Fighting with wife a lot about who is taking care of the baby, who is doing more, etc. I actually thought I did a lot yesterday and I’m up early with the baby every day.

OP, I get how you feel, you are doing so much. You are doing your best and she doesn’t see it. Almost as if you being taken for granted. Its hard enough to balance career and the stress that comes with it. To the extent you feel like nothing makes her happy and pleases her. That must feel frustrating and exhausting. However, How does she feel? What is going through her mind? What are her doubts and fears in the marriage and as a mother? Best thing that could have happened in my marriage was when we learned to “seek first to understand then be understood”. Seems like you have great suggestions you have offered her, but she likely doesn’t want you to solve her problems. She like all people want to be understood and validated, and to do that you need to have a conversation with her in which you are looking to understand her not solve her issues. In your description it seems like you are doing all the right things for her as a mother, however what about for as her spouse and friend. Maybe she needs that connection with you. Wish you the best, been seeing a therapist for years, and best thing we could have done for our marriage.

I’m sure part of the issue is covid fatigue. She hasn’t been leaving the house much, no vacations, we have no fun, etc.

I keep encouraging her to get out and do stuff or talk to her friends/family on chat but she doesn’t really do anything to make that stuff happen so I have just been forcing her to leave the house once a day and go to target etc.

The week days are fine as we have a routine. But she’s just pissed all the time on the weekends.

In addition to encouraging her to go out more regularly and do zoom chats more often, I encouraged her to organize a trip with her friends for like March and I would watch the kids for a weekend. And she said she would think about it, but mostly comes up with reasons not to.

I encouraged her to find a weekend sitter or helper but she’s coming up with reasons not to. In fact she comes up with reasons not to do pretty much everything i suggest.

I am getting kind of annoyed. She is so mean and so belittling sometimes. I feel like I’m doing so much and trying to talk to her, support her, take the lead on things around the house, offer options and solutions, many of which cause me extreme discomfort or inconvenience.

I’m sure most of the fathers out there aren’t doing nearly as much as I am. Most of the dads I know are playing golf or watching football all weekend. Working for 2-3 hours a day, etc. I arrange my schedule so I’m 100% available to my family all weekend.

I realize it’s not necessarily about taking care of the children as she says it is. But waking up early every day, doing so much around the house all weekend, watching the kids, cleaning, cooking.. and the prospect of watching the kids for a weekend alone is not very appealing. She has never done or offered something like this for me.

Anyways I know things will get better eventually (covid ends, kids get older, etc) but I’m wondering if anyone has any suggestions for us?

OP, I am exact same as your wife so let’s explore the other side. My wife does most of the heavy lifting and I used to be pissed off most of the times. You are right it’s covid fatigue, lack of going out and even personal factors that are getting magnified due to continuing wfh. I didn’t like my wife telling me to do something (even take time away) and I did give her a lot of crap/fight. I felt my wife and kids are a team and she has the martyr syndrome. I felt I was neglected and no one values my contributions. All these things kept bubbling up and weekends were a mess. My wife maneuvered it delicately, and after a few outbursts I started realizing there is something wrong. I figured the only thing I can change is me. I explored therapy (it was a game changer), meditation and used some alone time. The best thing my wife did was give me alone time by taking the kids for extended walks- that me time gave me time to reflect a lot. I do think it’s a journey and not a quick fix as I do have some childhood paternal neglect issues that are bubbling up due to cooping up. Still a work in progress 😊🙃

@OP- the pandemic’s definitely been rough on everyone. Try to be extra patient and empathetic with your wife.

Also consider consulting a doctor about her behavior. Some women have post-partum behavior or related issues that come up later. If she’s breastfeeding, breastfeeding mothers are under a lot of additional pressure and also sometimes have stress issues.

In terms of advice, I would strongly suggest changing your overall perspective and mindset. When it comes to parenting, there is no “doing your share” and “doing my share”. Don’t compare how much you do vs. how much she does. It’s not a competition nor is it a hourly job you clock in and out of. It’s the BOTH of you, BOTH 💯% all time. Work as a team.

That said, you definitely can and SHOULD get more help as soon as possible. Line up full time nannies to interview and work together to approve one on a trial basis.

Therapy. Seriously. One for her and one for both of you as a couple. It’s all the rage these days.

Kids aged 2 and 3 for me. The pandemic has been pretty terrible on mental health and our relationship in general. Short tempers, exhausted, etc. We recently started talking to a therapist that was originally about how to cope with behavioural kids stuff but has morphed in basically parent therapy. It’s really helped. Something to consider if it’s an option though i know it’s not always possible.

/I get it. Also have 0 life outside of work and kids. It takes a toll

it's not a competition.. folks see it as 50 50.. nope... sometimes one carries the load more than the other... Sometinws thats just how it is because some have the capacity for more.. Other times, the pendulum swings the other way. It's never going to be even... Its gonna be ok OP. Hang in there.. For reference, I I five kids under 10...

Some great advice here. I have a 2.5 year old. We both wfh but we are able to get my mother in law to come help out for 2-3 days per week and that has been a life saver.

Thanks for this. Yes I love this advice. Thank you fishbowl. Ha my friends were basically telling me to stop trying so hard :)

We have 3 kids under 6. We have a full time nanny during the week from 7-7 and my wife does not work. She’s also 15 years younger than me. I’m in my early 50s. So, many of my friends have older kids and/or weren’t as involved in their children’s day to day when they were young.

Focusing on OUR relationship is something we actually have talked about. But the urgency of everything else just sort of doesn’t allow it. We used to dine out a lot, take really great (but quick) trips almost every month, got to concerts etc.. pre covid. We have stopped a lot of this. We do hang out most evenings for an hour or two, have dinner just the two of us, watch shows and our intimacy is great as far as I’m concerned.

Yes there is some jealousy. She may think that everything is easier for me, the kids like me more, I’m more fun, she does all the tough stuff like making them do homework, wear certain clothes, sit a certain way, eat certain foods, etc. I’m more willing to cut corners on things that I don’t think are important. She takes comfort in following rules and then gets into lots of conflict with the children (and me) when they don’t comply.

I get this conflict. She and our nanny have the responsibility for the kids all week and do things a certain way with them. Then I come in and mix things up.

As far as therapy, maybe that is a good suggestion as well. Any recommendations on how to find a good one? I guess it’s all virtual now so location doesn’t matter

OP, two suggestions—you seem like you do a lot and genuinely seeking help. Let me share a couple suggestions

1) Consider “doing” vs. “suggesting” or “encouraging”. Instead of encouraging her to go out more, perhaps you can set up a date. Instead of encouraging her to find a weekend sitter, find it and have them come work. Bonus point if you combine the weekend sitter and date idea. Point is, sometimes people need you to show them than vs. tell them. Esp. so if people are stuck with a perspective that they are not getting help they need (which seems to be where your wife is at), which may be due to actions / inactions on your end from times past. They say actions speak louder for a reason.

2) Consider posting your question on the women bowl. The perspective you get her is helpful coming from people who’s been in your shoes. But getting perspectives from folks who’s been in her shoes also helpful. In some sense they are your target audience

Yes! I love therapy. I’ve never done couples. I’m sure that’s a game of getting the therapist to agree with you.

I'm just amazed you're managing to do that much. I have no solutions or advice, but you have my sympathy.

It doesn't matter how evenly you split the load if partners are focused on counting coup, then both will lose