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I'm 34 and in a very similar boat so you're definitely not alone. I have to remind myself that comparison is the thief of joy (even if we currently have little or no joy lol). Other people are on their own journeys and comparing mine to theirs is only going to make me spiral and feel bad about myself. I don't know what hurdles they have or have not had in life, I only know the ones I've faced. And when I think about it in that way, it's pretty impressive that I've made it as far as I have in spite of so many things that were beyond my control. Focus on and celebrate your wins. I know it's so much easier to focus on what feel like gaps or shortcomings or even failures, but truly, mindfully choosing not to will make an enormous difference. Wishing you the best; be proud of all you've accomplished in spite of all you've had to endure to get here ❤️
Rising Star
I'm so sorry you feel this way. To be fair, it's not you - it's society. We live in a really weird time where expectations are all over the place - the expectation for you to be real and authentic to who you are but still always have the most perfect PC thing to say, the expectation to look natural but also like a social media filter has been applied, the expectation to live life without inhibitions but still excel at being a daughter, sister, friend, girlfriend, wife, mother, colleague, boss, etc.
It's absolutely WILD. In any case, if you haven't been told today: you're awesome, you're doing great, and you've got a lot going for you! Also, take it one step at a time - whether that is pampering yourself with a mini spa treatment, making a nice meal, bingewatching your favorite show, or catching up on your latest read. Don't let the days pass you by! You've got one life to live - try to spend more time trying to tick your own boxes instead of everyone else's!
Rising Star
I'm guessing that you have always done the best you could with the circumstances you have had. We're all dealt different cards in life, throughout life, and we do the best we can with them based on what we know. There's not much else we can do, so please have compassion for yourself and gratitude to yourself for all the effort you put in to get where you are. There's no such thing as "behind" because it's your own journey and your own growth trajectory, not a race. If it were, collectively we'd all be winning anyway, just due to our standard of living.
Also, you're still young! Keep striving towards everything you want. One of my close friends met her husband at 35 and then had two kids before 40. She treated the search like a job and found what she wanted. Her two sisters did not. We can only control so much. Please give yourself some grace.
Rising Star
She used Bumble and met with 2-3 guys every evening as she was searching, had a couple of months-long relationships. She then met one guy in the wild and her now-husband on Bumble and was interested in both at the same time, but chose husband for long-term compatibility (religion, conventional job, etc.).
Keep in mind you are behind: many are divorced by 36. (Like me) Don’t compare yourself. If you’re satisfied with your life, live it. If not, change it. What do you want to do that’s new or different in your brand new year? Happy birthday, celebrate it with people who remind you how amazing you are and set your intention for the year ahead.
Got divorced at 36. No kids. Sold my house. Didn’t expect anything but made it a point to just live my life for me.
A year later met a new love, and fast forward 5 years we’re happy, have kids and a home - didn’t think that was in the cards- so I guess I’d say don’t focus on what you don’t have or what you lost. Light attracts light so just keep pushing and live for yourself. Pieces will fall into place when they’re meant to.
Conversation Starter
Turning 35 and feeling like the same. Quit my job, sold my house, have no idea what to do next but being so hopeful about the future
Be proud of yourself for already having bought AND sold a house! That’s big
Happy almost birthday! Just a reminder that 36 is still young. I had my kids at 36 and 38 and am definitely not the oldest of my friends to have kids - several had them at 40+. What is most important to you? An acquaintance of mine decided that if she was not married by late 30s, she would have kids on her own. She had her first at 40, second at 42, and her youngest at 45. It is not a path I would have chosen, but it is what she wanted and she is quite happy.
The combination of three kids close in age AND as a single parent! I had two under two with a super hands on husband and I still barely remember the first six months after having my youngest because I was so exhausted.
This was me. Did my best to enjoy life and what my high earnings could provide.
Fast forward. Baby as a solo Mom at 42. Life is crazy but amazing. You are not too old. Enjoy what you have. Understanding that if you are like me what you really want is a partner and family….you have plenty of time to creat a family. But moping about what you don’t have isn’t good for you or for achieving that goal. Try something new break out of a rut. It’s hard. There isn’t an easy fix and no one can do it for you but there is an amazing life out there for you.
Visual Storyteller
Thanks for sharing and I agree! If you don’t mind me asking, did you decide to have a baby as a single parent?
Conversation Starter
If any are in Chicago - would love to meet up for a lunch sometime soon
Advanced Happy Birthday! If you are in the DMV area, happy to meet and celebrate you. I’m Asian, 45, married and with no kids. And I hear too that I missed out. Seems like there will always be folks around to tell you why you are not living up to their expectations.
As others have said, you are awesome! Figure out what you want and work on getting it.
Turning 33 in a couple of months and feel the same, feel stuck. I don’t think I’m THAT undesirable or unattractive but somehow the guys I want (including the ones I considered settling for) just didn’t want me back. With career - I just always feel left behind and everyone else seems to have an advocate for them, but for me it’s always “she needs to do more” even if I’m already doing 1000x more than others (plus trauma from previous bad bosses).
I am sure eventually I will meet the right person and get the right promotion and things will fall into place and I’ll feel happy when that happens, but right now the waiting game sucks. And part of it is a family issue I’m dealing with that I don’t know how to escape, but part is just bad luck / bad timing.
Nothing in my life changed until it reached a threshold of irksomeness. Until it bothered me so much, that I couldn’t live another day with the way things are. Then I’d go change them no matter what. Find what that level is for you and make that happen.
Visual Storyteller
If anyone wants to meet up in NYC 🙌, I am also on the same boat!
Turning 37 this year and not where I thought I would be 10 yrs ago on how I imagined my late 30s would be. Different perspective is required. Now I think I’m not doing too bad. Just keep swimming.
I’m the same boat as you. Eldest Asian daughter turning 35. No romantic prospects in sight. Never married, no kids. Starting from the bottom in a new industry. And I’m fat. I’m so sad.
Pro
Because you want something you don’t have, or living up to societal norms?
Largely stems from family and constantly being reminded that I’m unmarried. I’m Asian and people in my culture view you in a negative way if you are single in your 30s. Most of the time I’m good at tuning it, but comments hurt when I hear “she’s old now, who will marry her?” Or when my parents remind me that I missed out on my opportunity to get married because I didn’t entertain the guys they try to set me up with.