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Nope. More in love than before. We are seeing sides of each other we never expected. Pandemic lock-down is the new ‘first kiss’....but I prioritize our relationship before my children’s happiness. Our formula is: Us first. Kids second. Major decisions must benefit the whole family. Wash, rinse, repeat.
I think every relationship is different. I’m fortunate enough that I still am in love with my husband, who I feel is a fantastic parent to our 2 year old. That said, we dated for a long time, broke up, and then worked really hard and with a counselor to learn how to communicate and “be friends.” We realized that we had stopped being friends, stopped talking to each other, stopped laughing together. We made a commitment to our our friendship first and to communicate honestly. We learned what triggered the other person (he hated when I said “I need to talk” and I usually did this late at night before bed when he was tired. So I’ve learned to ask him “are you busy right now?” And if he says yes, I wait and if no, then I tell him I’d like to talk about X. I also don’t start these conversations after 10pm. He’s learned that I get hangry so he checks in on whether I’m hungry or not). Being home now and parenting as we work, we do check ins every few nights to make sure the other isn’t feeling overwhelmed or resentful because they feel they are taking on more work than they can handle. I think as a result we’ve found a good balance for us, but it’s taken A LOT of work on both our parts.
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I go through this all the time. I think back to the moment I committed in my head to the long haul with regret. Having kids has exposed all our weaknesses as a couple. But last year I had the opportunity to have my parents watch my kids for an extended period in the summer and it was amazing to see how our relationship felt so much better instantly. Since many of our issues have to do with raising kids, I realize it isn’t going away if we separate. I’m doing my best to shoulder through. But it’s a LOT, and we fight more when work is most stressful. To handle the pressure I started running again. If you’re into self help, check out the research and books on relationships by Gottman. Some of his books offer things you can do at home to work on your relationship.
It’s not always super easy, especially with young children at home, but you just have to ask yourself if the good far outweighs the bad. And if it doesn’t, and they don’t want to get help working on it (or don’t want to work on it, period) you probably have your answer.
(CD / professor) I’ve been married a long time (27 years) and to a husband with bipolar mental illness. I had times of being desperately unhappy. But he was always willing to keep working on it. Stayed through the tough times because of our intense love for our son. Our beautiful boy passed away two years ago and my husband and I realized how small all our differences were. He is the only one who really understands the grief and we are closer than ever. I can’t imagine going through this quarantine with anyone else. I don’t know what it all means.... But he’s still my best friend - and no longer irritates me!
I second therapy. My husband and I went to couples counseling before we even got engaged to learn how to better communicate and fight fair. It's worth a shot before completely pulling the plug.
So sorry, OP.
I’m with you OP. We had problems before this and now it’s worse. Don’t know your source of woes. But this SIP is making my husband drink a LOT, and I just can’t deal.
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It’s hard not being able to escape the relationship problems. There’s no break from it right now. I feel that!
I went to therapy with my husband and realized that I didn’t want to be married to him anymore. I struggled so much with feeling selfish and like I was going to hurt my kids. But I realized that by staying, I was teaching them to accept a world where everything revolves around daddy.
We separated in January and I moved to the guest room. We were planning to sell our house at the end of last month. So yeah. Now we are in limbo. But every other day or so, he says or does something that reminds me I’m making the right choice.
If I think about just my relationship, I know divorce is the right answer. When I think about that inevitable moment when my 3 year old is crying and asking for daddy and we are apart, my hear breaks. I understand the long game but it’s hard to overcome the feeling of guilt at putting her through that.
One thing that helped me was a suggestion I saw somewhere: imagine your partner came to you and said they wanted to separate. Would you feel sad? Or would you feel relieved?
Once I realized my answer was 100% relief, I knew it was time to end it.