I knew most marriages struggle after kids, but presumably most people overcome it enough to keep having more kids… how do you do it? How did you keep from hating your spouse after having children? My spouse isn’t abusive and is an involved parent but our marriage seems to be hanging on by a thread and I don’t know how to fix it. The love and friendship feel gone.

Parenthood is hard. And when you are trying to be good at it (which I assume many of us are), it's even harder. I don't know if it's the case for all families, but I know for my spouse and I it really highlights our own issues. Things we didn't know about ourselves or each other have come to light, and it definitely impacts how we feel about each other.

I'm sorry you are struggling. It's taken a lot of years, but my spouse and I work to keep our issues with and resulting from parenthood separate from our marriage. The way we see it, we will be parents of these children together the rest of our lives but the marriage was and will always be a choice, and something that requires more work with obstacles like parenthood trying to get in the way.

We have been married 20 years and our oldest kid is 10.

I’d say a few things. These are general since I don’t know what your spouse is actually doing.

First, you accept that there will be plenty of days that you don’t like this person. Some days are good, some are bad, and some are really bad. Life isn’t a fairy tale.

Second, marriage is something you work at. It’s a daily decision to choose this person.

Third, with very very very few exceptions, the only way I leave is in a box. This is for life, regardless of how I might feel on a particular day, week, or month. It’s not something I’m part of so long as I’m happy or until a better deal comes along.

Yes, expecting another one soon in fact.

Long story short, plenty of communication and forgiveness, you are both under stress and need to be a team. Also share the load, I'm the man in the house but if my wife has to plan everything and think about our day to day admin by herself, that's not fair. I have to step in, even if I'm not as good, practice makes perfect.

The rest you just play by ear I guess, intimacy doesn't have to be sex either, sometimes a well placed cuddle or flirtatious whatever can be helpful.

Hang in there, hope you guys work it out.

What did you two used to have in the past and no longer have? How do you reconcile the gap? How soon after having kids did you notice the changes? How does he (it sounds like you’re talking about your husband) participate in the kids routines?

How old is your child? I think that first year is really difficult for most marriages. It definitely was for mine, I have a wonderful husband too but I had a pregnancy complications, a traumatic birth, and virtually no other female support postpartum and it definitely put a strain on things. We started aiming to hire a sitter and go out by ourselves about once a month, and that helped a lot. I also have done a lot of therapy to address my own trauma so I’m not putting all of that on him. I’ve also tried really hard to share my feelings right away so we can address things instead of letting them fester until they turn into resentment. Hang in there, best of luck!

What steps have you taken to fix?