We had small kids + elder care needs; eventually I said:

"I'm working on billable hours so I can't 'just stop for a second' see here is the timer
(show computer) I am so sorry I can't stop before___(time varied)"

We also hired a granny nanny - Do you have additional help? Because if she's asking, she needs help, you're just not in a place to give it because you're at work. Both needs are totally understandable

This is hard. Sounds like both of you are working hard and still just coming up short because 3 under 3 is just HARD. If you can find a way to shift away from "I need to set a boundary with my wife" versus "I need both of us to be on the same page and be a team together" I think that would help.

I don't know your relationship dynamics or personalities so I can't really predict the best way to go about this conversation.

For me and my husband, what has worked us something along the lines of "I see that you are absolutely maxed out and I want to help more but I also feel maxed out. Can we talk about how to maybe restructure our days or our routines so that we can get everything done and take care of the kids and pay the bills and try to keep our sanity?"

Then you might need to be creative in solutions. If you have the financial resources I'd 100% suggest a part time daycare or mother's day out or mother's helper at home or meal/cleaning service (or combination).....some kind of outsourcing to reduce the load on you two.

If that's not in the cards for whatever reason, maybe discuss some of the hardest times for her during the day and see if you can pre-plan to be available those times....maybe in exchange for something else. For example, maybe you can take an extra long lunch break a few days and handle the kids while she gets a shower or takes a walk or goes to a coffee shop and sits in silence by herself. And maybe in exchange you can ask her if she could do nighttimes a day or two a week so you can either refresh on sleep or catch up on work.

I think acknowledgement that it is HARD and that she is working hard and that you want to find a way to make things better should probably go a long way. She may also be dealing with external pressures (maybe even cultural expectations that I wouldn't intuitively understand).

Perhaps you need to rent an office somewhere close to home so you're not on the premises.

I really feel for your wife. I bet she'd trade places with you in a heartbeat. Three kids under 3 sounds like a juggling nightmare. I couldn't do it and remain sane. She deserves a medal and a 5-year vacation 👍🏻

You’re asking the wrong question.

The question is, “If I, as an attorney, were asked to simultaneously work on 3 separate cases/clients at the same time (not working on one and then taking a break to later work on the others; rather, having to juggle all three in a constant and overlapping manner), how could I get those clients not to communicate with me at all while I worked on their cases? If I absolutely had to do so, would having an assistant help diffuse the workload?”

Your wife isn’t working one job. She’s working a job with three (admittedly young) clients at once, who are all asking for simultaneous deliverables with the very same deadline.

If you are capable of writing three briefs at the same time (not spaced out; all at once, perhaps because you have three hands), then it’s acceptable for her do the same without complaint. If, however, you’d need (or already have) some kind of assistant, then the same goes for her.

Set aside your lunch hour. Block it off everyday. Make your lunch and sit and the table with the kids so she can have 15 minutes. Or ask what her most difficult part of the day is and find a way to help for that specific time. Giving a little, on your terms and with boundaries, will be the best way to stop the constant stream of requests.

If you absolutely can’t help with anything ever, find a different location to work.

it sounds like you’re an attorney. Get the woman some help. If you can’t then divorce her so she can get half of your assets and live her best life 💅. FYI taking care of YOUR kids is not child care. Child care is for kids who don‘t belong to you. Why get her pregnant if your kids are a burden.?

This post is honestly sad. Do you not love your wife and kids? I work from home and even when I'm busy I enjoy joining for lunch or a quick hug or kiss when I can. If you truly can't help during the day, then buy your wife some help.

I don't know for sure, but OP is giving off the vibe that his ONLY contribution to raising his kids is providing. Wake up and learn to help your wife before you lose her and your kids.

Just make time for the kids. I assume they are your kids and that you love them. You won't ever get this time back with them.

If you're not available to help and your wife is clearly needing help with the kids, then pay to outsource some of the tasks - get a cleaner, a part-time nanny, etc. You need to figure out how to help your wife. How much child help do you do after work or before work hours currently?

Go to a cafe and work. That's what we do because if my kid sees both of us home, he thinks it's weekend!!! 3 under 3 is crazy workload, and without help!!!! This is not about you pitching in more during wfh, but finding more help immediately.

Helps that my SAHM wife worked a pretty similar job to mine so I don’t have to explain my role and the expectations but our operating assumption is I’m not available during the work day unless it’s an emergenc.

But at the same time, I make a point to make the most of WFH flexibility and be helpful where I can when it doesn’t interfere with my work, but it’s always done with the express understanding that it’s not expected - helping get all the kids in and out of the car when I know that’s a pinch point for her, stepping in for 10-15 to help cover older kids while the youngest is going down for nap to make things easier, being around for lunch and doing my best to be around before dinner when she’s trying to get dinner on the table etc etc.

If I'm WFH I'm expecting to be helping out with kid or household things whenever I have a 10 minute break here or there. My husband is in big law and I expect the same. Otherwise we don't work from home- the office brings a luxury of focus time. Your kids don't understand that you're home but not available and I frankly think it's unfair to them. (We also log a lot of early morning and late night hours when the kids are asleep).

