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I’m so sorry Op , but based on what your saying it seems like he is in love with someone else . The way he is treating you is wrong , but it sounds like a defense mechanism to justify what he is doing .
It doesn’t seem like he wants to make it work and is just going through the motions . It seems like he is seeing someone else based on what you’re saying . Do you have kids ?
He admitted he is pursuing someone else . Not sure what I’m missing
As difficult as it is I would take a mental break from this. Take a step back, collect yourself and your thoughts. Think about you and your happiness beyond the context of this relationship. Continue counseling but stay collected and think objectively. Things may work out or they may not. Life is too short to dwell on someone that is noncommittal.
My comments might seem a bit harsh and just want to share my thoughts in case it triggers something constructive. Prior to him giving up, he was a loving and supportive bf/husband and you were able to be yourselves and pursue your career/dream, any chance you might have neglected his needs in this relationship? Not trying to put the blame on you, in a relationship, both parties have to have their needs met in order for the relationship to work out. It sounds like you are happy with him because your needs are met, what about him? He should’ve communicated these issues but he didn’t, so here you are. Counseling will help but only if he is willing to open up to talk about his needs, boundaries and realistically what you can do differently. And it will only help if you are willing to listen, acknowledge any wrongdoing on your part and commit to improve.
My SO and I have been doing counseling, in our case, I was the one wanting to decide whether I should stay, while I saw a lot of issues with our relationship, he didn’t. I’ve been very supportive and accommodating in this relationship, I’ve made lots of efforts and sacrifices, so of course he wants to stay in the relationship. What he didn’t understand was that it’s irrelevant to me how much he loves me and how he only wants to grow old with me. What I needed were whether my boundaries are respected, whether my needs are acknowledged and met, and whether I see enough hope and progress to stay. But at the end of the day, what’s critical is that we both want to be together enough that we are both willing to put the effort in. If I’ve never raised the issue and demanded counseling, I could have continued to suffer silently until the breaking point and lost all hope in the relationship. You need to find out where your husband is in term of the breaking point and assess whether there is still hope.
Ok , but is this someone you want as your husband ? What happens down the road ? Uncertainty ? Children ? Etc Only you can decide for settling in this type of relationship .
I wouldn’t give up , but counseling only helps if he is willing to work on it . With Covid situation I think is getting to a lot of people so one never knows . He shouldn’t be using you as a doormat tho
This sounds so hard and I’m sorry to hear you’re going through it. No one deserves to be treated this way. Even if things improved (which doesn’t sound likely based on his attitude), would you ever be able to trust him again? I don’t think I could be happy and settled in a relationship where my SO keeps things to himself for years and randomly gives up with no compassion. Who’s to say he won’t do it again in a few years?
You are probably lucky that this is coming out now, when you guys don’t have kids yet. As hard as it will be, moving on now and having another chance at a happy relationship is much better than being stuck with someone like this especially if there were kids as well.
I’m finding it hard to reconcile the two. One supportive and ever-loving and now this person who has no kindness. If I raise a concern outside of our counseling sessions the conversation devolves into him putting blame on me or saying he wants to leave this instant if I don’t give him space. I constantly feel like I’m walking on egg shells. The worst part is this is the first relationship where I thought I could truly be myself. Some of the issues he brought up were that while we were in a long distance relationship, he moved on and just didn’t tell me because it was hard to do everything by himself. He’s not attracted to me anymore. He has this one acquaintance that he is thinking of pursuing things with and has kept that person at arm’s length because of me. Some of the terrible things he’s said to be during arguments- that he doesn’t see us having children together. He hates me, hates hugging or kissing me. I don’t know where to go from here.
He has moved on mentally. You have to be strong and end it. He's probably struggling between getting out and calling it quits because he's scared of leaving you. Yes he threatens to do that all the time but is afraid to pull the trigger. Get a divorce counsellor and start preparing for it.
You NEED to end this BEFORE you have kids.
Look up avoidant. This person sounds avoidant. You trying harder will only push him away
I guess my question here is should I continue trying to make things work? Will they work? He says he’s willing to work on it when we talk to the counselor but if I say one thing wrong he’s ready to leave. His exact words are I will try till I have the energy to. So he can put an end to this at any point in time and I have no control over the situation or say in a relationship we have been equals in for 8 years.
No. Please go. I filed for divorce today and have had the same conversation with my husband for the past 2+ years. You deserve to be wanted and not to beg for someone’s attention. You are better than that. We poor women have standards so low it’s awful. Leave. If he wants you he’ll follow. It’s not your job to convince him you’re good enough.
No we don’t. We both did adopt a dog together and he is like our family.
Take the dog and gooooooooo
Yes he said he will if we separate. He says he’s not taken any action because he’s not that kinda person. I know this person and she’s definitely not interested in him. But he’s willing to put our relationship on the line for a maybe shot at this person.
I’m rly sorry that happened. I think you should end it. You can find and be with someone where you don’t feel like you are walking on egg shells all the time, someone who wants you in ever way. The person he was b4 isn’t the person he is anymore, and that’s okay. But life’s too short to feel how he makes you feel.
How do you PM on this? I’ve been off for a min. Let’s talk. Similar situation. Together 5, married 1. Can’t go on anymore I don’t think. Let’s commiserate over wine