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My first question is how could someone's spouse spend 40 grand in a year and it would be a surprise? What on earth was being purchased? Not to sound too dramatic, but it sounds like the problems here aren't really financial. It just seems like a major betrayal to be spending that much money in secret, and paying off the debt seems like the least of the problems.
Something similar happened to me with my now husband a few years ago - it wasn’t $40K but it was significant and outside of what we generally spent / our budget.
When I found out I was furious. I paid it off out of savings, cancelled his copy of our shared credit cards and set up an appt with a couples therapist. Now I manage our money and he has a debit card and budget and he loves it. Says it takes all the guess work out of finances, which were clearly hard for him.
Before this incident he was always in and out of debt. Since then we’ve been debt free and we’ve saved enough for a down payment.
$40K is no joke - and with interest and his cavalier attitude it will become $60k, $80k before you know it. Don’t let it go on any further. Good luck!
When my partner and I disagree on finances, I shift the conversation from "this is what makes sense" to "why do you feel the need to do this?" Sometimes, it’s not just about logic but an emotional connection to money. That said, if logic and emotion weren’t getting through, I’d absolutely take credit cards out of the equation for a while and reassess.
Do you have a financial counselor? I have them delivered the message.
Cut up his credit cards
Transparency is important - maybe you need to review your cc statements regularly together
I don’t mean to sound extreme, but for me, this is financial infidelity. I had a exhusband that started doing this kind of mess and before you know it, we were in a world of trouble. I now own two homes that are fully paid off and I have zero debt. I will never go back to that lifestyle and I can imagine that you are feeling a suffocated by it. My heart goes out to you, but this is your life too. Please draw the Line.