Maybe get a high school kid to help entertain the kids so your wife can get other stuff done. 3 under 3 is a heavy load

SAHM here! I'd personally advise you & your wife to create a schedule/routine for while you're working and even after you clock out, if she can and/or doesn't already have one. She needs to organize her day as if she's "at work", just like you are at work. And then, you both need to prioritize making sure she gets intentional time away from the kids. That shift in perspective really helped me as a SAHM to not be so easily frustrated, and it doesn't leave room for unspoken resentment.
I will also add this, though. I don't know what you do for work, but please understand that any and everything factors into children's behavior. Example, there may be moments that your kids are pushing certain/different boundaries with your wife simply because you are there. If you're able to, at all, when necessary, it makes a WORLD of difference if you can pause and hold or correct a child. Not stopping to change a diaper, not leaving to grab snacks or make bottles - just a word or holding for a literal minute. I think she'd really appreciate that. Just my thoughts!

My husband and I have a home office and if that door is closed, it means a firm “do not disturb”. If the door is open, proceed. Easy enough.

OP- do you think your wife is dealing with a medical issue, like depression or anxiety?
Is she overwhelmed with caring for the kids?

I have 3 boys -2 yrs apart of each other. I was overwhelmed many times. And that feeling just gets worse as they grow and change.
I realized I had to wake up and work on my parenting skills . I knew one day these boys would be taller and stronger than me. Since my husband went to his business in the evenings, it was three against one

I read a book on assertive parenting and used JIm Fays Love and Logic approach. After reading these books, I was more confident in parenting in a way that made sense to me.

SAH parents are definitely undervalued, imo . SAH parents are literally shaping their child’s minds, heart and soul; their development. That’s an important job. Some might say it’s the most important job one can have

I would recommend shifting this from setting boundaries to clarifying availability (zero) and solutions. I respect that she wants to do it all herself, but clearly it isn’t working. (And it would only really work for superwoman). As a WFH mom, my husband having my physical body in the house would confuse him because I couldn’t take breaks and he could make food, do laundry, clean the house. I would explain that most days I don’t have time to use the restroom.

I think if mismanaged, this can lead to lots of hurt and resentment which sucks because you guys are doing REALLY hard work right now.

Sending lots of grace and hopefully you can get some temporary help til MIL gets there.

She is expressing valid needs and you’re unable to help. Which is fine, as long as you help her get the support she needs so it doesn’t impinge on your time (and fuel unhealthy marriage dynamics). Full time childcare is so much harder than my 250k day job. You guys are figuring out the everchanging child(ren). Buy whatever services you can for your collective sanity.

I tried to be a martyr and took 6m leave with no other help and it was hell. Beautiful, but hell. You often don’t realize the extent of what you need until it’s passed. Help her resource. Even as a once highly neural woman, the mom brain was hard for me to overcome and needed to look to my husband for executive decision making which was previously shared. Recognize her needs and problem solve. She prob doesn’t have the bandwidth to do much more than go through the motions and just get through it.

You've hit on a common and challenging situation. As a mum in a hybrid role and the family's breadwinner, I've been there. It's easy to feel like you're pulled in a million different directions, and for your partner to feel like they're doing all the caregiving while you're just a room away.

The truth is, this isn't about setting up rules; it's about building a partnership. Every boundary you set and every chore you share is a message that you respect your partner's hard work and are committed to tackling this life together, as a team.

Boundaries with Your Job
Your company will take as much of your time and energy as you give them. It's critical to set firm boundaries with your work. Always remember what you're working for. These precious moments with your kids don't last forever.

Take a real lunch break. Instead of eating at your desk, use this time to connect with your family. You could make a quick lunch, help with the dishes, or simply sit and have a conversation. This small break can help you recharge and makes your wife feel like she has a partner in the trenches.

The Invisible Commute
For you, the moment you close your laptop isn't the end of your day, it's the beginning of a mental shift from "work mode" to "dad mode." You need a short, uninterrupted period to decompress so you can be fully present for her and the kids. This isn't a break from parenting; it's a way to become a better parent.

Propose a 15-20 minute "transition time" after you finish work. This could be a walk around the block, listening to a podcast, or just sitting in silence in your office with the door closed. After this time, your role is to take over childcare so she can have her own well-deserved break.

A Team-Based Approach to Chores
If you can't afford cleaners or extra help, it's okay to acknowledge that you're both doing the best you can. The dishes can wait. The laundry can sit for another day. Her well-being comes first.

Remind her that it's perfectly fine to use the kids’ nap time to rest instead of doing chores. She should take a nap, watch a TV show, or do anything else that helps her recharge. This shows you're a partner who sees her and her needs, not just a list of tasks.

When you finish work, the most powerful thing you can say is, "My workday is done. I've got the kids now. You can take a break." This is how you show you're on the same team.

Treat it like as if SHE was working and you asked her for help with YOUR kids and u were in her shoes.