How do you de-escalate a snippy email without escalating the conflict? Few things spike my blood pressure faster than an email that starts with “per my last note…” It’s passive-aggressive, condescending, and instantly turns a small issue into a power struggle. I want to respond professionally, but my first instinct is to fire back. Navigating tone in writing feels harder than the legal work sometimes.

Grow thicker skin? Such a small thing to lose your head over.

The best response is to not even entertain snarky emails / stupid comments.

I think written tone is easy to misread, as we’re not designed to communicate without facial expression and body language to help interpret intent. While phrasing like “per my last note” often lands as passive-aggressive, it isn’t always intended that way. Sometimes it reflects frustration when a point hasn’t been addressed or an issue remains unresolved. Before responding, it can help to re-read the prior exchange — both messages — and consider whether something may have been missed. Our reactions are often shaped by context and headspace as much as by the words themselves, and keeping that in mind can make de-escalation easier.

If the "per my last note" comment is implying that they are pissed because they feel you didn't do something you should have, then consider whether this is 1) actually the case and you should have done it, 2) actually the case and you shouldn't have done it, and 3) not actually the case.

If 1), own up to it in brief words, validating the person's legitimate reason to be frustrated and offer to remedy the situation and get any clarification you still need. This makes you seem like a rational person who admits fault and validates the other person's perspective while offering to do better.

"Sorry, I didn't understand you meant X; I thought you meant Y. I'll work on that right now."

If this happens to you a lot, then either you have a general communication challenge you need to work on, get mentoring, and change your approach, or it's just this person's communication that is not aligned with yours. Examples for improving things in both scenarios include communicating in person or following up with a phone call or email to confirm your understanding of what the first email said was correct).

If 2), then you can acknowledge the person's frustration, then clarify your understanding of what you believed your role should have been (which could have been that you were not to be involved at all), and what the situation is or necessitated and why you you disagree on the approach or view, in a non-snippy, respectful way.

"Yes, I understood you meant X, but I am not involved because of Z. My understanding is that the situation involves doing Y (and/or includes person A instead) because of Z. Perhaps I should have followed up or communicated on that better / faster. While I am really busy right now, how about I help by doing C?".

The "C" could be as minimally intrusive as you offering to copy in / forward the email / have a 30 second chat with the actual person who can assist your passive-aggressive, annoyed interlocutor. Even if they're the one that messed up and assumed you were the right person for something, and they are acting wrongfully snippy about it and it's not your job or your area of knowledge at all, you can defuse the situation by indirectly correcting the person's misunderstanding without pointing fingers / making them lose face and offering to even assist them to get what they believe they need in that situation without your doing more than you are supposed to either generally or in that specific circumstance. You appear magnanimous and forgiving in the face of the other person's misunderstanding coated with unjust annoyance.

If 3), then you can acknowledge the person's frustration, then clarify your understanding of what the situation is or necessitated and why you you disagree on the approach or view, in a non-snippy, respectful way. And then offer a resolution to the disagreement of the view or approach that you ask if the other person can agree with.

"Yes, I understood you meant X, but the situation requires Y because Z. What do you think about trying Y or then maybe even B?" (this can be a short email to leave a paper trail, but can be followed by a quick follow-up office pop-by or phone call to add some relational WD-40 to the gears of that particular relationship which keyboard warrioring doesn't do and can even make worse behind the shield of both parties' respective screens).

All of the above can be very short and tailored appropriately for each circumstance, and, instead of an email, can be a phone call or an in person 30-second chat at the office's door frame or when crossing each other in the hall. They are not meant to be over-orchestrated responses. Instant message replies via Teams, Slack, or such tools for this kind of response should generally be avoided because the "paper trail" they leave is harder to document and easily file and access than an email if things escalate.

All of the above also assumes you are dealing with a normal person. If the person is a malignant narcissist, then the above won't work. They are not operating in good faith, and the recommended approach is to minimize or entirely remove contact with such an individual / remove yourself from the individual's orbit to preserve your sanity (malignant narcissists inherently recognize each other and know how to operate with each other, so the fact that you are asking for advice indicates you are a normal person with normal mental and behavioral development - if the person gaslights you, does pirouettes in logic no matter what you say or do, then faced with such a malignant narcissist, a normal person will not maintain their sanity by trying and should work to no longer ever have to interact with that person again, which can require personal sacrifice like changing jobs, and/or can be extremely difficult when the malignant narcissist is someone close such as a spouse/partner or a parent).

Pretend not to notice that it’s snippy.

Call them

Say “Understood.” Make sure to add the period

My first instinct is also to fire back. Once I take a breather, I decide that I will not dignify their rudeness with a response so I don’t address it. My response is either as short as possible or kind and professional. Either something like “Understood.” Or “Received.”; or something like “Thank you for following up.”

Similarly, I avoid apologizing in emails and instead thank people. It maintains a friendly tone and acknowledges some social debt but makes you look in control. Like “thank you for your patience” instead of “sorry I’m late;” or “thank you for following up” instead of “I’m sorry I took so long to reply;” or “thank you for the clarification” instead of “I’m sorry I missed that.” When used in response to snippy emails, it also helps to defang the other person. Get ‘em with kindness.

Walk away and forget about it.

Ignore the snark and professionally and accurately respond.

Being extra nice usually makes the jerk look like an even bigger jerk than they initially did in my experience - though I’m from the South, and the “bless your heart” vibe is likely straight over the heads of many of the fancy big law, big city folks who are often opposing counsel. I don’t take anything personally (unless abusive - then I call it), and I move on with life.

Planting seeds by being gracious makes my days easier and more meaningful. Occasionally, folks have inquired how I am able to do that, and then I share. Those rare instances make ignoring meanness very worth it, as it can be life changing in the best possible way when it’s the right time for the person who is perplexed by it and inquires.

Try: “I am sorry. I missed your message and didn’t actually read your answer before asking my question again.”

Or: “I saw your message, but it is answering a different question than what I really want to know. Let’s have a call and figure out the disconnect.”

If “per my last note” is upsetting you’d hate to see my emails coming 🤣

If navigating tone in writing feels hard, then work on your writing. It’s the only way to work through your knee-jerk thoughts/responses to come out ahead of them rather than letting yourself be affected by them.

I skimmed through all the commentary about the issue. You are all right in one facet or another. I suggest this; When is a good time to call or meet to give me insight on what needs to be done...

There is a reason we have multiple modes of communication. I acknowledge that email is hands down efficient. It is not effective when the thought or message is not received correctly. Call or make time to face to face a resolution. The goal here is to build an alliance, not opposition.

Why is “per my last note” offensive? To me, it’s just a reference to a prior discussion so it doesn’t have to be repeated.