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It’s okay to remind them that just because you’re capable of juggling a lot doesn’t mean you should have to. Balance takes effort from both sides.
It isn’t “help.” It is a base expectation of partnership.
Totally. But I think women should coach their male partners if they don't understand that better. And I think we should all have patience with each other. We're radically different than our parents' generations, already doing so much more to have equal partnerships. I think teaching each other how to *help* (even if that's not the right word for it) is essential
Wives without kids at home don’t get paid for most of that either. Remove childcare and add “parent care” and you’ve got a lot more people as well.
I don’t know what to say other than making expectations clear that in our house, every adult has responsibility for making sure things get done. The mental load has always fallen to me – tracking doctors appointments and recitals and when the kids had big tests - but my husband absolutely drove kids places before they could drive, including taking off work if necessary, makes meals, does laundry and dishes, etc. It wasn’t an even load because I was the one who tracked what people needed, but that’s a fit for my personality, so that was fine with me. But I didn’t have to tell him when household tasks needed to be finished or any of that BS. He could see them for himself.
I will say that for many years, I handled getting gifts for everyone, including my husband’s family, and organized all trips to see his parents (including even suggesting that they happen). I love gift shopping (it’s definitely a big “love language” for me), so I didn’t mind, and I generally love planning travel of any sort. However, I started to feel resentful of that after a number of years of marriage because I had so much going on just with our nuclear family, so I have stopped taking care of it the past few years and left my husband’s family’s gifts to him and any trip planning. They get much less thoughtful gifts now and rarely see us, but that is up to him.
Clearly state what’s needed - equal partnership
Oh I just posted about this. My partner’s 20-something boys are coming to town for the holidays and there was tension last night about the unmade bed I asked for help with after doing 3 bedrooms of laundry in prep for their coming. This after I took time to get ready for his company’s holiday dinner where I got to be around people he complained about incessantly.
He and I have been living together for a year and it’s amazing to me how quickly we fell into traditional roles of me doing a majority of the housework (even with an occasional housekeeper that I arranged primarily for him)
He doesn’t seem to care to take care of much around the house, and when he does anything he makes a big deal of it.
I don’t want to grow to resent him, but I’m missing my life of living alone and seeing him on weekends
We are both entrepreneurs with busy jobs, although I’ve managed to save a lot more than him and I’m ready to retire. He is spendy and lives paycheck to paycheck, I don’t want to subsidize his housekeeping or deal with his passive aggressiveness about the way I load the dishwasher.
I needed this rant. Thank you for giving me the opportunity.
My tip is what I did with my husband: Hire help and split the cost! He makes twice what I make and pays for 2/3rd of the cost. If he feels like saving he has to pick up the slack. I never feel like saving when it comes to housework so I never even suggest skipping a service. Turns out he is now used to me being happy and relaxed in a nicely organized and clean home as opposed to stressed out! Everyone seems to judge me and calls me a princess or a bad wife, but guess who has more energy to be a present wife, who makes it to all the work and family events in time and looking good, and who helps out her community by offering cleaning, gardening and dog walking/sitting jobs?