hurtful” or “would you like to rephrase that” or “let’s discuss this when you’re ready to speak to me in a nicer tone” have worked with my teenager but I’m admittedly not perfect and stumble through these interactions. I will say I’m pretty good at debriefing with my teenager when things have calmed down and openly apologized for my reaction/tone/responses. That opens me up to showing I’m not perfect and I make mistakes which usually gives them the opportunity to apologize or analyze their own behavior from the moment of conflict.
It’s still flippin’ hard!
I don't know how old yours are. My oldest is 14, so I guess I'm just getting into teenage years. He definitely puts up a fight with us at home more than I'd like. In fact, he sucker punched his 11-year-old brother in the back the other night because he'd been making fun of him. I try really hard to remember that (1) he's super hormonal, (2) he's figuring out life, (3) he's testing limits - same as 3-year-olds do, but bigger. For physical violence, I did yell at him and take his phone away for a bit, but later we had a good talk. He needs to figure out life. I told him that we all need to decide what our un-crossable lines are - physical violence has to be one of those lines (unless you're being attacked in a dark alley obviously), but instead of casting him as a bad kid, I try to take the approach of teaching him and guiding him. Sometimes I turn it around on him and ask if he'd talk to his teachers or friends how he talks to us and he looks offended and says of course not. It's because he's figuring it out. He knows what won't fly in public, but he's testing his boundaries at home. I'm sure there's much more adventure awaiting me in the next 6 years. And bigger issues that I don't know are coming. But my plan is to always keep my foundation in loving him. In seeing him as a kid who is still molding who he is. And making sure, above all else, that he knows I love him.
I wish my mom fought for me instead of with me.