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OP, We are here to help and you are helping others by daring to post what you are experiencing and by so clearly stating what you need.
This is my 25th year in practice, and I was the seat mate of former Supreme Ct Justice Ruth Bader Ginsberg at a private club in Washington, DC, so I’m embracing the role of elder [so I don’t FEEL so old /grin/].
Props to Associate 2 for such a cogent, helpful, and positive thinking response. Read Associate 2’s message over and over — even when you are a partner.
Authoring briefs, book chapters, federal & industry guidance documents — and being The Fixer for client & firm crises (Really — transactional, M&A, corporate, litigation, IP, employment, all sciences, etc.) — those & unquestionable thoroughness & accuracy are my fortes, not brevity. Please bear with me as I write to extend a helping hand.
BASIC SURVIVAL STEPS:
1. Breathe. Learn diaphragmatic (yoga style) breathing and do it at least 3 times a day.
2. Use the guidance already in place through CLEs, your Bar Ass’ns, books, … anything & everything on preventing Executive Burnout, Executive PTSD, and Executive Dysfunction. Those are the REAL disorders that are so very hard to fend off much less beat when the BigLaw attorney is conscientious and has a soul, as you evidently do.
3. MANTRA that is what Associate 2 has explained but here’s the key phrase: Under promise, over deliver. Don’t get it backwards. /wink & grin/. Getting it backwards is how attorneys trash/ &/or lose their professional reputations, their outside support network of friends, family, and community, and, concomitantly, their balance, ie, the confidence in competence & place in the world.
4. TRUST FEW; Be Friendly to Civil to All:
NEVER EVER write or say anything negative or critical about ANYONE in your firm under the following conditions: Never say anything negative re: Firm to anyone who may be your “office friend” or “colleague in the field friend” or “mentoring partner” — Consider always “Qui bono?” Sadly, your venal, soulless colleagues who act and seem like “friends” will ALWAYS choose their own self-interests. As for writing negative things, just don’t — never, and certainly not on a firm linked device.
SURVIVE THIS WITH A TRIBE
There are quite a few tomes I’ve posted in the bowl on how to build your tribe, how to id who to trust, how to create a support network for your work and for your life.
5. GET AN ELDER AS A SOUNDING BOARD IF NOT MENTOR
Attorneys like me have no ulterior motives and feel the loss if you don’t do well professionally or personally. You are our next generation (even partners are next gen to me now/grin/) and I will do all I can to assist & guide you. You can DM me or find a person OUTSIDE YOUR FIRM who has nothing to gain by any trip up on your part.
6. LIVE IN A SAFE SPACE:
It’s a mindset, not a matter of economics. Puhlease, I lived in “urban renewal” my 1st 17 years of practice.
A safe space is the space in your mind, in your office, in your transportation, in your HOME, and in relationships in which:
You do not put yourself down or demean yourself and no one else does.
You return home each day to your “sanctuary,” an oasis of peace, serenity, and no demands other than from your beloved pets who want to be fed or stroked.
You have a lovely room in your mind you enter to focus on work and/or to tune out the stressors coming at you externally.
You have playlists for boosting your spirits, feeling resonance for anger, despair, being overwhelmed, or upbeat.
Safety in a crime ridden area is a state of mind just like safety in the Cold War meats WWIII meats guerrilla warfare at the office. U lived in “urban renewal” and paid off my college & law school loans ($450K) & bought a house by age 31 — and sure my apt in DC was made available after the DEA dragged off the last resident, and sure the neighborhood drug dealer/registered rapist sex offender lived across the street from me when I could finally buy a house, but I paid off the overhanging debt from law school, built a portfolio that tripled yearly, got the ghetto apt building converted to a building on the National Historic Registry, and supported 5 people yahdy yah yah — oh, and I built my consulting business equipment, technology, knowledge, every chance I got for almost 9 years when I saw how the partnership track REALLY played out, particularly for women of my day.
7. KEEP YOUR HUMOR
Even if only in your head. Take ling walks with friends on weekends. Do the gym if you like but I’m a fresh air person.
SEE THE ABOVE on CREATING THE ENVIRONMENT for your goals and the soundtrack you can grieve to and bounce back with.
I’ve posted in the bowl some of mine - and they ain’t Disney or girlie songs.
Gotta jump - fortunately for you, as I’m at a place in life where I love giving gratuitous advice when I am not teaching corporate VPs, attorneys, or law students. DM anytime. I’ll make you laugh, help you with perspective, and guide you on getting through anything. Remember that I come from a time when it was customary to physically beat associates in addition to the other abuses and reporting sexual harassment just got the woman investigated for slutty or flirtatious behavior and then industry blackballed. So, my mental room and my home sanctuary were survival base points.
FINALLY
As for keeping promises & your balance, when you say something stand by it, no matter what courage it takes. For example, when I had given my last shred of tolerance in warnings to one of my worst sexually harassing partners, I told him that if he ever touched me again I would beat the crap out of him. I meant it. I went straight from being felt up & down and my pushing him (after telling him I’d NEVER wear what he kept buying me because his presents were dropped at the homeless shelter on my walk home — jewelry, silk scarves, lingerie, ALL OF IT) and strode boldly into the employment law chief partner’s office and explained what I had just PROMISED to do to that partner as he was demanding dinner that night etc.
