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Many of us accept that we are the primary care provider for children, calendar events managers, school contacts, food prep planners, childcare finders, emotional supporters, homemakers, and much more. But is doing it all part of the reason mothers are so tired and depressed? Can we imagine what “better” looks like?
I made it very clear with my partner that if we bring children into the picture he would have to step up and share those responsibilities. I think before we can expect work to make changes it needs to also start at home and ensure that our partners are sharing the load. Admittedly, I probably still handle 60% of the mental load since I’m planning birthday parties and scheduling doctors appointments (we have a medically fragile kid), but I also know that I can easily say to my partner “I have a meeting I can’t miss on Wednesday, but X has a Dr appointment, you got this?” And he will rearrange his schedule to make sure he can take our child. I believe this has also made him a better manager as he understands we have to pick up the kids by 5 and bedtime routines are sacred in our family. We have two kids and we each take a kid for bedtime. So as a result neither of us,m have these outrageous expectations of our teams to be working these hours. I know being a mom has made me a better manager and I believe it’s made my partner one too. But I think it starts with ensuring that both parents are stepping up to understand that need and be protective of that space. Yes, there are times when I’m exhausted and feel like I’m still bearing the brunt, but I’ve found that I just have to talk to my partner and he makes an effort to help more at home where I’m struggling.
Also, I recognize the privilege in this that we are a two parent household and it’s not the same for single parent homes. But I do still believe that by expecting my spouse to step up, he’s set an example for his friends and his employees. Because he understood the need to leave work by a certain time to pick up kids, make dinner and then bedtime, he actually encouraged his employees to do the same.
Also, during my interview at my new job I made it very clear to every one in every level that unless it’s an emergency, I do not work from the hours of 5-9pm. That is my time with my family and if it was a problem, this would not work for us. I actually found that everyone was very receptive and for the most part has respected it.
Maybe it’s idealism, but I think that’s how we start to fix things. By telling our partners and work our boundaries and expectations too.
Absolutely but I also think we men need to start up and be a part of the equation as well. Not just in terms of picking up slack at home but being a part of the solution in setting reasonable work boundaries and being an example of demonstrating healthier work life balance as well. Without them also getting on board women are likely to continue to be penalized for trying to forge this path
I sure do.