Fellow fish - I'm trying to figure out whether to have kids or not. I see all the downsides... Losing sleep, flexibility, money, quiet hours... And it's not clear to me if the upsides overcompensate the downsides. I wonder how other people approached this to come up with their decision

I cannot in good consciousness recommend that anyone have kids. Your life becomes about them even when they reach an age of independence. It’s a never ending task. Your dreams are placed on hold and if they aren’t you feel mom guilt. Do I regret mine? NO! Do they aggravate me? YES! Would I have done it differently? YES!

Umm.. interesting! Let me put it this way.... can you trade of your mental wellbeing with anything else? No... correct? Imagine for a moment... once you back home, you know someone will run and shower her/his unconditional love to you... you'll feel rejuvaneted in a jiffy! Your tiring morning will be fresh and happy in no time, as you wake up next to a happy face of your li'll one!

You've a job, you're married.... so you already have taken responsibilities and capable of it! Why not kids?

Think of it more as a journey where you discover and unlock more about yourself than you ever imagined. It will be difficult, it will be frustrating, & it will wear you down—but its rewards are unmatched! Are you OK with never experiencing these rewards? A new job, a fat 401k, a nice vacation… those are “nice” but they don’t rival what it is to raise your own tribe in your vision.

Also, when people talk about “downsides,” I think about the legacy we leave behind. How much is it worth to you to have your values, principles, and memories carried on? Without kids, when you leave this world, all of that goes with you and the values etc. of others live on to shape the future of our world. That’s a bigger downside than any sleepless night or loss of “paper”.

So yes, execute on your superpower as a human on this tiny spec of dirt we call “Mother” earth, which lives amongst the endless stars & ever expanding universe 💥

It’s part of your destiny and purpose! 🚀

It’s hard to trust those that don’t have kids, there’s just no substitute for the joy and happiness. My wife and I spent the first 7yrs w/o so we had plenty of time to ourselves. Kids help you experience true/unconditional love….for about 9-10yrs, then the love turns conditional, haha, then it turns nonexistent for a few years, then it comes back again!
So heck ya, make little humans, do your best to make them better than you.

All the emotional benefits mentioned here aside , I was astonished by my personal growth since I had a kid. I did things I was afraid of , just to not let my fear get to my kid. I became more empathetic for other people around me, esp my colleagues which helped a lot in the team dynamics. So there are unknown benefits like this which you can never get in a pro /con list. Trust me I did the same weighing before I had mine and the benefits have surpassed than I imagined.

All downsides whatever you’ve mentioned are absolutely true. However when you’ll hold your kid 1st time in your lap, when your kid will walk 1st time, when your kid will say mumma/pappa 1st time, when your kid will graduate 1st time, and there are N number of experiences like these you’ll have, that time the inner happiness you’re going to experience cannot be compared with any happiness in the world.

Even a dog can live it’s own life for itself whole life but we human are only species in the universe who can live for other lives whole life.

You can be a candle who can lit another candle otherwise a candle can burn itself and end its life.

Having kids or not shouldn’t be a decision. There are people who never wanted kids but are now living happily with theirs. It’s a blessing to have kids but if you don’t have it, life doesn’t stop there.

My wife and I said we would have kids in 5 years. We had that conversation about 4 times in 10 years when we both said at the same time what if we don't?

No kids for us, our friends with kids are often jealous.
Works for us.

There’s no real upside other than the warm and fuzzy emotional stuff. Well there’s the tax benefits if you qualify but that doesn’t make up for the actual cost of raising a kid (financial, emotional, physical). Love my daughter to pieces, but we’re stopping at 1 as I haven’t been able to justify why we NEED to have a second. Folks will talk about the only child loneliness but its tough to balance work with raising kids. Good help costs $$$ and the folks wanting you to have more kids certainly aren’t putting their money where their mouth is.

That’s a very personal decision. All I can say is that you will not regret it if you do, but you probably will regret it if you don’t.

Not saying you do not have to give up freedom and flexibility, but hands down most rewarding and amazing thing in my life. I’d give up everything for my baby. Super irrational and I get it, but kids are fulfillment beyond anything in my career or other successes. If you have a happy marriage and support, you would be crazy not to have kids. Timing is the question. We waited until early 30s. Trade off with less energy but more money. I love being a dad and would leave partner track to be with my family. Would never have imagined saying that before kids

What did you determine with your spouse prior to marriage?

Spouse and I are 20 years together this year, kids are 7 and 2.5. We always felt we wanted kids, but were in no rush and simply reached a point where we agreed to stop trying not to have kids.

And it’s awesome - we’re in a great place financially, allowing us to comfortably afford childcare and their activities, as well as a social life for ourselves. I miss the freedom we had before kids and the years after our first was born was truly terrifying and most challenging year of our marriage - but I wouldn’t swap it for anything.

I wanted kids. My wife wanted kids. Boom.

It’s really a simple question at the end of the day. All that you mention is part and parcel of having children.

My husband and I were on the fence for years about kids. We knew it would be a lot of work and I just didn’t know if I wanted to commit. Ultimately, I decided I might regret NOT having them but few regret having them (at least no one openly admits to it lol).

They are a TON of work, so you really need to decide if you’re up for the challenge or not. That’s a truly personal decision.

Now our daughter is 2.5 and we are in the trenches of toddlerhood. It’s exhausting and everything in our life has changed. The downsides are everything you said and so much more… but honestly I am so glad we did it.

It sounds cliche, I know I heard it a thousand times when I was in the “never having kids” era, but they really do give you so much more purpose in life. It’s amazing to watch them grow and develop little personalities.

Now we are back on the fence about having two or being one and done lol.

Go to therapy to help decide