Has anyone here grappled with your career not being seen as important to your partner or their family?

I’m in a long distance relationship, and I’m expected to move to him even though I make almost triple his salary and my job is hybrid so I’m require to stay here. He and his family are well aware I had to move across the country for the position, and his smaller city doesn’t have almost anything for my career.

(Cont’ in comments)

I think you need to find someone who will support you fully and is on your level. Life is short, and unless your partner is 100% in your corner, you’ll never know who you could become if they were not holding you back with conservative gender role expectations. I dated a musician for 4 years and got zero promotions, etc. When I met my (now) husband 10 years ago he was at PWC and I was in my corporate job. He encouraged me to push for a role at GE, I pivoted to consulting, he moved to NY with me so I could network with the higher ups, then he moved to Chicago for my career when a client hired me, and now he’s taking the lead on running our 2 rental properties. I make $350k, he makes $150k, but he meets me where I need to be met and he contributes soooo much to our shared life. Prioritize your goals and building the life you want. If he can fit into it great. If not, you’ll find someone who can.

My wife and kids don't care one iota about the company I work for or the title I hold, what they care about is how I show up at home/school/vacation.

It would take significant upside for my wife to even consider making another move at this point, though it's worth pointing out that we did move twice, once to be closer to family, and a second time for significant career growth.

What I am seeing in your situation OP, is that you both have placd a higher priority on your own career than each other, which is ok. People gro out of relationships every day. My suggestion would be to end the relationship, and tiu both should take in what it's like to live and work without the other. Over time it will become clear that the break up was either imminent or needed to show one or both of you that the relationship is more important than the how or where, and you come together to figure it out.

I struggle with this a lot. I work in human resources, my husband is a surgeon. I feel like the expectation is that I will always drop whatever career I have if he wants or needs to move for his. As if his accomplishments are automatically more important than mine, despite a decade in the industry. I do really think that it is something you need to work out with your partner, and you need to express your feelings or else you'll start to build up resentment.

There’s several red flags 🚩

1) the families should have little input on where you live. Ironically they live in your city so what’s the issue?

2) sounds like they are both stuck in traditional gender roles

3] He’s not settled into a career at this point. He’s not thinking what’s in the best interest of the partnership. Heck he could live off your salary while he finds himself or at least a new job. You could not do the same

Listen to your gut and see the red flags 🚩

In short don’t give up your career to move

Don't do it. Move on to something with less complications. If you already have these doubts and complications up front, trust me, it will get worse with time, not better. If you move and lose your career/salary, you will resent it -- maybe not immediately, but once the romance wears off (and it will, don't let anyone kid you) hard realities will be more important than feelings. If you're posting this question, your gut is already telling you the answer.

This is unfortunate. I am sorry you have to grow through this. I used grow because you will learn a lesson at the end. Creative, this is really a choice you have to make. If you are feeling devalued now, I only see that turning into a hidden or outward resentment later. If you are in a career your love, doing something that you are passionate about, then that is what I would fight for. BUT - I throw caution as companies are NOT our families and will drop you in a heartbeat if financial situations change. Since it's a 50/50 chance if love will last anyway, adding a fresh resentment about a career change will fester. If the company truly values you, see if you can work out a remote opportunity. Long distance is also going to end that relationship at some point.

Your first mistake was assuming he would move to where you are. You say he isn’t prioritizing your career but it sounds like you are not prioritizing his and the way you describe his job sounds very dismissive and degrading.

Depending on town 60k could be an ok living. and if he likes it there he may rather have that then your 180k salary. Nothing wrong with that but sounds like your career is important to you. To your point a distance relationship isn’t ideal especially long term so it sounds like you both need to have an adult conversation since it sounds like you’re not happy with an ongoing distance relationship. So the 2 options are one of you make a sacrifice in your career for the relationship or both accept that you want different things and move on. And there really isn’t a right answer but more of you two being aligned on what a life together will look like if you’re both serious about the relationship.

