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I was feeling down about my birthday because I couldn't take the trip I wanted due to the pandemic, but was excited to celebrate with the people I love. My family and friends made me feel very loved with what they planned for me, but the only thing my boyfriend did was wish me a verbal happy birthday. I wouldn't feel so bad, if this didn't seem so out of character for him.
Our original plan was to take the day before my birthday off together and cook a big meal and watch a movie. Circumstances changed and he got pulled into work (totally legitimate reason so I don't fault him on this), so I ended up just sitting around and waiting for him most of the day. Afterwards he was too tired to cook so we just got take out, something we do regularly and didn't feel special in any way.
On my actual birthday, he had to work again so I decided to go out and enjoy the beautiful day on my own. I asked if he wanted to hang out after he was done work, he said that if he got some additional work done that day his boss would give him the rest of the week off to make up for pulling him in during his scheduled time off, so he declined to hang out. He decides he wants to go back home and spend time with his family with the extra time off, I'm on board with this because I've definitely been monopolizing his time and I know he misses his parents and siblings. But I'm bummed that we never got to spend a special day together.
Guess I'm just feeling bad at not even getting a card. He's normally very thoughtful so I don't know if it's because I didn't clearly communicate my expectations. It's a new relationship so I want to give him the benefit of the doubt. Any advice on how I can bring this up / resolve hurt feelings with him?
I had a great birthday except for this hiccup :)
You seem like a reasonable person and I’d tell him what you just shared with us and ask him what’s up in person and see his reaction. Honestly you guys have only been dating for 4 months and that should be honeymoon time where you guys treat each other really nice... so I’d be really disappointed if this happened to me. It’s true that he may be stressed and busy at work and he’s missing his family etc etc but this is your big 30!!! You deserve something special!!!
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I’m glad that you had a great birthday otherwise, OP!!
Honestly, I think most people in your shoes would be disappointed too. The fact that you’re still fairly new in the relationship means that he should still be going out of his way to impress you. This just seems so inconsiderate.
In a previous relationship I downplayed my birthday to my then boyfriend and said not to get me anything, let’s just go to dinner. When the day came that was it, just dinner - no card or flowers or anything to make me feel more special. I was bummed out but realized he had technically done what I requested. I didn’t say anything and my frustration came out later passive aggressively so I finally had to have a convo about it and expressed I appreciated dinner but something else like a card or flowers to make me feel like it’s not a typical date night would have been great. He understood and future holidays he has cards and flowers for me. Have the convo with him to set the standard for future birthdays!
At four months I don’t expect anything from them because I consider that to still be early on so I don’t consider it out of character from your story. It seems like you’re just wrestling with feelings of wanting to be special on your day and that didn’t happen. If he spends time with you on so many other days and does special things then why does the birthday day have more weight? I’m not one of those “birthday people” who really enjoys celebrating it. But seriously if he shows all of those important elements of attention and affection and love on the “normal days” which are more days of the year, why does it matter?
He’s telling you you are not a priority. I’m sorry to say it but actions are pretty clear. If they want you they will fly across the world for you. He thinks he can get away with doing nothing because you set a low bar. Raise it and he’ll either step up or leave- don’t be afraid of the outcome, be afraid of wasting your very precious, fleeting time.