THAT got me traction. Male & female associates and THE female partner had for almost a year told me that it was just the way of life and he’d pick a new flavor (victim) once a younger associate who appealed to him was hired in a year or so. THAT was the gasoline on my fire. DON’T LET OTHERS MAKE YOU KNUCKLE UNDER TO BEING OTHERS’ PREY — and DON’T BE A COWARD and pass it to our young. My friend who sued at another firm at the time has such severe PTSD that she has never been able to practice law, even had she not been blackballed.
Ever since that episode, my threatening that shocked old fart and letting him know I really had chinked his gifts of real, valuable jewels and garments makes me laugh.
Picture me as a 1st year in 3inch heels and pantyhose (LOL) and apply your own courage to be yourself — there you will tap into your laughter and you’ll be fine.
Associate Attorney 1, Please do DM me! Hearing from you would be a pleasure, being of any support to you would be my honor. Please forgive my delay in seeing your kind response. It was compressed and I’m not on the bowl as often as I’d like b/c I’ve had to take on a caregiver role temporarily at home. Truly, clocking 4K hrs a year in BigLaw left me feeling more rested and more competent than this! So, please, do DM and give my brain something to focus on other than household roles! There is much I’d love to learn from you, particularly regarding our current generations and how the new paradigms are playing out.
Outsource stuff in your personal life to save time. It’s part of the reason the salary is high. Get cleaners, dog walkers, pre-made lunch plans, etc. Also consider a personal trainer so you’ve got some accountability to turn up to the gym.
Welcome to biglaw. Outsource everything possible in your personal life (laundry service, housekeeper, meal prep service, etc). Delegate everything possible in your work life (use your juniors, paralegals, assistant, document services, research team, etc).
Remember to utilize your assistant.
Any suggestions? I can't think of anything to give them.
Utilize your assistant and the word processing department to the extent possible. Much longer hours are going to be necessary, so simplify your personal life, if necessary (maid, order groceries for delivery, dry cleaning pickup and delivery, laundry service, etc). Once you get accustomed to the work and pace, you won’t need much support because things will become second nature.
Practical and to the point. Great advice.
Learn to play the politics right, and you should be fine. It ain't Kansas anymore!
Wow! Thank you so much. This thread has been on my mind as have all of you. If you’ve seen my other tomes here on “Guides to …[Extricating Yourself from a Crazy/Clingy/Disorganized/or Unhelpful Partner or Sr Associate or Ensuring You Ate Not Being Frozen Out and How to Prevent Being Frozen Out [by Becoming a Rainmaker even in BigLaw]],” you’ve seen that I live by those core principles and miss the day to day teaching and mentoring. Thank you for reading my message and for being so kind as to respond. May the wind always be at your back, SA
Outsource as others have said but also start learning how to not make promises you can’t keep. Everything other than the most sacred events are work permitting. That doesn’t mean you can’t go but you may need to step out for a call or work on a laptop during half time etc.
I think when I started I was trying too hard to not let people down and saying I could do things and bail last minute.m, so now I say yes I would love to do x, work permitting.
The flip side is if work isn’t stopping me from doing something I do it - no exceptions.
I think I have a pretty healthy balance in my life of people knowing my commitment is somewhat unknown but that I will also do everything in my power to go. Feels pretty smooth.
For big events - bachelor parties, weddings of close friends, etc. I take the hit at work and get coverage or tell the partner I need them to take over for the weekend. There are just some things you have to do to show your friends and family work isn’t more important than the most important things in their life.
Associate 5 — Associate 2 is NOT replaceable. No cogent, eloquent, caring, forward-thinking, proactive attorney in our profession is fungible or disposable. Please, for your own sake as well as for those you influence, think of curating and cultivating these positive traits in our associates and our profession.
Props for being “well on the way to counsel,” … which in BigLaw is the same as speaking fae. It means what it means to whoever comprise the PTB at the time that draws are apportioned, rating positions secured, dislikes and grudges attended to, … oh, and whatever the world market is at the time. The Lloyds of London crash happened when I was in law, 9/11 on my first day as a lateral at the next target on the terrorist list, … there are so many factors and facets beyond our knowledge and control that cause not just sea changes but tsunamis in our profession.
You face a difficult choice: Learn from history and your elders in this field, learn awareness beyond the self-referential, and make your words and actions a credit to your own skills & reputation, your firm, and our profession, mindful that words are our tools, and we build as well as destroy with them …
Or …
Be self-congratulatory, self-serving, and self-referential and perpetuate a destructive and dysfunctional cycle in our profession.
We need your wisdom and these associates need your support.
This thread is depressing. I just accepted a role at a Big Law firm and am now wondering if I should withdraw it.
If you want WLB or meaningful autonomy over your life, then withdraw.
If you are ok with sacrificing those things, then jump on board.
Do not be gaslit by those who insist big law is sustainable. It isn't
The reason why people need to write a manifesto to survive big law is because it is not sustainable.
There is no other way to put it.
Very few people have sustainable and meaningful lives outside of their firm, barring a few exceptions.
So while I think the advice people are giving is great do not feel shitty if you hate it. It's not designed to be liked.
Associate 7 — So change the paradigm. Make it, make us better. You are here helping. You have the knowledge and skills to help us all. This ain’t no march on Washington, it is us deciding how we wish to evolve as we kick down rotting edifices. When you speak, write, act — you are heard. We need you.