We were living in NYC with our elementary and middle school kids (we grew up here, our family and friends are all here) when my wife was approached to create a new program from the ground up. She described it as her "dream job". I said "great - where is it?" She told me it was in Kalamazoo ! I thought she was joking, but it was no joke. When I knew that she was sure, I had no problem with moving, and became the house-husband, packing lunches and attending school functions. Unfortunately, after four years, the dream job turned into a nightmare, and we moved back to the East Coast.

No way! That’s heart breaking as I have a best friend who earned her career and owned it like a rock star. Her husband landed an engineering job three states away so he was moving the family to the city of his new job. She , his wife resigned and joined her families move. She loved her job and was making bank. Her husbands job
lasted two years their marriage 5 before he passed away. She remarried and bought a horse ranch in California where she works remote, cars for her horses and rides occasionally plus she cares for her now aging husband.

My perspective may be old fashioned for some but the premise is still the same. You aren't married nor are you engaged. You only mention that you finally found someone who you could have a family with. You mentioned that moving to where he is would impact you financially and also your ability to raise a family the way you want. It seems like a major sacrifice for a maybe. It also seems like a major sacrifice for your future kids. A man who truly wants to be with you and have a family with you will sacrifice with you. He has the flexibility to move but wants the status quo. I feel like you are giving up more than you should for this relationship by moving. If his parents were ill, if he had children, or some other significant obligation would make sense. I just haven't heart anything that he's done to put you first otherwise you would have mentioned it. I just don't see the positive long term. You are making moves and doing what it takes to grow as a person. He simply is not. I unfortunately sense a mismatch but don't know your relationship. It doesn't mean he's a bad person. People in your life can hold you back or elevate you. I recommend you talk to a relationship/personal counselor and older male mentors or family members who have your best interest at heart. Good luck.

CONT: I’m just shocked to hear anyone argue that I should be the one to move, especially if my salary and benefits will be supporting our future family.

Anyone else deal with a similar issue? Am I being too previous about my career?

What should be prioritized when making this decision of who moves and why? Really in need of some new perspectives

What do you feel in your heart?

I have definitely been there. My husbands family used to ask me when I was getting a real job as though the one I had wasn't a "real job." It drove me insane but now I just ignore it. It honestly isn't worth it.

Find you 1 release your stress see how you feel and think about it. Long distance relationships can get real heavy.

Your partner is anything but. I'm sure there are other ways in which they undervalue you and your needs. Would you follow an employer that treated you this way? Please don't plant yourself where you won't be able to grow, just because someone else likes the shade.

Depends. If your salary equals the same as his salary based on location - then it doesn’t matter to me. If your goal is to grow in that company, then you both have to talk about it. I love conservative values. But it depends on your and your future spouse’s goals together. I have 2 cousins who got their degrees and worked making over $100k+. Know what they’re doing now? They chose to be stay at home moms. They’re very happy! So depends on your goals. If it doesn’t align, maybe have that difficult conversation. Hope you two can come to a conclusion. If not, you don’t want to be stuck with someone AND their family who disregard you.

Personally, I do not put my work or a career over my family. It would depend on the relationship, length of relationship etc. Are you engaged? Have you had an open heart to heartconversation with him? Is he the one" If you are not serious about the relationship then I would not go and I also would break it off because what is the point. If you are engaged or you trust this relationship and you know he is the one the Yes I would go in a minue. Life is more than work, if things don't work then you can always go back if you leave with proper notice and are liked. So nothing to loose by going but if you don't go you lose him and the life you have built together. Afterall, it is only a job! Jobs can be replaced, people can not.

Sorry, but this relationship has a huge fracture in it already. It's best to move on and find someone more compatible with your own values. Trust me. I did some moves for the other person and they were huge regrets. If they truly love you and want to share your life, then they will move heaven and earth to make that possible to be with you. Not the other way around. Plus it's just common sense that the other person seems to lack due to his request of you moving to a small town. It will hurt to leave him but in the long run you will be so thankful you doged that bullet. Don't lose yourself in someone else because you will be miserable. You can do it. All the best