We had small kids + elder care needs; eventually I said:

"I'm working on billable hours so I can't 'just stop for a second' see here is the timer
(show computer) I am so sorry I can't stop before___(time varied)"

We also hired a granny nanny - Do you have additional help? Because if she's asking, she needs help, you're just not in a place to give it because you're at work. Both needs are totally understandable

This is hard. Sounds like both of you are working hard and still just coming up short because 3 under 3 is just HARD. If you can find a way to shift away from "I need to set a boundary with my wife" versus "I need both of us to be on the same page and be a team together" I think that would help.

I don't know your relationship dynamics or personalities so I can't really predict the best way to go about this conversation.

For me and my husband, what has worked us something along the lines of "I see that you are absolutely maxed out and I want to help more but I also feel maxed out. Can we talk about how to maybe restructure our days or our routines so that we can get everything done and take care of the kids and pay the bills and try to keep our sanity?"

Then you might need to be creative in solutions. If you have the financial resources I'd 100% suggest a part time daycare or mother's day out or mother's helper at home or meal/cleaning service (or combination).....some kind of outsourcing to reduce the load on you two.

If that's not in the cards for whatever reason, maybe discuss some of the hardest times for her during the day and see if you can pre-plan to be available those times....maybe in exchange for something else. For example, maybe you can take an extra long lunch break a few days and handle the kids while she gets a shower or takes a walk or goes to a coffee shop and sits in silence by herself. And maybe in exchange you can ask her if she could do nighttimes a day or two a week so you can either refresh on sleep or catch up on work.

I think acknowledgement that it is HARD and that she is working hard and that you want to find a way to make things better should probably go a long way. She may also be dealing with external pressures (maybe even cultural expectations that I wouldn't intuitively understand).

Just always keep in mind that in everything, it is never you and her against each other, it is you and her against the problem. I have been a SAHP of 3 kids when they were little. I can hands down say that being a SAHP is by far the hardest job I’ve ever experienced. It‘s also added stress having to constantly stop the kids from bothering their dad if he is working from home.

Honestly, I lock my door and she never bothers me because she understands I'm working. Its the same working from home as outside the home. Granted we have 1 kid. But when I'm off she gets a break and I take over. It's understood when dads working, he is not here.

Having 3 kids was a choice so now you have to actively participate or go into an office.

If you were required to go into the office, what would she do? Sometimes that thought of I see you right there and you don’t look busy so you could help can easily happen. you two definitely need to talk. But approach it with hey I want to help. How can I help you during the day. maybe it varies through the day, maybe it’s lunch time where it’s harder or putting them down for a nap. But if you know in advance what you need to do to help, mentally you both can be prepared for the day.

You said she wants to be a SAHM. I get that. I was a SAHM for a bit and even did that while also WFH. but maybe it’s taking too much of a toll. Is one kid 3? Can maybe the oldest go to preschool And the younger 2 stay home? Or start part time to get them used to going somewhere and get socialized. Her heart seems in the right place, but that is a lot to deal with. However you are working and just because you are physically there during the day doesn’t mean you are able to help. If you can, great. But you will get burnt out too because you said you do the nights and wake up with them. So it sounds like you are the full time parent outside of work hours and that won’t help you either.

If you don't want to be disturbed by others who are in your home during working hours, the only way I've found to reliably accomplish that is to go into the office.

Also at the end of the day when you are available? Do as much as you can to help out. Unload the dishwasher. Run a load of laundry. Set up an Instacart order if you can't do a grocery run.

And remember, even if your wife is a SAHM, three kids under three is a *lot* to deal with, and there are lots of ways to trade money for time (like the aforementioned grocery delivery). If you aren't already paying for a house cleaner at least bi-weekly, it is the absolute best money we've ever spent. I had one when I was single because I worked all the hours.

I'm sure when you're at your max or you need to go to the dentist or whatever, you're able to take a day of vacation or PTO here and there. There is no PTO for a SAHM. Maybe pay a trusted relative or find a "spot nanny" for a couple days a month to give your wife a break.

Maybe also give her a gift card to a spa to use on those days.

It always starts with lunch time BJ's. As a treat.

That has crossed the line already, and the line has to be redrawn. Once kids are involved, ESPECIALLY with a SAHM, boundaries must be formed, both with her and with work.

If you can (I'm a software engineer, so my time is fairly flexible outside of meetings), I would block out a few hours a day when your wife needs you to help with the kids. Let work know it's personal time that will be made up after hours if necessary. Find out with your wife what time would be best, and let her see your meeting schedule so as to not interrupt that, then block out that time. Set your online message at work to "Family time, will catch up with you ASAP" so people know what to expect.

Help your wife. She's doing a full time job just as you are, but she's paid in screaming and complaining and possibly fecal matter and urine, so give her a lot of grace in return for the grace you're asking to be left alone when you need to work and she's at her wit's end.

Boundaries should reflect what you will do, not what other people will do for you. I would go to the office if this is a huge issue

The easiest solutions are varying levels of outsourcing —
- part time or full time daycare (or even drop in childcare at the local rec center - do some research and see what’s available in your area)
- new mothers helper / nanny / house manager to support chores or childcare
- other types of outsourcing: housekeeping, cook, wash n fold services, cleaning

Sounds like your MIL will be around so it might solve itself. Otherwise have a convo about what’s not working

Close your door and explain if your door is closed you are essentially “not home.” Ask how you guys can figure out other help. What is she asking for help with? How often? Is she interrupting you when you clearly look busy?

