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Just say “we’ve had a lot going on lately, let’s plan a night for us to be together”. Coplan with him this time and then when you’re out and the next morning say how wonderful it was. Even if it feels repetitive, say it multiple times and put emphasis on how happy it made you.
Drop him a few more hints in the weeks after (we should do that again) and hope he gets the hint. If he doesn’t, I think it warrants a bigger conversation but tbh when someone has a lot on their plate, it usually doesn’t help to pile on and rattle off a reasons they’re not doing enough for you. Reconnecting will be good for both of you and your feelings are valid, but delivery is important.
Also, just generally, don’t let these feelings fester for months so if change isn’t soon and fast, have the conversation and focus on how you FEEL (not saying what he lacks). Men love to problem solve so if you present the problem, he’ll think about what’s in his power. “I feel disconnected because we don’t spend a lot of quality time together and I want to be more intentional about how we engage with each other” … if there’s something you used to do together that you haven’t done in awhile, suggest that.
Thanks! I will try this. I appreciate you sharing such detailed advice.
Taking care of aging parents is just really really hard. It will put a strain on any relationship (sibling, romantic, etc) especially if you don’t have the money to hire professionals to do the hard work. I would sit down with him and say you understand everything going on and want to be supportive but are feeling disconnected. Life is going to be hard and this is just the first hard thing you guys might face together. If you both can’t find a way to reconnect by talking about it, it won’t get easier with time
Thanks, I appreciate the advice. I worry saying I feel disconnected will make him feel bad, but you’re right it won’t get easier with time.
Sounds like the care is going to be ongoing since it's been this long. It also sounds like you've found a great guy since he's dropped everything to care for his parents. It's a safe bet that he needs some self-care. He may not have much left to give you right now, but you might have some options for helping with that.
I'd suggest checking into your local resources to provide some days off. One idea is Visiting Angels if the parents need supportive services rather than advanced medical care. If there are other siblings or family members to trade off with, maybe volunteer to set up a rotating schedule so it's not 100% on your boyfriend.
Also, see if your boyfriend can be paid for caretaking through state programs. In some states, providing care for parents (if they need help with things as basic as dressing or bathing) entitles you to caretaker reimbursement through their health insurance (but you have to file for it). Getting that reimbursement would help with hiring some temp help for the occasional time off.
Explore all the resources you have for aging parent support in your area. See if you can help lighten your guy's survival mode before you start asking for what he literally might not have to give right now. He's probably too overwhelmed to even know how you could help if you asked him.
Unless he worked in the medical field, he's also probably very out of his element and feeling low on self esteem. Be very careful during any conversations about what you need. Without meaning to, you might make him feel like he's failing in the relationship. Make very sure he knows that he's not, you just want to be with him more and are willing to step in and find ways to help make that happen without leaving his parents in the lurch.
Thank you for this very thoughtful response. We’re in Europe so the local resources are helpful.
Appreciate you taking the time to respond!
What are you doing to support him? If he’s having a tough time, sometimes it’s really hard to focus on himself, the baby, and you. Make sure you have that answer first and if it’s enough before you discuss it. I’m not saying your needs shouldn’t or can’t be met, but make you’ve thought about his needs before mentioning changes you want from him
Yeah idk what happened but I guess ignore my comment lol
Chief
Talk to anyone who’s been married over 30 yrs. You’ll then understand what it means to be connected to somebody beyond quality time and romantic gestures.
If you want a deeper connection, help him take care of his parents. You be able to spend more time with him while connecting with the people most important in his life.
I already help him with that. That doesn’t make me feel more connected to him, it makes me feel more connected to his parents. The issue is not quantity of time, it’s quality time.
Sorry to tell you this , life isn’t a Hollywood romance movie . In fact it’s pretty brutal. So maybe realize the situation he is going through and be supportive like an adult . I don’t know him but I’m pretty sure that he would like things to be different.