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Cause of death - Waiting for the response from HR
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No. I’d just start strategically making my exit. to a new job.
That is classic gaslighting, narcissistic probably psychopathic behavior. There’s no “calling them out”. Just get out.
I just founded a nonprofit in the background and plan on building it to move in as the ED so I can leave my current job. My boss is set to retire in about 9 months, so I’m trying to stick it out. It’s just so frustrating, she doesn’t even ask what is happening, she just makes assumptions and accusations.
Honestly start looking for a new job. Your boss is not a good leader. She’s not going to change.
I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. I am going through something with my own boss right now and when I brought things up he only retaliated. I somewhat agree with the comments above - your skills and value are best utilized somewhere where you will be respected and appreciated. I’m at the point I have documented my situation with HR so that there is at least record of the situation and it builds a trail should anyone else encounter this behavior in the future. I’m still waiting to see if HR will act on my situation directly though. It all comes down to if the company feels they are at risk. If they think a leader is a legal liability you may have more power than you realize.
I recently when through a similar situation. It was difficult to endure for a year so please be kind to yourself in the coming months as you stick around. I’ll commend you for going to HR and trying to improve the situation for the next person. In my case, as HR, I reported the multiple complaints about the behavior to start an investigation. Eventually I was fired to stop the investigation from proceeding. There is now hopefully enough for the company to realize that their leader is a legal liability (CEO). Retaliation is one of the easiest legal sides to prove and unfortunately the leader is not making decisions best for the organization. All that to say is that you will probably endure more in the next few months as there is something about you taking the high road that will make them more irate and irrational. Wishing you comfort and peace!
I would probably come back to it with my manager, but only because she's got a history of treating me fairly and giving me the benefit of the doubt. I take serious issue when my integrity is called into question, and my boss knows that's a hot issue for me, so I think she would expect me to say something. If it had been nothing but issues with her for 2 years, I'd be looking for a new role, either internally or at another company.
If you want to try to stick it out til she's gone, everything like this is going to be a decison. Anything can be a fight if it's worth it to you. Is this the hill you want to die on?
I have a different viewpoint than the others comments here. People are busy and overwhelmed and may be honestly absent minded about who was or wasn’t in various meetings. I wouldn’t “push back” but just very straightforward and without emotion state the facts in writing- I wasn’t in the meeting x/x date where this was discussed and am not familiar with it. Would you like to find additional time to brief me in on it?
I can appreciate this view point. I think I am feeling a bit conflicted because this is her MO. She often makes statements as facts and often accuses. For example, she will state I need to not care if people like me, I asked her for an example so I could analyze my behaviors and understand better and she couldn’t give me an example. There was a day we had one extra staff member off because her dad’s funeral was happening. Instead of talking to me about why too many staff members were off, she then went on to discuss her anger about it with a supervisor who is my direct report and then went on to passively say to me “we need to be better about watching staffing.”
It has been like this for the entire 2 years I’ve been under her.
No! She’ll still find a reason to blame you. Get a new job asap!
This happened to me and almost killed my career because my nature is to give people the benefit of the doubt and I didn’t address until it was almost too late. Would typically agree with Director 3 but your situation sounds very much like mine - a toxic, narcissistic manager who will not accept responsibility for anything. This kind of behavior is pathological and won’t change so recommend you document every interaction and start looking for a new job ASAP.
Let it go
I just left a toxic work place due to my bosses behaviour - they are also most likely retiring in Q1 of 2024. I couldn't wait I planned my exit strategy. I took the first job I was offered knowing it isn't permanent but just an out.
I've had this more than once including a time where my boss was the one to make a decision on something because I was out on maternity leave and when I returned from maternity leave she told me that I was the one who made the mistake before I went out. I see you started a new business so just stick it out as long as you can and just let it go, it's not worth it to point it out at this point as long as it is not going to put you under any kind of HR related review
If you think they realized it was their misstep, not yours - just leave it alone. Nothing good comes from shaming your boss. Assume the positive and move on. However be safe and document for your own notes.
If you think it was purposeful, document document document! If it’s repetitive, engage HR for assistance. Perhaps you can move to a new manager. If not, it may be time to look elsewhere:
HR will not assist, even with documentation, even at the most progressive of companies. I’d still report it, but know that at that point you’re going to have to move on.
Coach
So I read your follow up comments and since she is hopefully on her way out, I would just increase your own note taking. Dates, times, direct quotes, record meetings if you can. Be so on top of it that if she tries to throw you under the bus, you have great evidence.
It sucks to have to live with this much detail, but it keeps people from trying it on with you.
She needs to be held accountable. Period.
Call her out, say she’s weird, laugh and walk away. “Didn’t that get cancelled anyways, you’re weird for this whole conversation.” Then let it go!