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Retake
I laughed. But surely these firms can be ranked.
With those firms, I'd go with the group that seems the most stable and has the most interesting work. If you're looking to use one of these firms as a stepping-stone into a higher-ranked firm, I think those firms are all fairly equal, so the practice group and how you specialize will matter most long term.
I would still look at group stability and go with the group with the least attrition with the practice focus that most closely aligns to where you see yourself long-term, as well as the general feel of the personalities, because at the end of the day who you work with makes the biggest difference in quality of life. Look into PEP and PPP if you want to eventually make partner - all of that info for the AmLaw 200 is now published. If I had to rank those firms, I'd probably go with (1) Akerman (2) Dorsey (3) Thompson (4) Baker Donelson, but they're all pretty close in my book with no clear outlier.