IMO communication is key here. My husband and I both work from home and we just give a heads up how busy we are and if we can’t be interrupted. There are times my husband is working but still chatting so it can be confusing and we had to figure that out. Once you make the boundary keep it.

I was faced with the same thing when I was in consulting. The general rule at our house was “if my office door is closed, you all have to pretend like I’m not here“. It worked well for a while and then one interruption turned in to several. I just kept reminding m family that I was busy putting food on the table and that couldn’t be compromised. I also assured them that I would be available whenever I could be, and that included being able to attend the kids sports. My wife was VERY good about not interrupting me unless absolutely necessary and I could constantly hear her telling the kids “Dad is working so please don’t bother him”.

Hi

If you figure this out let me know.

My wife is a teacher, and during the summer or other breaks, that fact that I WFH just means I am available for anything and everything... even if the door is closed.

She doesn't understand that just because I am sitting quietly staring at a computer screen, doesnt mean I am not fully engrossed in work.

The ONLY way it has even come close to working is if I preempt a specific time frame by saying I'm going to be in a meeting, then fully close the door. But if I say 10-11... at 1105, even if I haven't opened the door it seems like free game to come in.

You asked this question 3 years too late 😂

Consultant

Hire a mommy/daddy helper. It worked really well for me when my kids were young and I had deadlines working remotely. Good Luck! You probably need a cleaning service. Mommy/Daddy helper can pick after the kids, feed, and entertain them. You and your wife could alternate meals and laundry. Parenting is a team Job. Budget for it.

Get back To the office and stop this face mask pandemic mentality- get in your car and drive to the office

Make it clear that when you are working from home your time is not your own there is no option to help with the kids, with a couple of exceptions like if your wife is sick or there is an emergency (which you would end up leaving work for anyway if you were in the office).

I dont know what your working arrangement is but I would imagine if you work 1 hour less when you are at home you will either lose your job or the option to work from home which probably cuts out travel time that can be used to help at home with the kids and other tasks.

I can sympathise. I find it very hard when I'm working, I have a bunch of things in my head, an idea what I am going to do next and I've built some momentum, got into a groove and I get yanked out it. Of course it's fine in an emergency, but the definition of "emergency" turns out to be a highly subjective and variable thing. I have a "working" memory. If I get pulled off a task I lose all that (it's like rebooting a computer and losing all the open programs) and it takes me a while to "reload" all those tasks and get back to them. That 2 minutes to drag the bins to the top of the drive or discuss lunch plans can set me back 30 minutes or more.

Is this a situation where she's actually overwhelmed? or she just sees you around and expects you to share the house hold work during work hours just because you're home?

Its the latter for me, and if that's the same for you I can relate man. I have a strained relationship with my wife anyway so I have made it very clear that I can't do anything personal during my work hours. I do more than half the household chores on top of a full time job, I spend almost all of my time after work with my son.

thankfully for you it sounds like you have a loving family and you may not want to be as blunt as i have been about it. but i completely feel you're valid in your need to keep your work time for work, and you making this post tells me that you don't really see her asking to take bits and pieces of time off work during the day as a fair or reasonable ask on her part. and I feel like you're the kind of dude, if you had the time, you'd be doing your part and she doesn't even have to ask.

If you don't have a strained relationship like me, i suppose you would have an easier time talking this out, and just explain to her why it is that you can't be distracted. perhaps you need to be online incase someone pings you, perhaps you just need to keep monitoring a process and you can't take your eyes off, perhaps you're using you brain and focusing on something where distraction could set you back minutes if not hours. just explain these things to her and hope she understands. it feels like we live in an age where "at home parenting" is considered to be hardest thing on earth and we aren't allowed to questions that. some people have jobs that are harder.

You’re brave for posting this here, knowing you’d get a lot of Monday-morning quarterbacking. Honestly, I didn’t even realize this “bowl” existed until I stumbled across it.

When I finally got a dedicated office after Covid, the only problem was the thin walls and glass doors. Fortunately I sit with my back to the doors so I don’t have to constantly see distractions. Now I just have to hear them.

My wife and older kids all understand that if the door is shut, I’m not to be interrupted. The cats and my youngest, though… that’s another story. If the door doesn’t latch, a cat will nose it open without hesitation.

And honestly, I think that’s the perfect metaphor for WFH boundaries: cats don’t respect them. They’ll paw at the door, walk across the keyboard, and demand attention. Sometimes the only option is to be firm — whether that means tossing the cat out or gently but consistently saying “no” when you’re working.

How best to help your wife? Probably just keep what you’re doing.
For us, what really helped was Mother’s Day Out (MDO). That’s actually how my kids got potty trained. Even though we don’t attend church, we still enrolled them in a church-based program, and it turned out to be a great experience. My two oldest are so close in age people joke they’re Irish twins, and both turned out well-rounded. I don’t give MDO all the credit, but it definitely made a difference for them.

I don’t know much about billable hours, but if the gist is: at $500 an hour they deserve my full attention, then you might need to just keep saying that.

Alternatively, I do have some really great ideas about how to use technology to make your job easier.

Every household has its own rhythm, and it takes trial and error to get there. Stay firm, stay kind, and keep at it — I’m sure it will work itself out over time.

Only answer is do not WFH.

Focus on 80% of Life. Look around and see, A Blessed LIFE.
Don't focus on 20% the problem, IT CAN ALWAYS WORSE.
Solution Watch, Listen to 80/20, and DO.
https://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=GOD+CAN+TURN+BACK+TIME