I know we've all been there. That seemingly innocent question, "When are you having kids?" It's the absolute worst for me. My husband and I have been trying for years, and it just feels like a constant reminder of what we don't have. I dread family gatherings and social events because I know it's coming. How do you respond without breaking down?

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I try to be patient at first, because i think some older generations use it as an ice breaker. I’ll say whenever we feel like the time is right. If they persist in continuing the conversation then I’ll say actually we’ve had two miscarriages and we’re in the trenches of infertility. Would you like to know how expensive the meds are too? I always try to lead with patience and if it doesn’t work, honesty makes them uncomfortable and they’re sorry they didn’t mind their own business 😂

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I love this!

"I dont know, when are you having sex next? Oh, thats an inappropriate question? Hmmm interesting."

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For family events, is there someone that you trust who could tell other family members not to bring it up? I distinctly remember one family event being lectured to and given a hard time in front of a huge group that we needed to hurry up and decide to have kids because I was so far behind all the other cousins (we were in the middle of our 3rd round of IVF at the time).

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Ugh this is so hard because people want to be in your business.

First, I would figure out with your partner where the line is. Are you sharing anything? Are you sharing that you’re trying? Or is it just “that’s in the cards right now, but if that changes, I’ll send you the link to the registry first!” Kind of a thing.

My husband and I have always been “not for us” and we just left it at that. Behind the scenes, we’ve been doing IVF.

Second, I wouldn’t use family events as a place to have any discrete conversation. In my family, people brigade on conversations so nothing is private. Maybe yours is different?

Third, be gentle with yourself. Maybe you need a strong boundary with people, and that’s okay! Even if it feels uncomfortable.

After about 5 years of telling people it wasn’t happening, they stopped asking

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It depended on how quickly I wanted to end the conversation. Sometimes I’d say “we have actually been trying for X years now and hope we are blessed soon” and sometimes I’d say something bland like “just waiting on god’s timing” - and then occasionally I’d lie and change the subject, and say something like “we aren’t sure about the timing yet. Anyway, how was your vacation last week?”

Hugs though, this is a tough one.

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