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In a different situation, but my mom was seriously ill through most of my bridal period and not able to participate or really pay attention to most of it. I recommend substitutes, take a friend/sibling dress shopping, have a bridesmaid throw your shower, dance and walk down the aisle with your dad or important mentor. Take putting on dress photos with bridesmaids or sisters. Anything goes, and no one will question the absence (and if they do, their opinion doesn't matter). That's not to say that this will make the pain of not having your mom in your life easier - holidays and life milestones always make estranged family sting a bit more than usual in my experience - but you deserve good bridal memories and 100% can have them. My sincere apologies that so many parents suck, I'm in a similar boat and feel for you.
Thank you! I hadn’t thought about the shower part, so I will definitely ask someone else to get out ahead on that to avoid additional discomfort. Sorry you had to go come up with alternatives in your situation ❤️
Only keep something if it’s meaningful to you, not because it’s required. My mom passed away in 2003, and my wife’s dad passed away in 2005. She’s not close to her mom. We walked each other down the aisle together (with my dad in the front row). We also went wedding dress shopping together but straight friends in similar situations have just gone with bridesmaids.
People loved our wedding in spite of or maybe even because we skipped so much of the stuff that wasn’t important to us. We had no father daughter dance either, even though my dad would have been up for it.
Our photographer did not care at all. She’s done hundreds of weddings, we told her who was who. We also didn’t take a lot of formal group photos, just informal ones by getting groups together during the cocktail hour.
I know it can feel like all eyes are on you and you stick out, but I promise you don’t. You’re paying the photographer as a working professional, they’re not doing you a favor. If you set out what’s what from the start without making any individual part a big deal, they won’t either.
Echoing the others. Do what you want to do, not what tradition dictates. Love the substitute idea for showers etc. if that's important to you. Yes I would talk to vendors about expectations. You're paying for a service so I think it's reasonable to explain what you want. My dad wasn't at our wedding, so my mom walked my down the aisle and my brothers were my first dance. I find weddings and holidays harder to navigate because of the societal expectations people put on family relationships, but know you're not alone. Lots of family's look different and that's ok. Hoping you have a great wedding experience and day.
Not sure if this is part of your situation, but I was in a similar place with my mom during my wedding and the hardest part was navigating/avoiding her hurt feelings (really moreso she was embarrassed that others would notice she was not being given typical mother of the bride roles). I found something smallish that I didn’t actually care about (something related to center pieces) and put her in charge of that so she could feel included. She could make it sound like she handled most of the decor and I was fully prepared and not stressed if she flaked and we didn’t actually have that part of the center pieces day of. For dress shopping, I went with a friend first and then let my mom come when I actually bought it but it was presented as more of a done deal and she wasn’t given the opportunity to provide hurtful/unhelpful feedback. I support letting the photographer know at a high level that all directions should come from you/MOH/etc and not your mom.
I will say 5 years out she and I are in a better place and I find that I have more grace for our relationship because I now have a great MIL who is refreshingly normal and responsible.
What traditions are you thinking of? I have a good relationship w my mom but I actually felt like there weren’t traditional things for her to do during my wedding - I didn’t have a bridal shower though.