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Maybe I'm just chicken too, but my best success has been when I've had my assistant do it. I am completely honest with her about where I am (PTA meeting, baseball game, my own yoga class) and she holds my boundaries with others. She doesn't feel the need to compromise in the same way I do, nor does she ever tell others where I am. She's very comfortable saying simply "not available."
The best way to do it is just as P1 above’s assistant does: simply say you’re not available and propose an alternative. If you provide too much justification or elaborate on your reasons for not being available it sounds like you’re looking for permission (or open to debate). Just say “no” and move to solutions, you’ll rarely be pressed as to why.
I think perhaps part of the secret is to stop thinking of it as audacious. It’s not, it’s real life. You’re a grown up and you get to choose how to prioritise your work and life. Decide what works for you, communicate it clearly and simply to those who need to know. Resist any urge to over-explain or justify, and don’t give it another thought.
Are you sitting in office with your direct reports on a daily basis, such that they see you leaving early every day and wonder why they can’t do the same? Or are you hybrid/remote and you’re more concerned about declining every 4 pm meeting? I just try to be flexible with my availability. For example, my kids ride the school bus home 2x a week to get to afterschool activities/classes/lessons. But on the other days they go to an aftercare program. If it’s an emergency or important deadline I’ll do evening calls or work after bedtime. If I want to chaperone a field trip or volunteer in the classroom, I just block my calendar. Point being, I don’t set a strict “I don’t work from 4-8 pm”. I just say no when I need to (and suggest an alternative), and yes when I can, and it seems to work out OK.
You may not be able to get everything you want but be willing to meet your manager halfway. Like you might agree to work from home on certain days or to make up for any lost time by working longer hours on other days.