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Look like a million bucks. Feel like shit.
Anyone bullish AF on CCIV?
a Middle School Mathematics Teacher
Anyone on H1B here at Wells?
Kal Friday hai 🤧 I waited 4 days for u.
Unemployed during COVID-19
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If your partner makes significantly less than you he needs to be picking up the slack at home and with your child.
Hmmmm… not sure. Sometimes it’s not good for the relationship overall to ask one partner to quit their job.
Chief
It’s not possible to be an involved parent of a child under 5 and work full time. It’s just not.
The sooner our generation faces this fact, the sooner we can build inclusive workplaces where reduced schedules are the norm.
This is a conclusion that my husband and I just came to and we are completely reworking our lives because of it. Luckily we are both biglaw so we will be fine but it’s so so real.
Solidarity. My husband is in residency so he’s *never* available and 100% of his (very small) paycheck goes toward his med school loans.. We did daycare for our first and it’s been a nightmare for me to balance all packing, drop offs, pickups, sick days (which has been at least every 3-4 weeks), etc., and my full time biglaw job. Mental and physical health have never been worse and I’m 8 months pregnant. We are switching to a full time nanny this month because I can’t do the daycare duties and sicknesses with 2 kids. And I miss my son so much and hate that he spends 45 hours a week at a corporate center. The nanny will be a massive short term budget sacrifice but I’m hoping the extra help at home (and 1-3 wfh days) will lighten the burden on me and allow me to see the kids more, which would be totally worth it.
Our nanny helps so much, tidies, cooks, takes care of baby laundry. It’s such a load off
Yup same. In CA and can’t go on reduced hours for the same reason. Husband works for the government so he has a very stable and flexible schedule. He cooks all our dinners (I meal plan and grocery shop). I just switched to a fully remote position and that has helped a lot.
Solidarity. I’m in big law in NYC with a 6 month old. So hard. I have a part time nanny but its not enough
Hire a live in or full time houskeeper/nanny. Do not deny yourself the help you need to succeed at this career—- assuming that is what you want. Shut out all the outside noise. That is the only way to have it all. You don’t need to cook or clean— the only thing you need to do is have some quality with your baby, so carve that out and that’s it.
We were able to do it because my husband was willing to stay home full-time and we were able to live on my salary and his military retirement. If you have two full-time parents and don't have family nearby who are invested and ready to jump in and help at a moment notice.....I don't have an answer other than it's just hard. We do what we have to do, and we make plans/sacrifices to get us to where we don't have to do what we don't want to do.
My husband got laid off and it was the biggest blessing in disguise because he is now a (willing) stay at home dad with our son and his soon to arrive little brother. Can your husband take a step back from his job for a bit and step up as primary parent if you are primary breadwinner?
It’s a temporary time in your life where bringing him joy is not going to be a focal point - to answer your initial question of “how do we do it?” I spend a ton of time with my toddler and will with the new baby, because partner handles a lot of the other (extremely valuable and time consuming) life work while I handle making our money.
Repeating the pros of husband staying at home. I’m extremely pregnant with our first and we’ve decided my husband is going to stay at home since I’m on track for partner. It’s been so nice already and a huge game changer for our family
You are in the hardest stage of life. Period. It doesn't help that we live in a country with maternity leave policies from the 1800's.
I started to feel semi-human again when both kids were in middle school.
Your partner probably needs to be the one to go to reduced hours to take the mental load off of you. One thing that can help in the meantime is the Deck of Fair Play. It's a card deck that puts the mental load in 3D that helps partners understand how much of the invisible load of life is really on your plate. My husband was horrified when he saw in real life how much more I was carrying that he didn't realize.
Do you have a nanny or support system to help you? It’s impossible to do it all, especially in Biglaw. Can your partner change jobs to something higher paying that would let you go part time?
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Just daycare
It gets easier, I promise. I have been here and you will get into a better flow in the coming months.
Also im sorry, i know this wasn’t concrete advice at all — while you are going through this peak difficulty time in your motherhood, i would suggest you shift as much budget as you can to help. Just automate whatever the worst pain points are for you and let your husband figure it out. Maybe that’s a part time nanny for bedtimes or Saturdays, hiring a college student to pick things up for you, bringing in your house cleaner more often, ordering grocery delivery or premade meals. When we were in this phase we relied heavily on “mothers helpers” and pre-made healthy reliable meal delivery. What you’re going through is temporary and specific to pre-walking/talking toddlers and once you start hitting that stage things get a lot easier. Also, make sure you’re getting good sleep; if baby is still having trouble sleeping, you can consider talking to a local sleep consultant about tricks for getting better rest. I really hope this helps. Sending hugs.