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Some of these comments are giving pick me vibes. I’m a POC who def finds it’s difficult to connect with white coworkers as well, OP. If you’re trying to be open and talk and connect, then it’s not your personality it’s the ppl at the firm. Don’t give up. Just keep trying to find commonalities somehow and showing that you’re earnest. But also realize one of the crappy parts of this profession is the bias and discrimination. Mediocre white boys are still excelling. And maybe I’m more pessimistic bc I’m in southern state where the legal community is still very much “good ole boy”. I personally don’t want the kind of personality that can easily link w that anyway :/
Pro
So true! Sometimes you can bring your most authentic (or curated) self forward and the people still suck.
I understand! My personality is often quite reserved in “white-majority” spaces and it’s difficult to overcome as a young attorney. But, I found friendships with my colleagues my age and relate to them more easily. With them, I’m able to connect better with the older attorneys and partners because I feel safer/connected with the associates my age.
So, that’s all to say, don’t be afraid to be yourself. But sometimes, even when you’re yourself, the people around you need to be on the same vibe as you. And when they’re not, it can suck but it’s not your fault. Make the effort, keep going to the social stuff, keep trying to connect. It can be exhausting but it’s always better than the alternative.
Thank you so much! I needed the encouragement and will keep trying my best to make connections. 🙂
I would agree with Associate 1 generally - the issue tends to be when people can’t bring their authentic self to networking. I also grew up in a very, very white area of the US (4 people who looked like me in my graduating class of 1,400) - I can just act like I do around my close friends and be totally fine and comfortable. I would imagine someone who did not grow up in a predominantly white culture will have to put on airs in order to fit in, and people (incl. myself) can sense the discomfort intuitively.
I don’t really have a good solution to this problem, unfortunately. If you have kids, that is helpful and I would try to ham that up. The goal should be to find some common interest or passion - that’s a shortcut to bypassing the unconscious biases and vibes. It would also help if you like and can talk about golf and/or skiing.
Rising Star
If you don’t golf or ski, you can talk about travel, food and wine. Or sports.
I get it! This unfortunately was my reality often times. Being a black woman— at a lot of these networking events I feel left out and feel it is hard to make a connection with most non-poc unless, they are open and have inviting personalities. Often times it feels forced af. I’m a very down to earth person and never have this issue at minority events.
I have found that going to specific groups’ networking events, like the minority groups, or the women’s groups, etc help to establish a relationship with non-poc, and then whenever you’re at these bigger events you know people and feel a little more comfortable.
Rising Star
I’ve seen this happen a lot. I’m not saying people don’t have unconscious bias, but I think it’s mostly a personality thing.
I’m a POC, and I have no problem talking to any of my colleagues.
I grew up overseas in a nonwhite country so I definitely am very uncomfortable and timid in white spaces. Not sure why.
I'm assuming you've attended networking events in affinity groups and had success there?
It's my own personal observation that people in social settings are looking for common backgrounds to establish social trust. I also think lunches and happy hours are more successful if you already have a reason to be trusted, such as if you're part of the host committee or if a friend who is attending is known and can introduce you.
But if you go in cold and try to meet people you're going to feel adrift. Some people do just fine in these settings but it's more work.
I understand OP, the best advice I can give is to try it out a little bit at a time and try different conversation topics until you get to a point of feeling somewhat comfortable