note: not pregnant yet, but planning to be in 1-2 yrs

we live in the states, but my husband is canadian, where 1 year of mat leave (at least) is the norm. i have always assumed that i'd take 3-5 months and then get back to the job i love.

we are fortunate to be in a financial position to hire full-time help. however, he thinks that taking anything less than a year off is unmaternal/unfair to the baby and he's asked me to research what other women in advertising say is "normal." help!

I took a year and wouldn’t have wanted to take anything less. That was my personal choice though (also, I’m in Europe so very different from the states), and you need to do what’s right for you.

Saying something is “unmaternal” is extremely unfair! Is he planning on taking a long time off to bond with baby too, or is that just on the mum…?

That said…the job you love will likely pale in comparison with the baby, so be open to changing your mind as you go, and ask your partner to be flexible and understanding too. Good luck. x

12 weeks seems fairly standard, but it shouldn't be. It's what I would've had before I went back to client side.

I had 6 months total - 4 paid - at 3M. Parentaly has a list of companies' parental leave policies, as does Fairygodboss. Though, I've found it depends on how it's described. At 3M, it says "10 weeks paid leave, 10 weeks unpaid." That's in addition to 6-8 weeks short term disability, but some places include STD in the total described.

I don't think less than a year leave is "unmaternal," but I do think anything less than 4 months, and really 6 to have time to not feel like you're drowning, feels unfair to everyone involved. Babies can't even be sleep trained until 4 months, and nobody does well going back to work on very broken sleep.

16 weeks paid seems to be the US “norm” at many ad agencies. We did that but were able to stagger maternity/paternity to get 6 months total. Then baby went to daycare. I would have preferred to send him to daycare at 1 year but that wasn’t an option for us.

I took 3 months because my agency didn’t have mat leave. Had to take two months unpaid and use all my vacation.

If I could have taken a year off, I would have. I love my job but I love my baby more.

I took 12 weeks with first 2 and 10 with my 3rd. I consider myself very “maternal” and my family would agree. Being a mom and loving to work are not at odds with each other.

Is he taking a year off? Does he feel unpaternal?
Curious as to what length leave he’s considering taking.

I took 4 months with my first because she was 5 weeks premature and it felt right. My second I took 12 weeks because that’s all I could get (really they only allowed 8 weeks, but i finagled 4 more.) I found maternity leave isolating. And I enjoy work, because it is something I was familiar with and good at.

I took 8 months off for first and 9 months with my second. My work is generous with mat leave where it’s 4 months and then they add on holidays and you can add vacation and I’d been there long enough and planned it so it hit during long holidays that it stretched it.

I took six months then nanny and WFH half the week.

There’s no such thing as normal. Many women in the US have to go back to work literally immediately. We are unsupported by our government and only the privileged who work at fancy companies get 12 weeks or more.

If you have the opportunity to take longer, then take it. But don’t let anyone guilt you into staying home longer than you want to.

I took 4 months and went back to work remotely after that, with a nanny for childcare. I had actually given my boss a heads up before the baby was born that I might ask for an extra month or two unpaid if I didn’t feel ready to come back to work - but I ultimately decided not to take it. I consider myself extremely maternal, but motherhood was tough on me the first few months (Covid, NY winter, no family in the country etc added to it) and I distinctly remember the relief I felt on my first day getting childcare and logging into my work account. If we weren’t remote though, I would have probably taken 8-9 months.

I 100% agree with those flipping the question and asking if your spouse plans of taking pat leave. Men not doing so hurts women and the gender wage gap issue. Also, not taking pat leave is unpaternal. Babies need to bond with the father too and men often gain a new appreciation for mothering after regularly being solely reaponsible for a baby.

Regarding your personal decision, stay open to changing your mind after baby comes. It's a major life change and it tends to rearrange life priorities for a lot of people. I thought I wanted to keep attending staff meetings starting right after giving birth, but all of that went out the window when baby arrived. My mindset shifted to "F work! I'm going to enjoy my precious leave time!" Consider also that you will likely need at least 8-12 weeks to physically feel somewhat normal again. If you end up having a C-section, it's 6-8 weeks minimum just to recover from that. How baby sleeps and feeds will affect how fried your brain will be from a lack of sleep; some babies sleep through the night after 2 months, but others take much, much longer. Also, no one *plans* to experience PPD or PPA, but they are very common and will affect how well you feel or how ready you are to return to work.

I can sort of see where your partner is coming from because I am Canadian and here 1 year is the standard. Canadians are so used to that being the norm that anything less seems unnaturally cruel and unfair for the baby. We look to the US and shake our heads at how poorly the government supports families in general (starting with paid leave and healthcare costs). The 🇺🇸 government is unpaternal! Lol. All of that said, it's incredibly unfair for your partner to call any decision of yours unmaternal. You are already a mother by growing a human inside you. If you end up deciding that you want to return to work after 8, 12, 16, or even 50 weeks, then that's what you should do and your partner should support that.

I took 1 year with my first because that's the norm here 🇨🇦 and then chose 18 months with my second (it was a new option that was not available when I had my 1st child). Those 18 months were cut short when the government mat leave pay was not enough to get us by after my husband lost his job, so I went back to work after 1 year. In some ways I feel robbed of the extra time I could have had, but I feel better knowing my kids both had the same amount of time. Both times it was a huge adjustment for me to accept my baby was exploring their independense at daycare. I wanted to be with them longer and would have (both times) if I would so I guess you can say 1 year didn't feel like enough time.

My view is this is a very personal decision and has nothing to do what other people are doing. Only you know what is right for you. I personally know I’m a person that goes nuts not being mentally engaged and I took off 4 months but was working from home after. Also, only you will know how you feel. It might surprise you to want to have a longer mat leave, or you may be ready to go back soon. I don’t think it’s very fair for your husband to push back on this, if he wants someone to be with the baby he can figure out paternity leave.