Husband hates my job and I’m not sure what to do. I’m up for partnership this year (M&A) so I’ve been working a lot and not able to take vacation etc. I want the title and while it’s been very tough and stressful, I enjoy what I do. Recently, my husband is complaining a lot about how unpredictable my schedule is and that we can’t plan anything, even dinner for our anniversary. I feel really bad but also just wish he’d be more supportive as I try to achieve this milestone. Any thought or advice?

If you’re not willing to carve out time even for an anniversary dinner, your husband’s complaints probably have some merit. What are some things you do to show that he and your relationship are important to you?

Hey I was in a similar situation (also M&A and also up for partner). I resigned and took a different position with much lighter workload. Result is partner still complains about my job plus now complains that I’m making less money. Hope you find a solution because my approach, while very well intentioned, seems to have made things worse instead of better.

This is a tough situation and he is likely feeling that he is no longer the most important in your life. Surely you can take a few minutes to send him a text message during the day, or a card, or an email telling him that you miss him, that you will see him for dinner or whatever. I get where you’re coming from and have been there on trying to reach a milestone like partnership when you are working constantly and barely have enough time to sleep eat and take a shower. That said, if you want to save your marriage and you want him to be more supportive than you need to find some time for him.

I’m not suggesting that he does not need to be supportive of you reaching this milestone. But in order to develop that support from him, he needs to see that it is beneficial for him/the two of you as a couple. Did he not want you to make partner to begin with? Does he understand that this means that you will likely receive more money? Are you in a situation where making more money is not important? Is he concerned that you will never have time to have a family and that is something you had previously planned? No matter how busy you are you need to take a few minutes, even if it is added obligations in your mind, to recognize him in little ways. Send him a surprise care package when you’re not going to be able to be there with him, such as a bottle of his favorite alcohol, maybe cookies or fruit. Does he smoke cigars? Send him his favorite cigars. Does he play golf, send him a gift card to the golf course. Does he play tennis or pickle ball? Send him a new racket or arrange a time for him to take lessons with a pro.

The point is it sounds to me like he needs to know that he is still the most important person in your life and that you care about him more than you care about the job. Then sit down and have a conversation with him about the demands of the job and the goal of your job. That conversation needs to be about what this means for you as a couple. You should not focus on how much you are doing or how tired you are. Yes those things are absolutely true and should be recognized but right now he needs to feel like you still care about making your relationship the priority.

I just want tell you that YOU are not sacrificing your marriage if your husband is not capable of supporting you through a year or so that’s difficult. he doesn’t have to be happy about it, but piling more stress onto you at an already stressful time is his choice. Deciding that you working a lot means he’s not important to you—that’s his choice.

Many of the people on here imploring you to focus on your marriage would be telling a wife in his position that they need to support their husband because he is supporting their family, after all. Don’t believe the hype

I think most would be out of our depth. At my prior firm there was a saying that you had to be divorced at least once in order to be eligible for partner. With that said, maybe try to create more boundaries, even if they’re small, so that your husband can feel important.

I’m sorry. Many guys are still absolute cave men when it comes to actually being supportive (and not just doing lip service).

This is gross and not what most women want to hear but it may help for him to understand what your “partner money” may look like in the next 5-10 years. If he’s an “I provide for my family guy” and the reality is that you can expect to earn multiples of what he can he’s going to have to take a few weeks and come to terms with the economically rational behavior— which is being a great partner.

Obviously we all hope this is not what our partners need in order to be supportive but it does get you to the right outcome.

Tough situation here trying to balance career aspirations with marital obligations. Maybe have a short talk with him to let him know how the title is important and how you can parlay that into the next role that might not be as demanding. But look at it from his point of view and give him his rights as your hubs. He needs to feel valued and as important or not more important than your work.

Sounds like he still loves you and really needs your attention. Don’t miss these cues and sacrifice your marriage. Hold on to that man. Life is hard enough and we all need the support of a good partner. Hope it all works and praying for the best for you.

I think you need to have a sit down where you plan your future together.

How much $ do the 2 of you want? What lifestyle/standard of living do you envision?

Do you want kids?

Do you have travel or other goals?

I think you need to candidly discuss how both of your careers, and other personal commitments, fit into your plan for your lives together. If it turns out that you have financial goals that your job is a big part of helping you to meet, there may be more buy-in from your spouse. If he wants a different lifestyle and standard of living that is all compatible with work taking a back seat, that would be good to understand. Of course, it’s totally fair for you to explain to him that making partner is one of your life goals, and it’s really important to you that he support you in that. You never know how this conversation could shake out, maybe he actually wants to be a house husband, and just needs to understand that supporting you is part of making that equation work. My spouse ended up being very fine with me making 6 times as much money as him, and him being home mostly with our kids. I don’t care for much of the drudgery of housework. So, it all works out for us.

Definitely don’t have kids with this guy until you get aligned though.

I don’t have a solution for you. Just solidarity. I left biglaw to spend more time being a wife and mom. My husband always tells me that I “did this because I wanted it” and simply cannot comprehend anything else. It’s tough out there.

Did this behavior really start this year? Or is this how you prioritize work and family/relationships generally and this year is just the worst of it? Big law always makes everything feel urgent all the time. They always make you feel like you can’t say no. I see plenty of attorneys do too much, not make time for family, get burnt out, and get divorced. It sounds like you are demanding multiple sacrifices from your spouse to reach a goal that you could very likely still reach without every sacrifice. Do you have a mentor or someone you trust that could help with perspective? Is your team so small that no one could cover even for a dinner? If you are actually making partner, your body of work over the years should speak for itself. A night off or even a long weekend trip is not going to undo a business case years in the making. And what happens if, despite every sacrifice, you don’t make it anyway? More sacrifice? I wish you the best in achieving your milestone, but the decision has probably already been made. For those saying that no one would give this advice to a man, I would. Someone should have given it to my ex-husband. Even loving, supportive spouses only put up with neglect for so long.

Quit your job. It’s less important than your husband.

Marry me. You sound amazing. (Not helpful, I know.)