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You’re not alone. I’ve been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, depression and ADHD. It’s really hard.
ADHD (severe). Then likely depression, and my medication makes it hard for me to socialize with people at work. So I have I guess accepted I will be isolated everywhere I work unless I make a dramatic change in the type of work. It is very lonely. And my inability to handle this job sometimes even with medication makes me feel very bad about myself.
I don’t like socializing with anyone. Then a therapist mentioned “masking” (in a negative connotation and wanted to make sure I wasn’t doing it).
“Wait, you can pretend to be someone different? With different traits and characteristics? Wouldn’t it be a whole heck of a lot easier to create a new character and just be them during work, than it would to spend the years to make a change to who I really am?”
She was horrified, doubly so when my ADHD-goblin brain seized onto that idea and made it a game. I’ve been doing it ever since getting 3x the work done with 3x less stress.
I can’t tell you why, but that psychological shift was GAME-CHANGER (more so than adderall!)
Bipolar 1. Told my supervising partner my dx in 2018 and was told to consider resigning and forced to come to the office by 8:30 every morning even though no one else did. I don’t now, but had issues with sleep back then. (Though I never missed a morning hearing and was billing a 2100 pace.) This was the main catalyst for an episode in early 2019. Attempted to report discriminition to the state but was discouraged by a state agent phone interview (they couldn’t grasp what the issue was) and I dropped it. Supervisor gave me virtually no work for 3 1/2 years and I had to scrape for hours from others. Had two more episodes in large part due to feeling useless/hopeless at work (multiple stressors lead to an episode but poor future prospects at work was major). You might think why not leave, but at least they let me keep my job so it’s the devil I know and I don’t want to deal with going somewhere new and risking a worse outcome. mid-2023 things pick up because a lot of attorneys left the firm and I basically had several chances to “prove myself” which I did not get before. A lot of day saving and fire extinguishing. Billed 2400+ two years in a row and made partner this year. Meanwhile, others have gotten out from under the thumb of my supervising partner because he is blatantly doing as little work as possible, and failing at managing his group and cases. Consequences have included not having experts for trial, other major deadlines like viable MSJ’s not getting timely filed, a malpractice lawsuit against a former associate, and invoices with his BS billing entries going to clients. I finally got out from under his thumb this year in what was a very stressful 2 weeks where he emailed/called me every day for two weeks pretending to be concerned about “upcoming trials” which would have taken him 30 seconds to find out had been continued (also I sought out help from other trial counsel).
I do like the work despite all that. And I write a lot of poetry.
Super impressive that you made partner despite those obstacles. How do attorneys like your supervising partner not get sacked? I worked with a partner like this and couldn’t take it anymore. My mental health was too important so I walked away from BigLaw.
ADHD, depression, and anxiety. Got the alcoholism bit under control for now. Take care of yourself, friend.
Same here. Replying to say that cutting the alcohol out has made things better.
If you're eligible (and in the US), look into intermittent FMLA leave (you may be able to take job protected leave), short term disability benefits, and ADA accommodations. There may be something formal through your job's benefit programs that can help you.
Lifelong depression and anxiety, largely under control via medication and therapy but I have my moments. This job gets so overwhelming. Also somewhat recently have been unofficially diagnosed with ADHD (therapist suspects but not their specialty so haven’t yet been formally tested) and realizing it affects me in ways I’m still learning about. Also have a chronic pain condition, so life’s a bowl of cherries over here. 😂
Bipolar and ADHD here. Everyday is a new day with new challenges. You are not alone. Having a good therapist and support network goes a long way. Hang in there!
You're not alone. I have anxiety disorder and suffer panic attacks from time to time. If you are able to access Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) I can't recommend it highly enough. You'll learn actionable and practical strategies for identifying triggers and taking care of yourself in the moment. It was designed for individuals with BPD but is really for anyone who struggles to manage tough emotions and stress. Anyway, please know you're not alone and take care of yourself!
In addition to meds, DBT and CBT, I’ve found my current firm to be a lot less triggering. I was at two big firms before moving to a small firm that is remote. I was a contract attorney first and then came on FT. So that was good to see if I liked it. I’m not overloaded and it is better than dealing with multiple personalities (I’m supervised by a single owner). There’s still issues since we’re in a field where the standard is perfection and litigation is inherently stressful but it’s more manageable for me. Working from home is better for me because of decreased in person interactions and increased comfort. Also it helps me bill more. A 20 minute commute is like 2-3 hours in missed billing for me.
I also have bipolar and gen anxiety disorder. I have so been there. I used to manage the business aspects of a small firm, so I handled everything financial, HR, admin, etc, plus paralegal work. Unfortunately, it was a very toxic place because personnel was poorly handled by the managing partner and one attorney was allowed to be abusive to the staff and other attorneys. I felt very tied to the firm, but also very trapped. Ultimately, for my mental health, I decided to take a leave of absence and go on disability to deal with the PTSD of working in such an abusive environment. I worked with my therapist and my psychiatrist to process. (I also had personal reasons both for staying and for legitimately hating the managing partner-buy me a beer some time and I’ll give you an earful 😉.) Taking that time off was the only way I could start to get my head straight and deal with the serious anxiety and emotional rollercoaster. It was ultimately the best thing I could have done for myself. It gave me the gift of a reset. While I was on leave, I was laid off. I’m back in the workforce now at another firm where the work isn’t my favorite but the people are just genuinely lovely. My mental health is much steadier and I’m less frazzled.
What I’m saying is that sometimes it’s necessary to step back and reevaluate. It gives our brains a chance to recharge and reset. It does get better. Hugs to you
ADHD and anxiety. You’re not alone, a lot of attorneys have mh issues, most just struggle in isolation.
You are not alone.
One of my classmates was bipolar, and she washed out after her first year. Personally, I would not want to be represented in a serious case by someone who was so mentally challenged. I’ve known of a couple of attorneys in DC with serious mental health issues who lost their licenses to practice. Practicing law is all about the clients and their best interests.
Pro
Hi 👋 Attorney here with diagnosed OCD and also possibly undiagnosed ADHD. Therapy helps. I also struggled with panic attacks for a long time and Buspirone really helped with that - with therapy I don’t need it anymore but would take it again if I felt I did.
You’re not alone. ADHD and anxiety with a really late circadian rhythm. The only thing keeping me going is the flexibility of post-covid office norms. Love hybrid work. Some days when I’m feeling off, I just open up my laptop top and work from bed with my dogs nearby as I play relaxing music in the background. I honestly couldn’t not leave in a world with mandatory 5 day per week office work.
Self care is important.
I see this a lot—a lot. And in my role, I see a lot of associates struggling. Group therapy or support groups sound icky and embarrassing but they save lives. I second DBT also—they can be quite intensive though so you have to make the team or take a LOA. I’ve dealt with associates and partner suicides so please, please get treatment. And not all firms are the same. If you take a LOA, your doctor can put in the paperwork that you have a serious condition without naming it. California in particular has a lot of employee privacy protections—move if you have to.. good luck to all!
Join your state's local chapter of LHL / Lawyers Helping Lawyers. I've heard it is great for this kind of community 🙂
Hi, I am a foreign-trained lawyer and have been looking for a paralegal/legal assistant job for about a month now. I've had so many rejections, but in the event that I get a job offer and get to work at a firm or any setting for that matter, do you think it would be okay for me to ask my colleagues if they have certain emotional or mental challenges?
I just want to be sensitive to my surroundings, and I just want to be able to know if asking is respectful or otherwise.
Okay. I am glad I asked about this. Thank you for your insight.