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Why are relationships so difficult!!!
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Rising Star
You’re dating, if you ask her out, you pay. If she asks you out, she pays. If you want to be more frugal then pick cheaper dates. Have more dinners at your place, or say you’ll bring the wine and dessert to hers if she makes dinner. This is how you set relationship expectations- early on in dating. If you’re not talking finances and lifestyle expectations now, when do expect to do that?
im not going to do that and beat around the bush. i let it play out initially because I believe it would fix itself. it did not, so i spoke to her and was direct. I am a direct person unless something is common sense. no offense but if i said any of that bs she would see right through it. I think i am just going to have another talk with her plus start sending venmo requests on the spot.
Assuming it’s serious and you two are headed towards marriage, set a monthly budget and go through spending once a month. Could be a good eye opener to see how you’ll work together to manage finances later on down the road
too soon for that. its been less than a year together. she would not be willing to go through spending and neither would i at this stage. i see your pov though
Conversation Starter
After reading the above, I feel like it’s not really a $ issue for you, but rather an effort issue. A different approach would be starting off a conversation with something along the lines of “it would be really nice for me if you took me out on a special date you plan.” That could open up the conversation of what would be nice for you, and it would be up to her to decide if she wanted to do those things for you
How long have y’all been together? What are the things you let slide? How much does she make vs you? Does she put more efforts/time/money on other things?
To be fair, I don’t think 50/50 really works in a long term committed relationship. 50/50 makes sense during the early phase of dating. Personally I think the right approach is 100/100 where both parties do the best they can for all aspects in life, and sometimes your best might be more than mine, and vice versa. Let’s say if the wife takes short term disability for pregnancy or the couple makes the decision together for the wife to take additional unpaid leave. It works the same if the genders are reversed. However, people generally assume women are the ones taking more responsibilities at home and sacrifice their career for the men to focus on making more money, so people are quick to jump to the conclusion that men that want 50/50 are a-hole. A couple should be together as a team, it’s us against the world, not you against me.
This feels like values misalignment. For you: It sounds like money management will always be a top value for you, which is not a bad thing. For her: It sounds like being financially taken care of is a value for her - also not a bad thing. For both parties: It sounds like neither of you have had that discussion regarding expectations and it prob should happen relatively soon. I’d suggest starting with a check-in on how you’re both feeling regarding the progression of your relationship and what you envision for the new year. Women love vision boards, so setting those goals together (non-financial and financial) is a great way to *slowly* introduce the topic of more equality. Emphasis on slowly bc you can def come off as [insert whatever stereotype]. Regardless, I’ll add that I’m not sure it should be 50/50 because statistically speaking, you will always be more likely to make the most money in the relationship. Hope that helps!
Rising Star
Even though you have only been dating 7 months, have you guys talked about living together and what your long term plans are? Based on your replies, if you're already spending most of your time at your house and she's not contributing financially to dates nor to any work around your house, I don't know that she is a good long term prospect as this will most likely only get worse after you live together. You need to have convos about how you're going to do things long term, if you see a future with her. Agree on things ahead of time- ask her to pay for both of your meals every third time you go out (or whatever cadence you feel comfortable with).
We have not talked about living together. We have already both agreed that we would need to date for >1 year in order to talk about that.
I've been pretty clear with her.
If we both want to do something that involves a decent amount of money, we are splitting that. If we are getting coffee or a drink, I'm not expecting a venmo. If we run up a bar tab for $160, expect a venmo coming. Here and then it is healthy to both go out to a nice dinner and one of us offers to get it. but i do not want to or intend to keep an actual score. I just want her consider me here and there.
Rising Star
You can also bring up that you’d like to start saving for a vacation together - and ask to talk about what that would look like for each of you. Do you agree to each put in $X to a new joint savings account? Do you buy your own airfares and split the room up front? Do you add up all the expenses and split the cost at the end? Do you want to go for four days and each of you picks two days to plan for 100% or plan together?
We have talked about that. For that, I would never cover unless I surprised her with a flight. Thanks for bringing this subject up but we wouldn't have an issue here. We would just split everything. It's a vacay and a lot of $.
Rising Star
Don’t take her out until the previous venmo request has been paid for. Without any motivation or consequences, she won’t want to pay her half because who likes paying money
Dang! Before you go data analysis on this, maybe try this crazy behavioral science-ish idea.
Tell her that you miss cooking at home and getting cozy as the weather gets cold (😁) actually start cooking meals together while playing music and shaking some booties.
Then next time before you go out, cheerfully say you know what? I’ll take the check if you buy groceries. She’ll say “sure!” The next day comes, ask her, “babe, can you please order groceries, we need XYZ and I want some [your favorite snack]! 🥰”
If she does not order the grocers then I’d get serious!
Start a joint bank account where both of you can feed into it for any “entertainment”/ going out expenditure. This way you can use the joint account for certain expenses and it avoids the need for awkward Venmo requests.