Why are women partners always the meanest/hardest on women associates?

I will never forget my “mean” literature professor freshman year of college explaining that she was not our mom. As a woman, she was used to people having higher expectations for her in terms of emotional availability and support than male professors in her department (from whom no students demanded the same care and attention).

Are you sure the women partners are meaner? Or do you just hold them to a higher standard because you expect women to take on emotional labor and be considerate of your feelings in a way you don’t expect male partners to?

This seems to go to one extreme or other other, imo. I’ve worked for two women partners who have been amazing, incredible teachers, mentors and sponsors and who have gone to bat for my career. But then I’ve also noticed a lot of women are threatened by other women in the workplace. I think they can have a mentality of there’s only a couple “spots” to be filled by women so they view you more as competition, especially if they are older and came up as one of very few women in the firm.

I’m a woman partner, and I would never dream of being “mean” to anyone, especially my associates who help make all this functional. And if I ever did something one of them perceived as mean or even if I inadvertently hurt their feelings, I genuinely hope they’d tell me bc that’s simply not acceptable.

Maybe I’m not self-aware and I’m mean…. I truly hope not. And I’m going to make a mental note to flag for each new associate with whom I work that they should tell me if I’m being mean or extra or anything else that’s not acceptable.

All that said, when I was an associate, I only had two female partners who were difficult. I wouldn’t say mean per se but def not the nicest. I tackled it by “leveling up” (i.e. becoming too busy for them).
I would never be mean on purpose and 100% support folks jockeying to be “too busy” for such managers.

This gig is hard enough. Mean people suck.

why do women insist on propagating sexist stereotypes about women?

This is definitely a thing (see, e.g., https://www.forbes.com/sites/heidilynnekurter/2020/02/19/women-bullied-at-work-heres-why-your-female-boss-dislikes-you/ ) and I’ve experienced it too, but know that there are good bosses out there (men and women), and omg working for them is so much better I wish I made the move sooner

Are they “meaner” or are they just actually providing them with constructive criticisms and training rather than just fixing their mistakes and never working with them again? I point out juniors’ issues because I want them to know what they did wrong and do better next time. If I don’t bother, it’s because I’ve decided you’re beyond saving

Yeah, I’ve had that experience. My former boss was a woman with some abusive tendencies and it was fairly well known that she tended to prefer her male employees, sort with the perspective that younger women lacked the same rigor/discipline she had. There’s also no way to get help, because, like some of the comments above, people assume you’re operating from sexist tropes. Even though you’re also a woman, you’re less experienced/credentialed so you are kind of stuck.

i’ve definitely seen this before as well, especially with women of the boomer generation - they had to claw their way up in a man’s world, and seem to often think that younger women didn’t have the same challenges or didn’t work as hard to get where they are. they made a lot of sacrifices to be in these positions of power that the newer generation doesn’t have to make anymore, and that would probably build some resentment

I wouldn't say always, but I have run into a fair share of horrible women partners (the most detrimental to my career was a woman) as well as horrible male partners. But I've also worked with some great ones. I think it all depends on mentality and whether they approach their career as a zero sum game. If there's more for you, there's less for me mentally never produced particularly likeable people.

See, my woman partner is wonderful. The women seniors, though......

The ones I work with are great.

Because the “mean girl” syndrome doesn’t stop in high school. No one prepares you for 50 something year old woman who has beef with you because she’s jealous or for some odd reason thinks that she went through hell so you deserve the same treatment. I am not saying all women partners are like this because there certainly are exceptions, but every time I’ve had an issue at work, it was stemming from a woman. It’s not my problem you’re ugly, go put on some makeup and lose weight.

Not a partner yet, but a senior associate up for a vote this year. I fully admit that I will talk to a female associate about the importance of diligence long before I mention it to a male associate.

Maybe it’s wrong, but I know that the female associate is going to be ripped to shreds for small errors that others will ignore from the male associate. I figure it’s better to get a gentle talk about checking your work from me than it is to get frozen out by a “nicer” male partner down the line because he assumes she’s dumb because she didn’t proof properly.

Do I look like an unfair hard ass when I do that? Probably. But I understand that female associates are not held to the same standards that male associates are. It’s not fair to women to pretend that they aren’t. A senior associate did the same for me when I was a junior and I consider it a primary reason I have survived this long.

I’ve experienced this as well. Very real thing. Helps that a male associate my year also noticed the same but it shouldn’t take a man validating my experience for other women to validate that this happens 😭

On the average, I’ve experienced 50/50 split on men/women horrible bosses. That being said I’ve noted a few differences.

1. It stings more when it comes from a woman because I kind of expect to be more mistreated by men.

2. The way by which they are mean is kind of different, at least in my anecdotal experience. The men are really obvious and in your face about their meanness. More likely to be screamers. The women tend to do it behind fake nice and just try to make you miserable with a smile on their faces.

I’ve noticed this pattern as well. I don’t think mean is the right word, but I generally find female partners harder to work with.

My armchair analysis of the three who have stood out negatively in my career:
-very rude and aggressive to everyone internally and externally to the point she has a reputation (she even comes up on posts on here). This is just her thing and some clients actually want this style. Assume she had to be aggressive to be heard given gender and race dynamics at play.
-one came up in a really intense group around some overall unpleasant people and basically hazes juniors (men and women equally)
-the last, honestly, I think is just a snake

The most insane partner I've worked for was a much older women. She had all the typical toxic traits of men, undoubtedly modeled from her male mentors along her solo journey to the top back in the day, and actual legitimate phycological issues, undoubtedly compounded by her journey to the top alone and in an environment where she felt like she had to distance and disadvantage other women. Lots of internalized misogyny happening there. We always said that she climb the ladder and then turned around and beat other women with it, as opposed to just pulling it up.. lol

But I've worked for a ton of other female partners since then and they've all been so great to work for. Don't let one POS or a firm with a bad culture ruin your life! Move on and find the good ones.

I think it depends a lot on firm culture. My firm has no assholes. Including female assholes.

Most of the female partners I have worked with are mean. Mean to staff and mean to associates. One was a screamer and tended to blame their associates for every mistake including their own. One made partner and had a drastic change in personality. I have to say that was interesting to see. The other one was just plain psychotic. She would scream at her associates and when in public ignore them as if they don’t exist at all. One made the mistake of saying hello only to be ignored completely.

You just gotta find the right women partners. The best partners I’ve worked with and for are women.