How do you guys stop lawyering your spouse after a 12-hour shift? I caught myself cross-examining my husband about the grocery list last night like he was a hostile witness on the stand. It’s like I can’t turn off the critical analysis brain once I leave the office, and it’s starting to take a toll on my personal life. I’m exhausted, he’s annoyed, and I just want to be a normal person again for a few hours.

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Posting as :
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Your only other option is combat with weapons.

likefunny

When was the last time you and your husband had a proper date night?

likesmart

Some of this is unavoidable. When she was five my daughter asked me how much I earned as a lawyer. After I bobbed and weaved for awhile she squared up on two feet, put one hand on her hip, pointed at me with the other and growled (sort of) “That’s NOT my question daddy. I want you to ANSWER MY QUESTION.” She’s now 29 and while she’s not a lawyer she’s unquestionably her father’s child.

Two suggestions. First, try to self monitor and when you catch yourself lawyering immediately apologize and give him a kiss. Even the acknowledgment will make both of you feel better.

Second, try to separate work from home, physically and emotionally. I know it’s hard when you’re busy but he and your home should be a refuge from work, not a branch office. Conceiving them that way helped me observe boundaries.

I also second the date nights, especially if you have kids. Get a nice meal and a hotel room and leave your phone at home for 12 hours. My wife and I dated every Friday for years after we got married and it made a huge difference.

likefunny

Teacher 1, are you on this bowl too?!

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I never had this problem. For me, lawyering is all theatrics. We are all BSing each other's pretending we all have bigger kahonas than the next person. When I come home, I'm not trying to compete. I'm not trying to prove a point to anyone. My partner is my partner. My child is my child. That's it.

likesmart

Therapy. Definitely individual therapy but couples/family if needed. Don’t be the reason your spouse and kids are miserable.

I’ve been in therapy a while but when I started working with my current therapist 5 years ago I was at an inflection point in my career. I had just became a father and was struggling with workaholism as an M&A attorney. Definitely lawyered my wife and the hours were awful and not conducive to a healthy family.

Working with this therapist helped me realign my workaholic tendencies and become a more present father and husband. With his help I also made a career change and went in house which made a huge difference, including leading to my sobriety. Have 3 kids now and plan on another for early next year.

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This has honestly never been an issue for me. After a long day, the last thing I want to do is continue to think about work. I’d suggest learning how to compartmentalize—it really helps you leave work at work.

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Low dose seroquel and wellbutrin

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I’d hire a divorce attorney if your plan is to
keep “cross-examining” your spouse. Unreal.

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Any advice and past experiences in such career shit?

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Partners - Do you ever take vacations?

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